Summary: Two years after the battle at the end of "Not Fade Away", Buffy's still in Rome. An unexpected visitor shows up bringing even more unexpected news.
Author's Notes: Inspired by and writtern for calturner.
Rating: NC-17
Buffy woke with Spike's nose pressed against her neck. Her arm throbbed faintly and she had a crick in her neck, but she didn't want to move and wake him. Until that moment, she could pretend that things were good and right. That they could always wake up like this together. That she was whole.
She felt Spike pressed so closely against her and her eyes filled. How could she let him go, especially now that she realized how empty her life was without him? How could she let him stay, knowing how torn up he was about Anne? Leaving things the way they were would only lead to badness, resentment and blame. And Buffy knew she and Spike had had enough of all three of those things to fill many lifetimes. The last thing she ever wanted to see on Spike's face when he looked at her was regret. If he were to give her--give them--another chance, she never wanted him to doubt his decision.
It was Spike's turn to figure out what he wanted. And Buffy needed to let him go so he could.
She sniffed, not wanting Spike to wake up to a snot-faced Buffy. This not selfish thing? she thought. Hurts like hell.
Spike shifted and kissed her neck. Buffy pulled him even closer, knowing how soon she'd have to let him go. His kisses became sucks, marking her, as he made his way to her mouth. She ached inside as she turned and ducked her head to meet his lips with hers. Their tongues touched as the kisses grew deeper, more desperate. She needed this, for her. She needed him. Buffy clawed at the back of Spike's t-shirt, ignoring the pain in her arm as she worked to get to his skin. He drew a sharp breath when she brushed against his ribs, but grabbed her and pulled her flush against him when she tried to move away.
They stopped kissing long enough to pull each others' shirts and jeans off. Spike rose above her and Buffy's breath caught as he took her breast into his mouth. He sucked hard while lightly pinching her other nipple. Buffy squirmed, feeling the wetness between her legs grow. She wanted him deep inside of her, pounding into her. A part of her.
She pulled her legs up and attempted to wrap them around Spike's waist, but his hand on her stomach stopped her. She was about to protest when he released her breast and took the other into his mouth. Buffy's skin jumped as he moved his hand to rake his fingers through her damp curls. His soft touch was driving her crazy. She brought her hips up, trying to force his fingers to brush against her clitoris, but Spike pulled his head up and made a " tsk " sound at her. Keeping one hand on a breast, he licked and bit his way down her body, past her navel and into her curls. Her body shook as his tongue teased her, licking all around her folds, but never touching where he knew she needed him. He pushed a finger inside of her and Buffy arched her back up off the couch. He touched and tasted her, gently and then faster as she moved against his face and hand. As she hovered on the edge of orgasm, he pulled his finger out to cover her with his mouth. His tongue moved the right way and she was shaking and flying and coming.
Before her orgasm ended, Spike was driving himself into her, triggering another wave of tingles throughout Buffy's body. She grabbed his head and kissed him, tasting herself on his tongue. He thrust into her so deeply it almost hurt, but Buffy welcomed the pain. She welcomed anything that made this real. She wrapped her legs around him and lifted her hips higher, forcing him in even deeper.
"Gonna come, love," Spike growled against her lips.
"Just a little longer, Spike. I need this to last a little longer," Buffy said, pushing her forehead against his. He lifted his head and looked into her eyes. A sad smile crossed his face before he nodded and slowed his hips.
He was gliding in and out of her now as she blinked up at him. The swelling had gone down and he could open both eyes. The intense blueness of them made Buffy want to cry. She ran her fingernails lightly up and down his chest, avoiding the bruises still there.
"You feel so good," she whispered to him.
"So do you." He kissed her and smiled against her mouth. "I love you, Buffy," he said.
Buffy's heart squeezed. She swallowed past the lump in her throat to say, "I love you too, Spike." She hooked a hand around his neck and pulled his mouth back down to hers. "I need it now. Come in me," she whispered against his lips.
He groaned and snapped his hips into her again and again as her vaginal muscles grasped at him. Several strokes later, he cried out and spilled into her. Buffy kept her legs wrapped around him, not ready to let him go.
After a minute, she touched his cheek. "Why?" she asked. "Why did they beat you up?"
Spike tried to pull out of her, but she held him to her tightly, watching his face.
"My reputation apparently precedes me, love," he said, settling back into the cradle of her hips. "Me being a white hat and all, fighting for the forces of good and whatnot." He rubbed his nose along her hairline. "Some bloke named Antonio tipped ' em off I was in the city. Wonder if he works for the bloody Senior Partners."
"You're kidding."
"What?" Spike asked, rising up a bit to look at her.
"Some vamp named Antonio told me you were dumped at the Spanish Steps. I stupidly let him live."
"Huh," Spike said. "I managed to get away from the lot of them before they could take me anywhere, but maybe that was the plan. Flambe Spike. Sounds like Antonio had a change of heart."
"Or maybe he just didn't want me to kill him."
"Don't risk yourself for me, Buffy," Spike said. "Couldn't bear it if you got hurt."
Buffy flexed her legs, encouraging him to move within her again. "Risk is still what I do, Spike. You know that. And by now you hopefully know that there's pretty much nothing I wouldn't do for you."
He touched her face and dragged his fingers down to her nipple to squeeze it lightly. "Things you say, Buffy..."
Maybe... she thought. Maybe things could be okay. Maybe he can stay .
And then the phone rang and Spike's whole body tensed. He was frozen, staring at it until the answering machine picked up and the caller disconnected without leaving a message. Right then, Buffy knew she was kidding herself. If he didn't work things through with Anne, she'd have this to look forward to for the rest of their lives together--every time the phone rang or someone knocked on the door or a strange piece of mail arrived or someone who resembled Anne... It would stir this all up again. And maybe it was kind of selfish, but Buffy didn't want to spend her life worrying about the possibility of Anne being right around that next corner.
"You thought it was her, didn't you?" Buffy finally asked after Spike relaxed again.
He rolled off her, bringing her with him. "Yeah, it crossed my mind."
"You have to go. You know that, don't you?" Buffy asked.
"Go where?" he said, confused.
"Back to Anne."
This time Spike did pull out of her to sit up. "What the bloody hell kind of game are you playing, Slayer?" he spat at her. "You fuck me, you tell me you love me and then you throw me out?"
Buffy sat up too and tried to touch him, but he batted her hands away. "Spike!" she said, trying to get him to listen. "I'm not throwing you out! I just know you. I know you can't leave things this way with Anne."
"Buffy, I--"
"Just hear me out. Please," she asked. He let her take his hands. "You need to go, Spike. To work things out with Anne. Get it to where you both can be okay with your choices and decisions. You? I want so much. I can't even tell you how much. And even though it will hurt worse than hell to be without you, I know I can't have you--all of you--with me until you make things right with her."
She shifted to sit across from him. "You obviously care for Anne. She's a good person and she's been wonderful to you. How could you not care? But you also haven't been honest with her--or with yourself. And boy do I identify with that." She squeezed his hands. "Until you are, you won't be able to really see where it is you want to be. What sucks majorly is that someone's gonna get hurt here, and none of us deserve it. But you and me, we know hurt. We know how to deal with it. I'm not telling you to go because I want you to. I'm telling you because you need to. Find out what will be best for you. And if that happens to be me, I'll be here."
"And then what happens?" he asked.
"What do you mean?"
"I come back, you're waiting and then what? We start our happily ever after?"
"Well, that would probably be the plan," she said, trying to make him smile.
Instead, he shook his head. "You and me, we can't do happily ever after, love. Not wired that way."
"I know things won't be easy and carefree and all "Seventh Heaven"-y. But it can be our version of good."
"And what exactly is that? Our version of good? We've never even had a bloody relationship , Buffy."
Her shoulders slumped a little. "Yeah, there's that. I guess that's part of what you need to decide. It's a scary thing, a future with the two of us. It's all unpredictable and stuff. And there'll be fighting. And hurt. But we could also be so good together, Spike. I know that now."
"Buffy, I love you," he said. "But I also know a relationship will work with Anne."
"Ball's in your court, Spike. Find out if you want that sure thing with Anne, or if you're willing to try for more with me. Like I said, I'll be here. But not forever." She laughed a little. "Know what's funny? I know part of the reason you're unsure is because you don't trust me."
"But I--"
"No," she said. She brushed her thumb across his lips. "You don't. But I hope you will."
"Feel like I've played this scene before, ' cept in reverse," he said.
"Strange how things work, isn't it?" She kissed his cheek and stood up, wrapping the afghan around her. "We better call the airline and change your flight."
He grabbed her hand. "Buffy, I'm not ready. I can't go," he said.
She looked down at him and steeled herself. "And I can't let you stay."
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Buffy showered while Spike called the airline and packed his bag. She cried against the shower wall, great heaving sobs. She knew Spike could hear her. He heard everything. But when she was done, she felt better. Calmer. Drained.
She toweled off and dressed, barely fussing with her hair and makeup before going out to face him again. He was sitting on the couch, his jacket on, his bag at his feet and his hands clasped between his knees. He looked up when she entered the room and the pain in his eyes took her breath away.
"Changed the flight," Spike said. "Leaves in three hours." He stood up. "Called a cab, Buffy. It'll be better this way, me going to the airport alone."
Buffy started to argue, but stopped herself. "Okay."
He came to stand in front of her and touched her cheek. "Crying," he said.
"This isn't easy for me, Spike. None of this is."
"Oh, and it's a bloody walk in the park for me then?" She watched him as he clenched his jaw and calmed himself. "No, Buffy," he finally said. "This isn't easy. But you are right. I've got to make things right with Anne. Got to be sure. Can't anyone be happy if we're not all honest with ourselves. "
He opened his arms and Buffy stepped inside the circle of them. She wrapped her own arms around his middle and buried her nose in his coat. She took a deep breath, filling her senses with his scent. "Stupid vampire," she mumbled into the leather.
He held her tightly. "Daft Slayer," he said into her hair.
They stood that way for what seemed like forever, neither wanting to move. Finally Spike stepped back. "Better go," he said.
Buffy sniffed and nodded, willing herself not to cry again.
"I'll be in touch, yeah?" he asked.
"Counting on it," she answered.
And then he was gone, closing the door very softly behind him. Buffy sank to the floor, hoping she hadn't just made the biggest mistake of her life.
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