Et Lux In Tenebris Lucet (And the Light Shineth in the Darkness) by Enigmaticblue

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Chapter 19: The Death of Innocence

"What is this, Buffy?" Spike asked quietly as her finger made gentle circles on his bare chest. He lay, mostly content, in the Slayer's bed. He hadn't gone back to the basement since the incident with what Buffy called the gargling demon, and he was just a little confused. Buffy had seemed to make some sort of decision regarding her feelings for him, but she hadn't let him in on the secret. Not that he was complaining, he was just curious.

"What's what?" she asked, her head resting on his shoulder. She loved the look of his skin in the moonlight. When he slept, so still and quiet, the hard planes of his body looked as though they had been etched in marble. And her hands couldn't help but touch him, her almost-lover.

"This," he replied. "You know what."

And she did. She just wasn't sure what the answer was herself. "Does it have to be anything? Can't it just be now?"

He sighed, knowing that he would accept anything from her, and everything. That if she were to turn from him tomorrow, he would take that too. Maybe not lying down, but he would take it. His greatest goal was her happiness, even if it meant nothing but pain for himself.

She heard his sigh, and thought she knew the reason for it. She felt bad because her answers were so inadequate. "Spike," she began, and she could feel him tense at her tone. "I don't know that I'll ever feel for you the way you feel about me."

"Buffy, it's-"

"Hush," she commanded gently. "It's just that I've been thinking a lot about what you said to me at the Bronze that night, about everybody being wrapped up in their own problems. And you were right. Pretty much everything and everyone I thought was stable went and imploded on me." This time he stayed silent as she paused, sensing that she wasn't yet done. "But what you said that night, you of all people had the most right to complain, and you didn't. You haven't, and I started to realize that everything I do have, Dawn and being alive, you gave me."

"Buffy, I just want you to be happy," he said.

"I know, and you don't demand that I do anything, you're just there, doing whatever you can," she said, looking at him almost tenderly. So gently that his non-existant breath caught. "And then I got to thinking that I might not have much time here, and you might not either. We both know that something can go wrong in a second, and I've had a lot of close calls already, so I've made up my mind to live."

"Is that what this is, then?" he asked gently.

"That's what this is," she agreed. "I don't know what this means, Spike, but I know I care about you, and the way I feel about you is a little more than just friends. And maybe someday it might be love. And maybe it won't be. But I want to be with you." She looked at him with real regret. "I'm sorry it can't be more right now."

"No," he replied, stroking her hair back from his face. "What you feel for me is more than I hoped for. I can wait for the rest."

"And if the rest never comes?" she asked, not wanting to get his hopes up.

"Then it doesn't. 'm willin' to take that chance." And he was. Maybe the odds were against him, maybe it was completely foolish to hope for her love, even in the distant future, but the pay-off if it did come-He could wait, and he would risk his unbeating heart and his cold body for it all. That was what love was all about-risking it all.

~~~~~

Spike was puttering around the kitchen when Buffy came storming inside. "Look at this!" she demanded, shoving a black bundle into his hand. He blinked slowly, still a little dazed from sleep. He was gradually becoming accustomed to daylight hours, but it still took him a while to wake up.

"An' what exactly am I lookin' at, luv?" he asked with a touch of amusement.

She stared at him. "It's a camera."

"Okay..."

"It was in a lawn gnome in my front yard," she explained heatedly.

He blinked again, and then understanding began to dawn. "Someone's been spyin' on us?" he asked, incredulous. "Who would have the stones to spy on the Slayer?"

She looked grim. "Who's been making my life difficult the last few months?" she spat. "I swear, when I get my hands on those geeks, they're gonna wish they'd never been born." She sighed and shook her head. "Willow's coming over in a few minutes to work her magic." Buffy gave him a quick look and smiled a little. "Not literally."

"Course not," he said, turning the camera over in his hand. "You don't think there are more of these little buggers stashed around here, do you?"

She shook her head. "No clue, hopefully that's one of the things Willow will be able to help us find out. Were you planning on going out tonight?" The question was asked non-chalantly, in such a way as to let Spike know it was no more than friendly curiosity, with a touch of concern about his general well-being.

"Not as such, no," he replied, putting the camera back down on the counter and leaning into his crutches. "Did need to go to the Magic Box for some burba weed. Told Tara I'd pick up anything she needed while I was at it. Did you need somethin', pet?"

Buffy smiled at him, touched his arm. "No, just thought it'd be nice to have you around tonight if you were gonna be here. We may need you."

"What, a useless cripple?" he said, trying to joke, but she reproved him.

"You're not useless, Spike."

"I know, luv. 'm not good for much in a fight though," he said seriously. "And besides, these blokes are human. Wouldn't be able to do much about 'em anyway."

"Maybe not, but you can guard the gold," she said with a smile.

He grinned back at her. "There's gold? No one ever said anything about any bloody gold."

"It's the most well-kept Scoobie secret," she replied in a mock whisper. "Now that you know, you're one of us."

His eyes darkened with emotion. "I'm one of you?"

"I told you you were," she said, their play turning serious. "You belong to me, remember?" And suddenly she was really close to him, their lips almost touching. So close she could feel his breath against her skin, and she suddenly wondered why he was always breathing. It would be so easy to kiss him, just another inch...

"Buffy!" Xander's voice came from the hall, and Buffy froze. Spike's eyes watched hers, wondering when she would come to her senses and jump away from him. But there was no jumping, only a quick peck on the lips and a secretive smile before she was off in a swirl of blond hair, leaving only her faint scent behind. A slow grin split Spike's face as he realized what had just happened. She loved him; she just hadn't admitted it yet.

~~~~~

Spike pushed open the door to the Magic Box and instantly wished he'd stayed home. Anya stood at the counter chatting with Halfrek, who happened to be on Spike's list of "people he did

not want to see."

"Just a minute," Anya called to him, and then retreated off to the side where they held a hastily whispered conference. Spike would bet his poker winnings that Anya was Anyanka again. He could hear some of the words quite clearly, like "wish", "Xander", and "curse." And if he slipped up and got Xander cursed, Buffy would most assuredly kill him.

"What can I help you with?" Anya asked, coming over to where he stood. Spike was certain Anya had never smiled at him like that before, and he was even more certain that she wanted something from him.

"Uh, I need some burba weed and a few things for Glinda. Got a list right here." Spike put the list on the counter and slid it over to her.

She smiled at him again, and Spike felt his nervousness grow. The way he felt about Harris these days, it would be easy to have a slip of the tongue. "I can get these for you in just a second."

Spike hesitated, wanting to say something to her, and yet not wanting to bring up the subject at all for fear of the consequences. "I'm sorry about the wedding, you know," he said softly, hoping that she would be content with his sympathy.

She stared at him for a long moment, surprised that he would offer it. No one had been this sympathetic; the rest of them had been bent on telling her how much Xander was hurting and how bad he felt. And Spike-Spike!-was so sincere. Anya reached below the counter and pulled out a bottle. "Do you want a drink?" she asked, because she knew she did, and she knew Spike hadn't drank much since he'd been hurt.

And Spike knew the look on her face well. It never hurt to have a friendly ear while you were drowning your sorrows, and none of the other Scoobies would do it. "Sure, luv," he said gently. "Let's have a drink then."

On a different day, Spike would have joined in her listing of miseries, but today he was fairly certain Buffy was falling for him. (At least a little bit.) So he mainly just listened to her, taking one shot to her two or three. He knew he needed to keep his wits about him, otherwise he might just curse the Whelp because he'd hurt her so badly and he deserved it. And because if he was going to be walking home, he needed the complete use of his faculties.

"It's just not fair," she said finally. "I never asked to be human." Spike nodded sympathetically. "All I wanted to do was use him and lose him. I hadn't had a good tumble in a thousand years."

"And it turned out to be more," he prompted.

"Yes," she sighed. "He was bumpy in all the right places, and nice to me. And the next thing you know, I'm changing to please him, and I care if he cares."

"Don't I know it," the vampire replied, thinking of all the changes he'd made for Buffy.

"But even after everything I did, it was never enough for him." She leaned into the table, a melancholy look on her face. "He thought I was rude."

"You're not rude, luv," he replied, smiling at her. "Straightforward, and maybe a little blunt, but that's a virtue. Y'don't hide behind rules and regulations like the rest of them. Nothin' wrong with that. Wanker didn't understand; he's too uptight."

"You really think so?" she asked.

"I know so." Spike poured the last of the alcohol out of the bottle. "Here, ladies last," he said, pushing the glass towards her. He'd had a bit more to drink than he'd originally planned on, but not enough to get himself drunk. Anya, on the other hand, was well on her way.

"Thank you."

He frowned, laughed a little. "'sokay. But you'd better take it quick before my chivalry runs out."

"No, thank you." Anya leaned forward, her face intense. "It's so nice to actually be with someone who listens, who doesn't keep telling me how bad Xander feels." Spike kept his silence. "This whole time, I've been coming on all hell-bent and mad. Wanting his head you know?"

Spike nodded. "Yeah."

"When really, I can't sleep at night, thinking it's my fault somehow-" Spike shook his head, shushing her, putting a hand up to brush the hair out of her face. It broke his heart to see her like this, and he didn't stop to question it. Maybe evil vampires weren't supposed to feel sympathy, but he'd already made his choice, sometime in the past. He couldn't even convince himself that he was evil anymore.

"I mean, what if he was pretending? What if he never wanted me the way I wanted him?" The tears started falling faster, and Spike gently wiped them away with his thumb, with no other motive than to offer her a little comfort.

"Anya, he'd have to be more than the git he is. He'd have to be deaf, blind, and dumb not to want a woman like you." Spike willed her to see the truth in his eyes, to somehow cushion the blow she'd been dealt, to make the hurt ease just a little.

"Then why?" she cried.

"He's just weak is all," Spike said softly. He suddenly realized how close they were, and started to pull away.

Anya leaned forward. "Spike-"

"I'm sorry, luv, I can't," he said, truly regretful. Even if he thought this would help her, he couldn't do it. Because of Buffy, and because of other things.

She frowned, pulled back. "Oh. You're right, I-"

"It's not you, luv, not at all," he assured her. "But you know how I feel about Buffy." Spike hesitated. He couldn't believe he was going to say this, but-"And I can't."

Anya frowned slightly, not understanding, and then her eyes widened. "Oh. Oh! Spike, I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he murmured. "Look, you need someone to talk to, or anything, I'm your vamp."

Tears began to trickle down her cheeks again. "Why are you being so nice?"

"Guess I got tired of playing the villain, is all," he said and then pulled her to him as she cried into his shoulder. "Shh. Let it all out, pet. Just let it all out."

~~~~~

Buffy watched idly as Willow tapped her computer keys. "Almost got it," the red head mumbled.

"There. I'm seeing some other feeds too. Give me a minute and I should be able to see where those go to." She smiled up at Tara, who stood just behind her shoulder. They had had a good day, meeting for coffee and talking, in spite of Anya's interruption. She was actually hopeful that they might manage to work everything out.

"And there's-" Willow broke off as she recognized Spike and Anya.

Tara frowned as she leaned toward the screen. "What are they doing?" she asked. It looked like a really tender moment between the two of them, easily mistaken for something romantic.

Buffy and Xander came to stand behind them, just in time to see Spike pulling back from Anya. They watched as he said something to her, something that made her eyes widen in surprise, and then as he pulled her into an embrace to cry on his shoulder.

The Slayer couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. She knew Spike's heart was hers, but still, to see him comforting another woman so sweetly was definitely with the jealous-making, even though she knew it was foolish. Of course, jealous didn't even begin to cover the look on Xander's face.

"What-" he said, breaking off. "What is she doing with him?"

"It looks like he's giving her a hug," Tara offered hesitantly. "Spike can be a pretty comforting guy when he wants to be."

"Right," he grated. "Fine. So she goes to a vampire for cold comfort." He turned away from the screen almost violently. "I can't watch this."

Buffy glanced at him, frowning. Spike was giving Anya a hug, which was more than any of the rest of them had done, she realized with a feeling of guilt. As the wronged party, she hadn't received much sympathy from the rest of them, so it was probably a good thing that Spike was there for her. "Buffy?" Dawn stood next to her, touching her on the arm. "Are you okay?"

Buffy smiled at her younger sister. "Yeah, I'm okay, Dawnie. I'm just being a little stupid tonight."

"He really loves you, you know," Dawn replied, her face serious. "That's the thing about Spike, once he loves you, he always does."

"I know." She glanced at the screen. Spike was still obviously comforting Anya. "He's a good friend."

"Buffy," Willow called anxiously, having gotten up to go after Xander. "Xander's gone. And he took your ax."

~~~~~

Anya finally pulled back, wiping at her eyes. "I got you all soggy."

"'salright, luv," Spike said, reaching out to push the hair back from her face. "You're gonna be all right, you know."

She managed a watery smile. "Someday, maybe."

"No maybes," he replied, his eyes gentle. He might have said more, but he found himself sprawled across the floor, Xander standing over him. The attack had come out of nowhere, and was completely unexpected. "What the bloody hell?" he demanded angrily, looking at Harris from his prone position.

"Get your hands off of her, freak." Xander's voice was low and angry, and he held a very large ax in his hand.

"Xander!" Anya protested. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm doing what someone should have done a long time ago. Put the undead thing out of his misery." The man shifted the weapon in his hand, obviously prepared to do just that when Buffy burst through the front door of the shop.

"Xander!" she said, coming over to stand protectively in front of Spike. "I don't know what you're doing, but I told you. You don't get to dust Spike."

Thwarted, he stared at the two women angrily. "You don't get it, do you?" He turned to Anya. "He was just making nice to get to you. He's obsessed with Buffy and he can't have her, so he's going after you."

"He wasn't going after me, Xander," Anya said quite calmly, all her tears having been cried out earlier. And she had the added benefit of knowing she wasn't the one in the wrong. "In fact, he turned me down."

"How can you let him touch you?" Xander demanded, not really hearing her. "He's a thing, an evil, undead thing. What kind of comfort could you get from that?"

"Maybe the same kind of comfort he's given me, Xander," Buffy said quietly, causing him to turn and look at her. "Anya wasn't doing anything wrong, and neither was Spike. I think you need to cool down."

But Xander hadn't paid any attention to what she said, except for the first part. "You have slept with him, haven't you? You let him-" The ax clattered to the floor. "I think I'm going to be sick."

Spike was watching the entire scene from his position on the floor, not wanting to open his mouth. He waited for Buffy to tell him, to explain to her friend that she hadn't slept with him in the sense that he meant. That they couldn't have had sex because he was incapable. What she did say shocked the hell out of him.

"We've been sharing a bed off and on since Thanksgiving, Xander," Buffy said quietly. "What's more, Spike isn't evil and he isn't a thing." Turning to Anya, she said with great sincerety, "I'm sorry, Anya. I really am."

The vengeance demon looked at her and almost smiled. "Thank you, Buffy, I appreciate that." And then she looked at Xander. "I don't want to see you for a while, Xander. I don't want to see you for a very long while. Even if what I did was any of your business, which it's not, Spike was very kind to me. More than anyone else has been. Maybe you should take lessons."

Xander stared at the three of them for a long moment before turning on his heel and leaving without another word. Buffy and Anya grabbed Spike's crutches and helped him up in silence. There really wasn't anything left to say.

"See you around, Anyanka," Spike called as he and Buffy left the shop together. "How did you know I was there?" he asked once they were safely out of ear shot.

Buffy looked over and gave him a wry smile. "Willow managed to trace some of those cameras and find others. There was one in the Magic Box."

Spike almost looked embarrassed. "Look, Buffy I don't know what you thought you saw, but-"

"I thought I saw someone comforting a friend," she interrupted.

"Oh, well, then that's what you saw." He shook his head. "I just wasn't sure, with Harris on the warpath. We didn't do anythin', but..."

"I know you didn't, Spike," she replied. "And I know you wouldn't. You're not that kind of guy."

"Not hardly, pet."

They walked along without saying anything for a while until Buffy broke the silence. "What is it, Spike? Everything seems to fall apart. Xander, Anya, it's just spinning out of control, and I feel like I can't do anything to stop it."

He stopped and put a hand on her arm. They were on the walkway to her house now, and he looked at the windows, some dark, some still lit. "It'll work out, Buffy. People change, and sometimes they hurt each other. And sometimes it does seem like everythin's goin' to hell all at once, but there are things that keep it together, like love and friendship. Those are bonds that can't be broken, luv, even if they get stretched sometimes."

His hand moved to her face, and his tone grew both quieter and more intense. "Give it some time, and they'll come 'round, Xander and Anya. The rest of them. Because they love you, and that's what keeps it all from falling apart, even if it doesn't look that way sometimes."

"And what about you, Spike?" she asked. "What keeps you together?"

He grinned. "Seein' the look on the Whelp's face tonight when you told him we were sleepin' together helps." He laughed as she hit him on the arm, though not hard enough to really hurt. "But seein' the look on your face tonight when you came to my rescue, that's what keeps it together for me."

"I don't love you, Spike," she warned him.

"Yet." He gave her a knowing look. "You don't love me yet, but I plan on bein' around just in case you ever do. That's what love is all about, Buffy. Riskin' everythin'. Givin' everythin'. I might be Love's bitch, but I wouldn't have it any other way."

Any other night, Buffy might have argued with him, but she knew he spoke the truth. She didn't love him yet. But she had a feeling that if he stuck around long enough, he might get his payoff. She put her hand up to caress the cool hand that lay on her cheek. "Let's go inside, Spike."

He followed her, and as he followed her up the stairs, he began to chuckle. "What's so funny?" she whispered.

"Red's still here," he replied, also whispering. "An' she's with Glinda. Didn't I tell you? Bonds of love, you can stretch 'em, but they don't break. Not when you really love each other." Buffy looked at him, at the warmth shining in his eyes, and she couldn't help but believe what he said. That everything would be okay in time. She realized once again that over the last year he had been her anchor in all the chaos, and she couldn't help but be grateful that he was still there, even after all that had happened. And with a smile, she motioned him to follow her to bed.

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