Summary: Set directly after the events of Same Time, Same Place. Buffy realizes that she's probably left Spike in the basement for too long and hauls him out. Her attempts to get the First to stop tormenting him don't go quite as planned, however. Then again, when do spells on the Hellmouth ever work right?
Author's Notes: I may be a minority, but I thought the First was about the lamest villain ever. How do you fight something like that? It's impossible. And besides, it's philosophically and logically insupportable that you'd have the First Evil and not a First Good of some kind. I'd give you the logical argument, but that's not the point. The point is that I'm treating the First as the S3 episode Amends treated the First—like some ghost that could be chased away by some fast talk and the light of day. I'm ignoring the rest of S7 canon pretty much. Oh, and the title is taken from a Christina Rossetti poem I thought was appropriate.
Rating: PG-13
"who were so dark of heart they might not speak,/a little innocence will make them sing;/ teach them to see who could not learn to look/--from the reality of all nothing/will actually lift a luminous whole;/turn sheer despairing to most perfect gay,/nowhere to here,never to beautiful:/a little innocence creates a day./And something thought or done or wished without/a little innocence,although it were/as red as terror and as green as fate,/greyly shall fail and dully despair--/but the proud power of himself death immense/is not so as a little innocence" ~e.e. cummings
The Christmas tree lot was deserted this time of the year. It would be a couple months yet before the lot was crowded with people. Buffy wandered in a seemingly aimless pattern, winding her way through the obstacles in concentric circles, moving ever closer to the location where she'd discovered the First and its minions the first time around.
"Why am I not surprised?" Buffy muttered as she came upon her goal. Sure enough, the trees were dead again. They had been thriving a couple years ago when she had come with her mom to buy a tree. It was the last Christmas Joyce had been alive.
Once again, Buffy hunted around until she found the entrance to the cavern, dropping down through the hole she'd created. She had no idea what she was supposed to do about this thing. The First was back. Last time its goal had seemed to be to get Angel to kill himself, after it couldn't force him to kill her. This time, Buffy hadn't a clue what it wanted.
Unless, of course, the First wanted Spike to kill himself, in which case she was going to be seriously pissed off. How many times did she have to go through this?
"I knew you'd come." This time, there were no harbingers, or if there were they were better hidden. "Did you really think I'd set up shop here again?"
The First looked like her. Buffy was staring into a mirror image of herself, and she suddenly understood exactly how it had managed to get under Spike's skin so deeply. "This is getting really old," she commented. "Have you ever thought of trying a new game?"
"Why?" not-Buffy asked smugly. "This game is so much fun. Better yet, you know the rules. I was a little surprised at how long it took you to catch on, though. I had a long time to work on him. You won't save this one, not this time."
Buffy snarled. "I think you're underestimating him. Spike's the most stubborn person I've ever met."
The First smiled cruelly, and seeing its expression, Buffy wondered if that wasn't what she had looked like to Spike. She suddenly understood why he might not want to stay in Sunnydale. "Do you really think so?" not-Buffy asked. "And what if he killed someone? What then?" The grin broadened. "What if he killed your sister, his beloved Little Bit? You don't think he would beg for death, even if you didn't kill him?"
Buffy's eyes widened. She had no idea if the First could carry out its threat or not, but if it could—if Spike was forced to kill Dawn—the Slayer had no doubt that it would destroy him completely.
The sound of its laughter rang out behind her as she ran.
~~~~~
Dawn had been scared before, but she'd never been frightened of Spike. Well, never was probably an exaggeration, but it had been a long time since she'd felt fear in his presence. Now, however, she could hear his mocking tones behind her.
She had bolted for the front door, only to find him there in front of her. Sometimes it was hard to remember just how fast vampires could be. Dawn had immediately bolted for her room, locking the door behind her, and grabbing her cross and stake.
"Come on, Dawn," Spike's voice called through the door. "Don't make me come find you."
Dawn tugged the window open, her breath coming in short, quick bursts. If she could sneak out the window before Spike knew what she was doing, she could make it to the Magic Box, or one of her friend's houses where he didn't have an invitation.
No, correction. She could find Buffy, because if her sister came home and didn't realize that Spike was psycho, he could be on her before she knew what was happening.
The window finally came up, and Dawn was half out when her bedroom door burst open, the sound of splintering wood causing her to startle.
"You're not trying to sneak out, are you, luv?" Spike asked, his tone mocking. "What would your sister say?"
It wasn't Spike, of that Dawn was certain. Something had him—something was controlling him. Dawn knew that he had warned her for a reason, probably before he'd completely lost control of himself. If he hadn't given her that warning—
Spike grabbed her foot, the only part of her body still in the room. "Come on, pet," he murmured, his yellow eyes glittering. "Don't you want to live forever?"
Dawn yanked herself out of his grip, tumbling down the incline of the roof and onto the ground, the air rushing out of her lungs. She gasped, trying to get her breath back as she forced herself into a standing position. "Dawn!" Strong hands grasped her by the arms, and Dawn met her sister's green eyes. "Where is he?"
"He's inside," Dawn panted. "Something's wrong, Buffy. Spike isn't—"
"He's not himself," Buffy finished grimly. "I'm going to take care of this."
Dawn took a step back, wincing as she put her weight on her twisted ankle. "Don't hurt him, Buffy! He tried to warn me to get away."
"I'll take care of him." Buffy's face was set, and Dawn watched her sister, worried that the Slayer was going to do something she would later regret.
~~~~~
Buffy marched through the front door, ready to do some damage. She wanted to hurt the First, but for right now she'd have to settle for Spike. She hated to beat him up when he wasn't himself, but it was that or staking him.
Staking him wasn't an option. Period.
"Spike!" Buffy yelled. "Get your sorry ass down here!"
He was in full game face when he descended the stairs, his walk as cocky as it had been way back when she had first seen him in that alley outside the Bronze. "Wondered when you'd show."
"This isn't you, Spike," Buffy said, wondering if she could talk him down before she had to put him down. "I know you're in there somewhere."
He didn't reply, coming after her without warning. Buffy fought him off desperately, feeling both his strength and his lack of grace. It was almost as though he was struggling against something, since his movement was jerky and stilted.
Buffy blocked a couple of his punches, taking a kick on the thigh as she twisted out of the way. "Snap out of it!" she yelled, hoping that her voice would bring him back to himself as it had earlier.
There was no recognition in his face now; it was completely blank, devoid of emotion. That was what frightened Buffy more than anything else, since Spike usually wore a manic grin while he fought. This wasn't even concentration. This was like fighting a Spike-shaped automaton.
She finally got the chance to put a fist in his gut, causing him to double over instinctively. Following up the punch with a kick to the jaw, the force of her blow sent him flying across the room, where he lay still.
Buffy sighed as she looked at him. This wasn't what she'd wanted, not anymore. "Is he going to be okay?" Dawn asked from behind her.
"I think so," Buffy replied, going over to where he laid, a trickle of blood on his chin. "Are you okay?"
"My ankle's a little sore," Dawn said, "but I'll be fine. I'm more worried about Spike. He's going to hate himself when he remembers what happened."
Buffy knew her sister was right on the mark. "We'll just have to make sure he believes it wasn't his fault then."
~~~~~
Willow found Dawn on the couch, her leg propped up and an ice pack draped over her ankle. The witch frowned. "What happened, Dawnie?"
"Spike went all psycho on me," Dawn replied. "Literally."
Willow blinked. Dawn sounded way too casual about the whole thing. "And you're okay?"
"I'll be fine," Dawn replied. "It really wasn't Spike's fault. He warned me to get out before he came after me. Buffy thinks the First possessed him or something."
Willow smelled an emergency. She had the sinking feeling that the spell she had found would end up being their only solution after all. "Where's Buffy?"
"In the basement making sure Spike's secure." Dawn grimaced. "You know, I'm beginning to feel really sorry for Spike. First he goes crazy, then something possesses him, and then he gets beat up by my sister." She looked over at Willow . "What did you find? Are you going to do that spell we were talking about?"
Willow sighed. "I don't know if that's such a good idea, but I'm not sure that I have a choice now. It looks like it might be the only game in town."
"Do you really think it's going to help?" Dawn asked. "Won't the First or whatever it is just find another way to torment him?"
"Maybe," Willow allowed. "What the spell will do is prevent the First from making him do anything he doesn't want to do. The biggest problem seems to be that it can play Spike's demon off his soul, making one act against the other. If we can make them one—metaphysically speaking—we can prevent that from happening."
Dawn look skeptical. "What's that going to do to Spike, though?"
"That I don't know," Willow confessed. "I wouldn't dare try it with Angel, but it's got at least a chance at working with Spike."
Dawn wasn't so sure about that. It seemed to her that there were a lot of risks involved with this spell, and that most of them were risks to Spike. "I guess we'll just have to let Buffy decide then."
Willow shook her head. "I'm not doing this without Spike's full cooperation. If this doesn't work, he could wind up a vegetable—or worse."
Dawn didn't even want to know what could be worse.
~~~~~
Spike groaned as he woke, his head throbbing. He felt something cool slide against his skin, and his eyes fluttered open to see Buffy's face. Her hand pushed him back down when he tried to sit up. "Lie down, Spike."
He did as he was told, knowing that he was as close to being dust as he ever had been before. He could feel the heavy manacles around his wrists and felt a rush of relief. "How's Dawn?"
"She's fine." Buffy's face was grim as she wiped the blood from his chin. "She twisted her ankle when she fell, but it'll probably be fine by tomorrow."
Spike's face twisted in shame. "Just stake me, Buffy. It's the only way—"
"It's not the only way," Buffy cut him off. " Willow 's working on a spell that might help."
Spike shook his head. "What if it doesn't work? What if I get loose, an' I hurt Dawn, or Red, or—you. Bloody hell, Slayer! Just do it already!"
"I'm not going to kill you," she said stubbornly. "That's just what the First wants."
Spike swallowed. "Then why don't we give it what it wants?" he asked quietly. "'s not like I don't deserve it."
"Forget it," Buffy retorted. "You're not getting out of this that easy, Spike."
"So you're doin' this to torture me?"
"No, I'm doing this because you don't deserve to die any more than anybody else does," she responded. "Think about it, Spike. If I killed everyone who's hurt me, anyone who'd ever tried to kill me—I wouldn't have any friends right now."
"But—"
"No," she said. "I'm going to get you through this, and then we're going to hash some things out." Buffy's hand was still on his chest, sending heat radiating through his form. "This wasn't your fault. Something got to you, and we're going to make sure it doesn't happen again."
"Why are you doin' this?" he demanded, sitting up in spite of her orders. "You're not in love with me. You don't even like me. Why does it matter?"
"Because it does." At the look on his face, Buffy winced. "I don't hate you. Besides, you—" She couldn't finish, couldn't say the words to his face. It would be too much of an admission that there was something more there.
It would mean confessing that she had known he loved her before the soul.
"Look, we can talk about this later. I need to see if Willow 's found anything yet."
The sound of a throat being cleared had Buffy turning. "I found a spell."
~~~~~
Buffy was shaking her head by the time Willow got done. "There are too many risks."
"I want you to do it," Spike said, ignoring Buffy's objection. "Is it safe for you?"
"For me?" Willow asked. "Yeah, but if it doesn't work there's no telling what it will do to you."
"It'll merge the demon an' the soul, right?" Spike asked. "'s pretty much what I wanted to begin with."
"Technically it doesn't merge the two, it just makes it hard to tell one from the other. It binds them together so that the First can't use the demon side of you, or the human side."
Buffy had a bad feeling about this. "I don't know, Will. If this goes wrong—"
"You'll stake me an' be done with it," Spike interrupted. "If this doesn't work, I won't have this thing usin' me."
Buffy shook her head. "I'll go find its Bringers and kick their asses," she objected. "We can at least try."
"And until you know for sure it's gone, you keep me in the basement?" Spike asked incredulously. "Don't think so."
Willow held up a hand. "I think Spike might be right," she inserted. "Not that I want to do the spell, but the First could easily come back without us knowing about it. It seems to really like souled vampires."
"It seems to hate souled vampires," Buffy corrected impatiently. She stood, beginning to pace. She didn't like the risks that Willow had outlined, nor did she like the idea of keeping Spike chained up indefinitely. "What's the real risk on this, Willow ? Give me your best guess."
Willow sighed. "There's a really good chance that if the spell doesn't work it'll just fizzle. No harm done. I think I can make it work."
"And if it doesn't work and it doesn't fizzle?" Buffy pressed.
Willow gave Spike an apologetic look. "Spike could just not wake up. Ever."
"I still want to do it." Spike's voice was steady. "Buffy, I can't do this again. If I hurt you or Dawn—"
He didn't have to finish. Buffy knew exactly what it would do to him. There would literally be nothing left. "What do we need?"
"I already have the supplies," Willow replied. "I got them tonight, just in case."
"I want to do it as soon as possible." Spike's voice cut into the silence. "I trust you, Red."
Buffy looked over at her friend, who was wringing her hands nervously. "That's good, because I don't know if I trust me." Willow gave Buffy a pleading look. "You should probably be here for it, you know. If I go all veiny—"
"I'll take care of it," Buffy replied. "You'd better get your things."
She left, and the Slayer looked over at Spike. "You're sure about this?"
"Do I look sure?"
He looked as determined as she'd ever seen him. "Maybe we're being too hasty," she hedged. "We haven't been looking for a solution very long. There could be—"
"Something else?" Spike asked. "How long before we're sure? How long until I get hijacked again an' end up doin' some real damage?"
Buffy took a deep breath, sitting down next to him on the cot. "I don't want you hurt."
"Nice to know you care, luv," he said, a touch of sarcasm in his tone.
"I care."
It was out now, although she'd been giving off every indication of caring for the past couple days. "Because of the soul."
"Not just that, though it helps," Buffy admitted. "It makes things easier."
"Yeah," he muttered, staring down at his hands. Spike hated that it mattered, but wasn't that why he'd gotten it in the first place?
Buffy laid a hand on his. "Look, Spike, if this doesn't turn out—"
Whatever she was going to say was interrupted by Willow 's re-entrance. "I've got everything," she said. "I don't think it'll take too long."
The Slayer knew she needed to say something—knew she needed to tell Spike that the soul wasn't everything. The words stuck in her throat. "Great. Let's get started then."
~~~~~
The spell was deceptively simple. While they would have all been more comfortable upstairs in the living room, it was deemed safer to stay in the basement, just in case the chains around Spike's wrists became necessary in the middle of things.
Willow was more than a little nervous about the whole thing. It wasn't a complicated spell, but it required a lot of concentration and will power from the caster, and while that was exactly what she'd been working on with the coven, this was the first test of her new-found control.
This was why she had started using magic in the first place—to help her friends, to be useful. This was also why Giles had sent her back to Sunnydale, because they needed her.
Willow asked Buffy to move the cot out of the way, then she sprinkled the elements around Spike in a circle. "This won't set me on fire, will it?" he asked.
"No fire, I promise," Willow replied. "This is a fire-free zone."
"You'll be fine, Red."
Willow appreciated his assurances, and his faith. They had been almost-friends at some point, before things had gone so horribly wrong. Willow hated that she was a part of that, hated that she hadn't done anything to help Buffy after ripping her friend out of heaven.
It had been easier to get lost in the magicks. Willow had forgotten that magic was supposed to be hard.
She sat down cross-legged in front of him, taking in a deep breath. "What's going to happen?" Buffy asked from behind her.
"Not much," Willow replied quietly. "It's not a real flashy spell."
"How will we know if it worked?" the Slayer asked, sounding doubtful.
Willow made a face at Spike, knowing Buffy couldn't see it, noting the answering twinkle in his eyes. "Spike will definitely know."
She felt it immediately—the power like a siren's call. It was there all the time, but Willow could sense it more distinctly when she focused. The coven had explained that this wasn't something she could just get rid of, and even if she could, Willow had the responsibility to use her power wisely.
To whom much is given, much is required.
Willow had understood then that asking that they strip her of her abilities was just another attempt at taking the easy way out. The magic had gotten out of control, therefore the magic ought to be taken from her.
It was never that easy.
As Willow had suspected, both Spike's soul and demon weren't at war. The demon had asked for the soul, so it was relatively resigned to the state of things. There was still a chasm that needed to be bridged, however, and that was what the spell would do.
It was, in many ways, artificial, and it wouldn't last forever. What it would do— Willow hoped—was to prevent one side from being taken over from the other. The First would find it impossible to use Spike's demon against him, would no longer be able to tap into that energy without getting the moral compass the soul represented.
The spell would also, with some luck, undo any of the brainwashing that the First had used. That last part was a long shot, however.
At long last, Willow could feel the spell she'd woven taking effect, binding the demon to the soul and vice versa. Everything was going just fine when something lurched, and she was hit with a wave of power.
As darkness swept over her, Willow realized that she had underestimated the affect that the First itself would have on the spell.
~~~~~
Buffy watched as Willow 's eyes shot open, the pupils having expanded until they eclipsed the iris. The Slayer froze, wondering if she would have to step in, but the witch's eyes shut, and she toppled over sideways in the next moment.
Rushing over to her friend, Buffy breathed a sigh of relief when Willow began to stir immediately. "Oh boy," she groaned. "That was not fun."
Buffy frowned, and then looked back towards Spike. He had seemed to drift off to sleep during the course of the spell, but now his eyes were wide open, and he was looking around with ill-concealed terror. "Spike?"
His head snapped around, and he focused on her for the first time. There was no recognition in his eyes. "Where am I?" he demanded. "Who are you?" The chains rattled as he moved his hands. "I demand to know what you want of me!"
Buffy sat frozen. The accent was different, the facial expressions, everything. It was impossible, but of one thing she was certain—it was no longer Spike sitting in front of her.
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