Summary: Set directly after the events of Same Time, Same Place. Buffy realizes that she's probably left Spike in the basement for too long and hauls him out. Her attempts to get the First to stop tormenting him don't go quite as planned, however. Then again, when do spells on the Hellmouth ever work right?
Author's Notes: I may be a minority, but I thought the First was about the lamest villain ever. How do you fight something like that? It's impossible. And besides, it's philosophically and logically insupportable that you'd have the First Evil and not a First Good of some kind. I'd give you the logical argument, but that's not the point. The point is that I'm treating the First as the S3 episode Amends treated the First—like some ghost that could be chased away by some fast talk and the light of day. I'm ignoring the rest of S7 canon pretty much. Oh, and the title is taken from a Christina Rossetti poem I thought was appropriate.
Rating: PG-13
“Love dragged its tail of pain,/its train of static thorns behind it,/and we closed our eyes so that nothing,/so that no wound could divide us./This crying, it's not your eyes' fault;/your hands didn't plunge that sword;/your feet didn't seek this path;/this somber honey found its own way to your heart./When love like a huge wave/carried us, crashed us against the boulder,/it milled us to a single flour;/this sorrow fell into another, sweeter, face:/so in an open season of the light/this wounded springtime was blessed.” ~Pablo Neruda, Sonnet LXI
William knew his own face, unfamiliar as it was. Buffy's picture of him had been taken recently enough that he knew what he looked like these days.
It still didn't prepare him for the shock, though.
William's face metamorphosed into its usual human form, and Dawn looked from one to the other in alarm. It was easy to tell them apart. William had let his hair grow for the last couple months, and so it was two-toned and curly, giving his face a softness that had never been there with Spike.
It was strange to see the differences in them up close and personal, though. Dawn had forgotten how dissimilar Spike and William really were, even though this wasn't really Spike. William was wearing the clothes Buffy had helped him pick out, and his hair wasn't slicked back, and he didn't have the duster on.
His expression was twisted in fear and shame, and Dawn was certain she'd never seen Spike look like that.
Not since the tower, anyway.
Not-Spike circled William in a familiar predatory prowl. “You're not real, you know,” he said in a conversational tone. “You're the result of a spell, an' when that's broken, you'll be gone. Everything you think you have is a mirage. Everything you think you are has been in the grave for more than a hundred years.”
“I am real!” William shouted, although his voice shook. “You are nothing more than the bogeyman in the closet.”
Spike smirked. “Wrong, you prancing git. I'm in everything. I'm the First Evil. I was here before anything else. There is nothing that I don't touch. You can't get rid of me.”
William swallowed. “You don't own me, nor do you control me.”
“You're a demon,” the First crowed with Spike's voice. “I made you!”
“I'm a good man!” he replied a little desperately.
Spike smirked, his face transforming, yellow eyes glowing in the darkness. “This is what you are.”
William was trembling uncontrollably at this point, his blue eyes wide and frightened. Still, he held his ground stubbornly. “That is what I was. I can be a good man.”
“What makes you think your nature won't take over?” the First demanded. “What makes you think you won't kill those that you love? Like her?”
When the First pointed, William turned. He would have paled if that had been possible. There was a man holding a long, curved dagger to Dawn's throat. Her eyes were wide with fear, silently pleading with him to do something, to save her. “You brought her here,” his own voice said. “You'll be responsible for her death.”
“No,” William whispered.
“Oh, yeah,” the First replied smugly. “They'll all die because of you.”
“No.” His voice was stronger this time.
“You're nothing.” The voice was going on, but William wasn't really listening. He was trying to figure out how to save Dawn. “You're less than nothing. You'll kill them all or get them killed. You're evil to the core, and you always will be.”
William turned to face it. “You don't know what you're talking about,” he said calmly.
His own face smirked. “Sure I do.”
“No, you really don't,” William said, his voice becoming stronger as he spoke. “That's because you don't know anything at all, not about love or sacrifice or faith. You will not have Dawn, and I will be dust before you have me.”
There was a flicker of some unreadable emotion in the eyes of the First. “I made you,” it repeated.
William smiled. “No. I made myself.”
And then he leapt.
~~~~~
They hadn't found William or Dawn, but they'd managed to find the First's Harbingers. Between Buffy's fists and boots and Willow 's sleep-spell, all of them were soon unconscious, the circle and cauldron broken and discarded.
Willow made a face. “This is bad news.”
“What is?” Buffy asked, looking around for any sign of William or her sister.
The witch shuddered. “Can't you feel it? This place is saturated with dark magic.”
“This place is definitely giving me the creeps,” Xander agreed. “What are we going to do?”
Willow shook her head. “I should cleanse this place. It might help prevent the First from using it again.”
“Anything you can do, Wills,” Buffy agreed. “Xander, stay with her.”
Xander looked like he was about to protest, and then shut his mouth when he saw the look Buffy was giving him. “You've got it, Buf.”
The ‘Bringers had been in a cave set into a hill, and the Slayer thought there was a good possibility that the First would be close by. She had no doubt that William would be near the First. She wasn't quite sure how long the First would stick around now that the Harbingers had been dispensed of, but there was no way she'd take a chance with William's or her sister's life.
Buffy shivered, remembering the hungry expressions on the Harbingers' sightless faces. She honestly didn't get them. Vampires, demons, they were supposed to be evil. Not that she liked vampires or demons, but she understood them. They were the enemy.
Why humans had to join the side of the enemy, Buffy just didn't understand.
William's voice came to her, and he sounded panicked. Buffy picked up the pace, moving carefully over the rough terrain. The trees flashed past her in the darkness as she started running faster. She was scared to death that she was going to arrive too late.
She couldn't lose either of them. Buffy wasn't sure she'd survive it.
When she came upon the clearing, William was struggling with a ‘Bringer, a laceration on his arm bleeding freely. Buffy immediately knew that the figure of Spike looking on was actually the First.
Buffy was about to rush forward to help him when Dawn grabbed her arm. “No, Buffy. Let him do this. It's important.”
There was a small nick on Dawn's throat, and Buffy could see the sheen of blood gleaming darkly in the moonlight. “What happened?”
“That guy grabbed me, and William saved my life,” Dawn replied simply. “The knife nicked the skin. It doesn't even hurt really.”
Buffy watched as William struggled manfully. He was holding his own, and she could see some of Spike's familiar grace entering his movements. “The chip isn't working,” Buffy commented.
Dawn shook her head. “I guess not. William didn't even flinch when he hit him. Either that, or they aren't quite human anymore.”
Buffy wouldn't have been surprised at that last. She hadn't bothered asking Spike if the chip still worked, though, so she had no idea if it had come out when the soul went in. “You are so grounded, by the way.”
Dawn was still intently watching the fight. She instinctively knew that William needed to face this on his own, which was why she had prevented Buffy from interfering. “You would have done the same thing!” she protested.
“You could have left a note,” Buffy pointed out.
“There wasn't time.”
“Fine. But next time you do something like this, you're going to be grounded for life.”
“Fine.”
~~~~~
Dimly, William was aware that Buffy had shown up, and he was relieved when Dawn stopped her from stepping in.
The First had expected him to attack it, but William had been well aware that if it was incorporeal, he'd just pass right through and end up making a fool out of himself by landing on his face. Instead, he'd tackled the ‘Bringer, knocking Dawn away. He thought perhaps she'd gotten scratched a bit from the knife, but she was safe, and that was all that mattered.
As he fought, his muscles seemed to remember what to do, even if he didn't. Something was bubbling up inside him, much as it had when they'd gone after R.J. and his magical jacket. It was more primal this time, more real. It was frightening, and reassuring at the same time. This was something he remembered.
This was what he was.
William grappled with the ‘Bringer, trying to ignore the pain in his arm where the knife had cut deeply. In a motion that was mostly reflex, William twisted his body and the other man's arm, using the momentum to shove the knife deep into the ‘Bringer's chest.
The Harbinger gasped once and then collapsed, leaving William standing with blood-stained hands.
“You'll never be clean.” It was the First again, this time in the form of Buffy.
William stared at her. “Maybe not, but I can ensure that I shed the right blood for the right reason.”
“You can't love!” The First's protests were growing weaker now. It knew it had lost, and without the support from its Harbingers, it could no longer manifest. Still, it was unwilling to go without causing as much damage as possible. “You're nothing but a monster!”
William smiled gently. “And didn't the Beast love Beauty?”
It was perhaps fitting that it would be a poet who finally defeated the First, at least for a time. That it was not brawn or cunning, for both could be used for evil. What gave William the strength to face the First was both simple and incomprehensible; it was love.
With a scream, the First's true face appeared, and William flinched, feeling a coldness pass through him. For a moment, he thought he had been turned inside out, and then darkness took him.
~~~~~
Buffy darted forward when the First changed forms—from Spike to her to the ravening monster she'd seen when she'd faced it down on Angel's behalf. It was a little eerie, seeing her own face reflected back to her.
When it appeared to pass through William and disappear, leaving him in a heap on the ground, Buffy feared that it had tried to possess him or something. “William?”
There was more than a little alarm in her voice. Buffy had no desire to lose him. “Come on, William. Wake up.”
His eyes fluttered open and he stared at her with a dazed expression. “Buffy?”
He spoke only one word, but Buffy knew immediately. William was gone. “Spike?”
The vampire groaned, pushing himself up from the ground. “Yeah,” he replied shortly. “Don't know what it did, but it broke that little spell you put on me.”
“If I remember correctly, you're the one who asked for it,” Buffy shot back, the dregs of worry causing her tone to be sharper than she'd intended.
Spike looked up, meeting her eyes briefly before glancing away. “Right. Yeah. Let's get out of here, huh?” He stood slowly, ignoring Buffy's offer of help, pausing only to smile at Dawn. “Thanks for comin' with me.”
“Anytime,” she replied with an answering smile.
An understanding passed between them, and Spike nodded. They were still friends; they always would be. “Good of you, Bit.”
That was it. Spike didn't speak again during the long walk home.
~~~~~
Buffy had no idea what was going on. Spike had refused to look at her or even speak to her. Once they had reached the house, he had immediately announced his desire to get cleaned up and retreated into the bathroom with the door locked.
She knew because she'd tried the door.
Although Buffy had hoped that Spike would someday return, she hadn't given much thought to what she would do when he did. How much did Spike remember about his time as William? Had he been witness to all of it? Because if he had, he must know how she felt about him.
She heard the front door open and close, and she went downstairs to greet an exhausted Willow . “Xander dropped me off,” the other woman explained. “He said he had to be at the site early tomorrow, otherwise he would have come in.”
“That's fine,” Buffy replied. “I'll give him a call tomorrow. How did it go?”
“It's clean,” Willow said with a weary smile. “There were even a few blades of grass beginning to shoot up when I left.”
Buffy's smile widened. “That's wonderful, Willow.”
“Yeah, it really is,” she agreed. “This was what I've been training for, to bring healing and to help.”
Buffy gave her a grateful hug. “You helped big-time tonight.” She hesitated, and then said, “Spike's back.”
Willow 's eyes widened. “What?”
“Something the First did as it left—I don't know. William passed out, and when he opened his eyes, he was Spike again.”
Willow searched Buffy's face. “Are you okay with that?”
“I don't know,” Buffy admitted. “I love him, Wills, but—I got used to having William around.”
“It'll take some time, but you'll get used to having Spike around too,” Willow said.
Buffy shook her head. “He wouldn't talk to me—or even look at me—on the way home.”
“It was probably pretty disorienting,” Willow consoled. “Give it some time.” She yawned. “I've got to get to bed.”
“You should do that,” Buffy replied, watching her friend head up the stairs. The Slayer paused for a moment before following, opening her bedroom door to find Spike standing by the window.
“How are you?”
“Good.”
“That's good.” Buffy watched him. “Spike—”
“Don't say it,” he replied shortly. “I know.”
Buffy frowned. “What do you know?”
“I know you loved him.”
There was an ache in his voice that started up an answering pain in her heart. “I loved you.”
“I'm not William.”
“Actually, you pretty much are.” Buffy snorted. “And what was that ‘I've always been bad' crap?”
A hint of a smile played around the corners of his lips. “I was tryin' to impress you.”
“Uh huh.” Buffy smiled as he met her eyes and the air slowly grew charged. “Spike—”
He shook his head. “It's okay, Buffy. I remember, you know. All of it. It was like I was there an' not there. Little hard to explain. But I know you loved him.”
“Then you have to remember me telling William that I loved you too.” Buffy sighed. “William is a part of who you are, Spike, even if you don't want to admit it.”
“What I did—” Spike nearly choked on the words.
Buffy strode forward, feeling the sudden need to have contact. “You got your soul for me.” Spike still wouldn't meet her eyes. “Spike—”
“Don't, please,” he whispered. “I can't bear it, Buffy. Just let me go.”
“Dammit!” Buffy burst out, surprising the both of them with the passion that exploded out. “Would you let me finish my freaking sentence?” Spike swallowed, and then nodded numbly. “I've been trying to tell you that I missed you, you big, dumb—vampire!”
Spike blinked, nonplussed. “I thought—”
“Because you wouldn't let me finish,” Buffy said sharply. “I swear, you are so thick-headed sometimes. Before we did the spell, I was trying to tell you that I loved you. I just couldn't get the words out.”
The first signs of a pout crossed his face. “You could tell William easily enough.”
“Maybe that's because William didn't act like such a jackass,” Buffy replied in a falsely sweet voice.
They stared at each other. “Is this even going to work?”
“I don't know,” Buffy replied honestly. “I thought it was going pretty good.”
Spike gave her a pained smile. “It was. These last few weeks—I think they were the best I've ever had, luv.”
She had to blink away tears. “Me too. I mean, it was really, really good.” There was a long silence. “I don't want you to leave, Spike.”
“You don't know me, Buffy,” he said gently. “Not really, not with the soul. You don't even know who you're talking to.”
“I'm talking to you!” she exploded. “Haven't you heard a word that I said? I loved you before you got the soul, and I loved William, and I love you!”
She kissed him then, desperately, hoping to make him see. Buffy couldn't bear to let him go, not after what they'd been through.
Not after she'd just found him again.
“We shouldn't do this,” Spike whispered, pulling back slightly, although he made no move to let her go. “You don't want this.”
“Don't tell me what I want,” Buffy replied, but there was no heat in her tone.
He sighed. “Okay.”
“Don't leave.” It was half-command, half-plea. “I know this is weird and awkward and you feel like we don't know each other or something, but stay anyway.”
Spike closed his eyes and tightened his grip on her. “Alright, luv. I'll stay long as you want.”
Buffy noticed that he didn't say he loved her in return, but he didn't let her go, either. She supposed that was good enough for the moment.
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