Summary: Spoilers for "The Gift" and S6. Spike manages to save Dawn, but pays a terribly high price. Will he be able to find meaning in his suffering?
Author's Notes: The title and some of the philosophy behind this story comes from Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning, a must-read if you haven't already. In any case, it's basically about the importance of finding meaning in our suffering, since that's the only way we can avoid giving into despair. On a side-note, not everything in this story may be physically possible. But I didn't have Spike to experiment on, so you'll just have to take it as a plot device and leave it at that. As always, thanks and love to my beta, Heather.
Rating: PG-13
1 :: 2 :: 3 :: 4 :: 5 :: 6 :: 7 :: 8 :: 9 :: 10 :: 11 :: 12 :: 13 :: 14 :: 15 :: 16 :: 17 :: 18 :: 19 :: 20 :: 21 :: 22 ::
It had been a hell of a day. Actually, it had been a hell of a couple of days. First, there had been those three missed classes, not to mention a quiz, as a result of the little glowing thingy on her sweater. Which was just wrong, because it exploded away in her hand. Then, she'd been at her work-study job at the library, minding her own business and putting books back on the shelves when several very large nasty demons attacked. Luckily enough for her, she managed to convince her supervisor that the overturned bookshelves were the result of some rough-housing boys and that she barely missed getting creamed by a falling shelf. (The large bruise on her arm helped.) From her job, she'd gone out to patrol and then had ignored Spike as he tried to talk to her because she was just too tired to do anything other than go to bed.
The next day she had one class in the morning and then had headed over to the Magic Box to help Giles and Anya. They had suggested she work there during her off hours to make some extra cash since things were so tight. While Buffy had known that retail was most likely not her thing, she hadn't expected to get caught in some sort of time loop with a deadly mummy hand. By the time she'd figured out how to get herself out of it, she was tired, hungry and irritable, and her day was just starting. She walked out before she killed anyone.
It was after dark when Spike came down the stairs to find Buffy on the couch, exhausted and out of sorts. "Some days I hate my life," she muttered.
He listened sympathetically as she told him about the events of the last couple days. "Sounds like someone's out to get you, Slayer," he said finally.
"That's what I thought too, Spike, but it's just too weird. Everything that's been happening, the only person that would know it is me. It all just kind of disappears as soon as I turn around." She leaned her head back on the couch. "Do you think I'm going crazy?"
He chuckled, reaching out to push her hair back from her face, surprised when she didn't immediately pull away. "Hardly. Come with me," Spike demanded abruptly.
"Where are we going?" she asked, a suspicious note in her voice.
Spike smirked. "I want to show you something."
Buffy had no idea why she was following the bleached vampire, except that she wanted to do something, and she was too depressed to hang around her friends. They always seemed to get so concerned whenever she was depressed-Buffy, but with Spike, she didn't have to worry about being anything other than what she was. It didn't take but a minute before she realized that they were headed for his crypt. "Spike, I've seen your crypt before. A lot."
He shot her a dirty look. "Yeah, but I haven't seen it since before—" he broke off what he was going to say, and then continued. "There're some things there I'd forgotten about. I want to see if somebody took them."
"Nobody took your stuff," Buffy replied softly. He cocked his head at her, his expression an eloquent question. "I've been keeping an eye on your place. I wanted to make sure you had somewhere to go when you got better."
"Thanks, Buffy," he said softly, giving her a genuine smile. "You didn't have to."
She made no reply, but walked beside him as he swung himself along on his crutches. When they reached their destination, Buffy opened the door for him and then followed him inside. "I thought I'd gotten everything you wanted."
"You did. I just forgot something." Spike rummaged around beside the refrigerator, grinning as he came up with a bottle of Jack and a bottle of tequila. "Just what the doctor ordered, luv."
"I don't think that's such a good idea," Buffy said, hesitating. As he shrugged and started to put the bottles back in place, she grabbed the tequila out of his hand. "But I'm not sure it's such a bad one either."
Half an hour later, Buffy was more than halfway to being drunk as Spike was barely working up a buzz. It took a lot to knock him out, and he knew he couldn't be too tipsy for the walk home. You needed a good sense of balance to get around on crutches. He was relieved that the Slayer seemed a lot more relaxed as she tipped back the tequila bottle once again, and he figured she was much more likely to accept his gift if some of her inhibitions were gone. "Got something for you, Slayer," he said, when he thought the timing was right.
"What's that?" She brightened noticably. "Am I gonna like it?"
"Hope so," he replied, and then pulled out the envelope he'd stuck the cash in.
She frowned as she took it from him, and he thought she looked adorable the way her nose and forehead wrinkled as she did so. The amount of money seemed to sober her up a bit as she looked back up at him. "I can't take this, Spike."
"Sure you can," he replied. "I didn't get it illegally, you can ask Xander."
"Is this what you were doing the other night?"
Spike hesitated and then nodded. "There's a high stakes poker game in town. I took what I had and made more. Knew you'd need it more than I would. Not like I robbed anybody."
Buffy was unsure. Taking money from Spike seemed wrong somehow, no matter how he got it. And yet, she needed the money badly, and taking it from him was better than having to ask Giles or her friends for a loan. "I don't think—"
"Think of it as rent, or payback for all the times you paid me for information, Slayer," he coaxed, hoping that she wouldn't turn him down. He wanted to take care of her, to do something to help her out, if only so he wouldn't feel so bloody useless.
As if sensing this, she looked at him, and her eyes softened. "Thank you, Spike. I know I shouldn't take your money, but really, I need it way too badly to refuse."
"I can get more, Buffy. Maybe not completely honestly, like workin' a job, but I can help." His blue eyes bore into hers, and the Slayer suddenly realized that he needed to help her much more than she needed his help. It was that realization that allowed her to nod.
"Alright, Spike. If you want to give me a hand, I'm not going to refuse. But I'm not going to take anything that's stolen." Her voice was firm, and Spike felt a sigh of relief go through him. He would help her and she would accept his help.
"Don't think I could do much of that right now anyway, Slayer," he replied with a smile.
Buffy looked at him suddenly, her green eyes thoughtful. "Are you okay, Spike?"
He looked away, his face slightly grim. "I'll be fine, Buffy."
She opened her mouth to say something, then reconsidered. "Thanks. For the money and—you know."
His smile was wistful. "You know I'd do anything for you, Buffy."
She reached out and put her hand over his. "I know."
~~~~~
"Buffy?" Giles called as he entered the training room. "I need to talk to you."
She looked over at him from her stance at the punching bag. "Sure, Giles. What's up?"
Her Watcher went over to take a seat on the couch. "I have something for you." When she'd sat down next to him, he handed her a check.
She frowned when she looked at the amount. It was enough to cover the repairs on the basement and then some, but Spike had given her as much the previous night. "Thank you, Giles, but I can't accept this." She handed the check back to him.
He looked at her, surprised. "Buffy, I understand if you're reluctant, but I'd like to help you."
She smiled. "Thanks, and I really appreciate it, but I have the money, Giles."
His face and voice betrayed his surprise. "Buffy, how?"
"Spike." Though her eyes betrayed her uncertainty, her voice was steady and sure.
"Buffy, you don't know where he got that!"
"Actually, yes, I do," was her reply, as she rose to pace. "He and Xander apparently hit an all night poker game. I double-checked."
"That's hardly a legal means to get money, Buffy," Giles replied disapprovingly.
"It's not that bad, Giles, and he needed to do something. He feels helpless right now." Her eyes softened. "I just wanted to help him, like he wanted to help me."
"This is Spike we're talking about," he replied, his voice harsh. "You know what he wants."
"Does it matter?" she asked. "He's crippled because he saved Dawn." She looked over at him, her eyes hard. "Would you have done the same?"
They both knew the uncomfortable answer to that question. They both knew who Buffy had asked to protect Dawn, and what the result of that promise had been. It was, perhaps, an unfair question. A Watcher was required at all times to make difficult decisions, but his Slayer was unwilling to let him off the hook for this one. She still remembered that he had told her she might have to kill her little sister, her flesh and blood, and while she didn't hate him for it, she hadn't cared much for him at that moment either. In her mind would forever be the comparison between his words and Spike's that night. Unfair? Maybe, but it was her sister they were talking about.
Giles was disturbed. He understood that Buffy's opinion of Spike had begun to change after he'd been tortured by Glory. Whatever his motivations had been, he had shown himself willing to protect Dawn, with his life if necessary. The Watcher had no doubt that his motives were selfish, but Buffy seemed determined to overlook the vampire's motivations, concentrating instead on the results. He had no doubt that Spike would eventually take advantage of her good will. His fear was that she was growing to depend on him too greatly, that in the end she would be deeply hurt as she had been with Angel. Spike was not what he would wish for her, and he feared for her heart.
As though reading his mind, Buffy said quietly, "I owe Spike, Giles. If he wants to help because it makes him feel better, I'm going to let him help. And I'll get him back on his feet again." There was steely determination in her voice, and Giles knew that he wouldn't bring up the topic again. But he was beginning to wonder how necessary he was in Sunnydale, and if it wouldn't be better to head back to England. Especially if he wasn't going to be able to stand back and let his Slayer make her own choices.
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