Summary: Set directly after the events of Same Time, Same Place. Buffy realizes that she's probably left Spike in the basement for too long and hauls him out. Her attempts to get the First to stop tormenting him don't go quite as planned, however. Then again, when do spells on the Hellmouth ever work right?
Author's Notes: I may be a minority, but I thought the First was about the lamest villain ever. How do you fight something like that? It's impossible. And besides, it's philosophically and logically insupportable that you'd have the First Evil and not a First Good of some kind. I'd give you the logical argument, but that's not the point. The point is that I'm treating the First as the S3 episode Amends treated the First—like some ghost that could be chased away by some fast talk and the light of day. I'm ignoring the rest of S7 canon pretty much. Oh, and the title is taken from a Christina Rossetti poem I thought was appropriate.
Rating: PG-13
"...No one can stop the river of your hands,/your eyes and their sleepiness, my dearest./You are the trembling of time, which passes/between the vertical light and the darkening sky./ The sky folds its wings over you,/lifting you, carrying you to my arms/with its punctual, mysterious courtesy./That's why I sing to the day and to the moon,/to the sea, to time, to all the planets,/to your daily voice, to your nocturnal skin." ~Pablo Neruda, Sonnet XLIX
It was somehow easier after that. Having been a part of resolving the issue of R.J. and his magical jacket, William seemed to gain confidence. The nightmares still haunted him, but the First seemed to have taken a vacation, and their lives fell into a kind of rhythm.
There was a part of Buffy that found it difficult to remember what life had been like without William, what having Spike around had been like. She hadn't gotten a chance to know the souled version, and so it was simpler to pretend that William was Spike, Version 2.0.
The moments between sleeping and waking, when he would call her Slayer or pet or love, reminded her that it was a lie. There were moments when William would tilt his head or raise an eyebrow or smile at her in a way that was so purely Spike it took her breath away. Those were the moments she missed her Spike most—when she missed her slaying partner, when she missed her lover.
William was making no moves to take over in that department. Buffy had the feeling that he was just as frustrated as she was; he was simply better at hiding it.
Still, there were things that Spike had never done that William didn't seem to mind doing. Once Buffy had explained the necessity of helping around the house, he'd taken over doing the laundry with no complaints. He didn't seem to mind cooking, and Buffy knew that she and Dawn were eating better now than they had in a long while.
William went to the grocery store with her, he helped Dawn with her homework, and he never made lewd comments.
Of course, Buffy kind of missed the lewd comments.
That was the problem. Although she liked William, and had no desire to see him gone, she still wanted Spike back. She missed the snark and the banter, the slaying and sex.
Buffy wanted to have her cake and eat it too.
By the time Christmas rolled around, their routine was set, and Buffy was beginning to suspect that she would have to make do with brief glimpses of the Spike she had known. Maybe it was penance—she hadn't appreciated him enough when Spike was there, and now she had to live with his absence.
Buffy had forgotten one very important thing, however—the First enjoyed celebrating Christmas.
~~~~~
"What do you want for Christmas, William?" Buffy asked idly. They had just gotten through the first week of December, and it would soon be time to get a tree. The holiday season was just getting underway, and it looked to be a much happier one than the previous year.
They had been relaxing idly, Buffy watching an afternoon talkshow while William read. He glanced up from his book at her question, raising an eyebrow. "Pardon me?"
"What do you want for Christmas?" Buffy repeated.
A slight frown showed him to be deep in thought. "I'm not sure." He smiled at her. "Surprise me."
Buffy was silent, waiting for the question that nearly always followed. When he didn't ask, she decided that she needed to take matters into her own hands. "Aren't you going to ask me what I want for Christmas?"
William blinked. He wasn't certain of what precisely he was going to get Buffy for Christmas, but he'd planned on figuring it out on his own. Apparently, the Summers ' tradition was to ask, however. "What would you like for Christmas, Buffy?" he asked obediently.
"You."
Both eyebrows went straight up into his hairline. "I beg your pardon?"
"I want you," Buffy said as clearly as she was able.
"You want me." William was trying to puzzle out the meaning of that statement when it hit him. "I—you—we—"
"I think we should do more than sleep when we're in my bed," Buffy said frankly. She felt kind of like Anya.
William was still struggling to assimilate her request. "But, you—"
"I love you," Buffy said. She allowed a touch of hurt to creep into her tone. "Unless you don't want me..."
"No!" William quickly assured her, since that truly was the furthest thing from his mind. "No, not at all. It's just—shouldn't we have some sort of understanding, or—"
"What's to understand?" she asked, moving closer and watching his rather obvious physical reaction to her proximity. "I love you, I'm pretty sure you love me—"
"I do!"
"—we're two consenting adults, who have needs," Buffy continued as if he hadn't spoken. "I don't know why we can't act on it."
William had loosened up quite a bit in the last few weeks. He'd had to. Still, what Buffy was suggesting went far beyond anything he'd ever imagined doing. It certainly went beyond what he'd thought he might do with a woman he would consider marrying.
Of course, from what he'd gathered, marriage didn't seem a prerequisite to much these days.
He was still hesitating when Buffy kissed him. Up till now, their embraces had been fairly chaste. There certainly hadn't been any tongue action, and their hands had remained in appropriate places. Mostly.
Buffy, however, was determined to offer him a taste of what he was missing, should William decide not to get her what she wanted for Christmas. Her hands were traveling to places they had never been before—not that William remembered, anyway. Her tongue teased his lips open, coaxing and teaching all at the same time.
It was interesting to be using some of the techniques that Spike had taught her on William, who hadn't a clue.
He was a quick learner, though.
Of its own accord, one strong hand came to rest over her breast, and Buffy couldn't suppress a shudder of need. She wanted this—wanted him. Wanted him now . She'd done without Spike for so long, and whatever else you could say about their relationship, the sex had been good.
No, better than good. Mind-blowing .
In spite of William's inexperience, he was catching on pretty quickly, and she might have gotten to unwrap her Christmas present early except for a throat being cleared in the background.
"Can't you guys get a room?"
Dawn's wry tone had William halfway across the room before Buffy even registered that someone had spoken. She glared at her sister. "Don't you have somewhere to be?"
"Uh, yeah, I do," Dawn replied. "I'm going out with some friends from school. You just seem to get really cranky when I leave without telling you these things. Of course, if you don't mind—"
Buffy scowled. "I do mind, and—" She stopped, rising to grab Dawn's arm and pull her into the hallway. "You couldn't have left a note?" she hissed. "Do you know how long I've waited for William to loosen up enough to make out with me?"
"Is that what you two were doing?" Dawn asked innocently. "I thought you were trying to have sex with your clothes on."
Buffy's eyes narrowed. "Do you ever want to be able to date without a chaperone?" she asked in a deceptively sweet tone. "Because I could make sure it doesn't happen until you're at least thirty-five."
It was an idle threat and Dawn knew it. On the other hand, Buffy was completely capable of making sure that she didn't date for the rest of her high school career, and Mike was looking like he might ask her to the spring dance. There was no way she was going to mess that up. "You know, I'm running late. I won't be back till ten, so you two crazy kids have a great time."
With that, Dawn was out the door, leaving Buffy to deal with the mess that was William.
It was definitely a mess, too.
"We shouldn't have done that," William asserted as soon as she came back into the living room. "Dawn will get the wrong idea."
"Dawn doesn't have a clue," Buffy said, meaning every word. "I think we should take up where we left off."
"We're setting a poor example," he protested. "We ought to have reached an understanding at the very least before doing—that."
Buffy sighed. "Before making out? William, it's no big deal. Trust me, we've done a lot more than that."
She knew it was a mistake as soon as the words left her mouth. William was very sensitive where Spike was concerned. Any mention of his alter ego had him immediately questioning their relationship and her intentions. "You and Spike may have done many things, but I am not Spike."
"No, you're not," Buffy agreed with another sigh. "I'm sorry, William. I shouldn't have brought him into this, but—"
"I think it might be best if I moved back into the basement for the time being," he said. "I don't want Dawn getting the wrong idea about us. It would be unfortunate to encourage immoral behavior."
Buffy winced. This was not how she had wanted the evening to go. She had the feeling that if she'd managed to get William to go all the way and do the deed, he'd enjoy it so much that it would outweigh the guilty feelings. She had hoped that by jumping his bones, she'd jump-start him .
So much for that idea.
William sleeping in the basement was out of the question, however. Buffy had been very careful in the last few weeks to make sure that William was never completely alone, especially not when he was vulnerable. Now that he and Xander were getting along, she didn't have to worry about the other man saying something that would give the First a foothold. There were other times when William was susceptible, however, and that was the main reason he wasn't sleeping in the basement.
The other reason was that Buffy liked having him there.
"No," she said firmly. "The First—"
"Isn't here," William said, cutting her off. "It hasn't troubled us for weeks. I hardly think that my sleeping in the basement will change any of that. It's final, Buffy. This isn't right."
With that, he was gone, heading downstairs. Buffy stared after him, a look of determination appearing on her face. William wasn't staying in the basement, no matter what he thought. She would give him some time to get himself under control, but that was it.
She wanted William, and Buffy was going to get him. She'd just have to make sure he wanted it too.
~~~~~
William reached the bottom of the stairs before he started shaking. He couldn't believe what he'd nearly done. He couldn't believe how much he wanted it! If he had any sense at all, he would march right back up those stairs and give Buffy exactly what she professed to want.
That was just it, though. William wasn't so sure that Buffy did want him. Whatever she might think, he wasn't Spike. He was scared to death that he wouldn't be able to make her happy.
William was certain that in a comparison, he would be the one to come up short.
"I knew you wouldn't be able to do it."
He turned to see Buffy standing there, her arms crossed. He was too shaken to remember what the Slayer had told him weeks before about trying to touch her. William was an intelligent man, but like Spike, he had a tendency to think with his heart, and not his head. "What are you talking about?"
"Spike would have given me what I needed," Buffy said. "I figured since you had taken his place, I'd make do, but you can't even do that for me."
William frowned. "It's wrong. We shouldn't—we can't—"
"Hello?" Buffy cut him off. "I was asking for it. The first woman in history who actually desires you, and you run away. It's no wonder Cecily didn't want you. It had nothing to do with social status or money or anything else, William. It was you. You were beneath her."
At this point, William was starting to feel like running might be a really good option, and so he headed for the stairs. She was suddenly in front of him. Unless he went right through her, William was stuck. "I've changed!" he protested. "I'm not that man any longer."
"Doesn't look that way to me," Buffy replied with a cruel smile. "You still don't have a backbone."
William frowned, reaching for something, anything, to defend himself. "I'm a good man."
"Who cares?" Buffy asked. "Every woman wants a bad boy. Too bad you're too scared to walk on the wild side."
William had no desire to listen to her any longer. He turned his back, hoping that she'd get the idea. He had no idea how long he was standing there, just staring into space, when he heard Buffy's voice from behind him.
"Look, William, I know that you probably don't want to hear this, but I still think it's a good idea for you to spend the night in my room." There was some hesitation in her voice as she finished, "If it'll make you feel better, you can sleep on the floor."
He shut his eyes, pained. William knew he had missed his chance. "That might be the best idea."
"I really wish you wouldn't, though," Buffy said quietly.
William turned to stare at her. "I thought—"
"I want you to be comfortable," Buffy said. "But I want you."
"You want Spike," he retorted.
Buffy gave him a small smile. "Actually, I really want both of you."
It wasn't quite the right answer. William would have preferred if she'd said that she just wanted him and no one else, but beggars couldn't be choosers.
Maybe coming in second best was good enough for the likes of him.
~~~~~
Buffy sensed that something was still wrong the next day. There was a distance between them that hadn't been there for a while. She wanted the easy friendship back again, and she hadn't a clue as to how to get it. How was she supposed to make it better?
There was no way she was going to leave things the way they were, that was for sure. She and William had come too far.
She finally managed to corner him after dinner the next day. "William? Is there something wrong?"
"No," William replied, but there was a shortness in his tone that indicated not all was well.
Buffy came over and put a hand on his arm, feeling him stiffen under her touch. "Don't lie to me." Her tone was sharper than any she'd used for a long time.
"Why should you care?" he demanded.
Stunned, Buffy stared at him. "What are you— "
"I'm not him, Buffy!" William burst out. "I am not Spike, and I never will be. If you are waiting for him to come back, then please just let me be."
"What part of 'I want you' did you not get?" she demanded in turn. "I love you. You're—you're not the same, but you are! You're still the man I want, just one side of the same coin. I love you both equally!"
He shook his head. "I am weak, Buffy! I am not a strong man, and I—"
"Stop it!" Buffy was nearly in tears now, although she couldn't have said why she was crying. It might have been because she could hear the echo of her own words in his. Every hateful thing she had ever said to Spike was now coming back to haunt her. "That's not true!"
"Then why the bloody hell do you love me?" It was the first time William could remember raising his voice. Most certainly it was the first time he had shouted at a woman. The odd part was that he could not find it in himself to be sorry.
The words were Spike's, but the accent was all William. And his expression—it was longing, uncertainty, fear, and naked desire all rolled up into one. Spike had looked at her like that.
Buffy had turned him away.
Was it some buried memory that was coming back now? Did he remember her rejection and fear it in some forgotten place in his heart? Was it the soul that she loved, or was it Spike? It was like loving two men at the same time, so different and yet so alike. It made her heart hurt and her head ache. Buffy knew that she could live without Spike returning at this point. She could live with only William, but that didn't mean that she didn't love Spike.
It seemed an impossible situation.
On the plus side, Buffy excelled at the impossible.
In the end, there was only one explanation for why she loved him, so she gave it. "Because you're you, dumbass!" Buffy glared at him. "It's you!"
"I'm not Spike!"
"I don't care, dammit!" She was nearly ready to punch him. "I love you!"
So he kissed her.
William did it mostly to demonstrate how not like Spike he really was. There was a small part of him that was hoping Buffy would get the picture and shove him away. Not that he didn't want her, mind you, but he didn't want her to make a mistake.
Correction. He didn't want to bear the consequences should she decide she had made a mistake.
In the end, however, William played right into Buffy's hands. The heat from their argument acted like a catalyst, and the heat of their anger turned into something else. Dawn had gone to the Bronze with a few friends, and Willow was at the school library studying, and so the house was empty. There was no possibility of being interrupted.
It wasn't as though all his doubts evaporated with Buffy's kiss. William was still dead certain that this back and forth thing between them would not end well, at least not for him. He had thrown caution to the wind, though.
If the truth were to be told, William wanted to know what it felt like to love and be loved in return, even if it was only an illusion. Even if it was a mistake, he craved Buffy's touch.
There would be time enough to pay the piper tomorrow.
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