Summary: Set directly after the events of Same Time, Same Place. Buffy realizes that she's probably left Spike in the basement for too long and hauls him out. Her attempts to get the First to stop tormenting him don't go quite as planned, however. Then again, when do spells on the Hellmouth ever work right?
Author's Notes: I may be a minority, but I thought the First was about the lamest villain ever. How do you fight something like that? It's impossible. And besides, it's philosophically and logically insupportable that you'd have the First Evil and not a First Good of some kind. I'd give you the logical argument, but that's not the point. The point is that I'm treating the First as the S3 episode Amends treated the First—like some ghost that could be chased away by some fast talk and the light of day. I'm ignoring the rest of S7 canon pretty much. Oh, and the title is taken from a Christina Rossetti poem I thought was appropriate.
Rating: PG-13
"No more be grieved at that which thou hast done:/Roses have thorns, and silver fountains mud./Clouds and eclipses stain both moon and sun,/And loathsome canker lives in sweetest bud./All men make faults, and even I in this,/Authorizing they trespass with compare,/ Myself corrupting, salving thy amiss..." William Shakespeare, Sonnet 35
"So how's William doing?" Xander asked idly.
The spider demon hadn't been that much trouble to dispatch. Buffy had gotten scratched up, but the wounds weren't serious, and no one had been hurt. One well-placed ax had the demon plummeting from the trees, and that had been that.
Buffy blinked. "Huh?"
"William," Xander repeated patiently. "How's he doing?"
She frowned. "Why?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. I thought I'd make small talk, and he is staying with you. After what Spike did—"
"Spike didn't do anything, Xander," Buffy said sharply. "I think we've gone over this."
Xander scowled. "I saw—"
"You didn't see anything." Buffy cut him off again. "We fought, things happened, but I kicked him across the room before he did anything."
Her friend shook his head stubbornly. "Buffy, Spike is bad news."
"Spike is my responsibility now," she said firmly. "He got his soul for me, and now the First is tormenting him."
"But that's what the spell was for, right?" Xander asked. "I mean, you got Willow to do that spell to protect him."
She sighed. "It's working the way it was supposed to, but it doesn't mean that the First can't mess with his head. You should have heard him screaming last night, Xander. I'm surprised the neighbors didn't call the cops."
Xander winced. "Poor guy."
"You almost sound sorry for him."
"I am, sorta," Xander replied. "I don't know, Buffy. I hated Spike. Still do, actually. The whole getting his soul thing, though, and now—he's not really Spike anymore. It's hard to know what to feel."
"Tell me about it," Buffy muttered. "Look, Xander, I know you'll probably be seeing more of him. Spike can hold his own, but William doesn't really know you."
Xander sighed. "You're telling me to go easy on him."
"Please?"
"Are you in love with him, Buffy?"
The Slayer knew where this was going, and she didn't want to start down that road. "Are you still in love with Anya?"
Xander's expression told her that he knew exactly what point she was trying to make. "Always. So are you?"
Buffy hesitated and then said, "Yeah. For a while now."
They walked the rest of the way to Revello Drive in silence.
~~~~~
Willow came through the front door with a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. It wasn't just Anya, either, although that played a role in it. The magic had nearly taken over again. She'd gone all dark on that girl, even though she hadn't done anything wrong. Who wouldn't have been wigging in her situation?
She wasn't nearly as in control as she'd thought.
" Willow ? Are you alright?"
William's brow was furrowed in concern, although his eyes widened when he realized that Willow was on the verge of tears. "Come sit down," he said, taking her arm in a solicitous manner and leading her into the kitchen. In a few moments, he had the kettle going for tea, and he was bustling around getting mugs and the cookies he and Dawn had made, giving Willow enough time to get herself under control.
"Thanks," she said softly as she sipped the mug of tea William placed in front of her.
He smiled kindly. "Would you care to tell me what troubles you?"
Maybe it was how he said it, maybe it was just the expression on William's face, but Willow gave a half-laugh, half-sob. "It's kind of a long story."
"We have some time before Buffy will be back."
William actually sounded firm, as though he wasn't going to take no for an answer, and Willow realized that he was good at this comforting thing. Was this pure William? Because Willow didn't remember Spike being this sympathetic.
Although, Buffy had mentioned spending a lot of time with him right after she was resurrected.
"I had this problem last year," Willow said slowly. "You know I did that spell?"
"For me?" William nodded. "Yes, you said you were a witch."
Willow nodded. "I had a problem with magic." She told him everything—about Amy, about losing Tara, about getting Tara back only to lose her again, even about trying to destroy the world. She was fairly certain that he understood only about half of what she was saying, but he didn't interrupt. "So today I lost it again," she finished. "I snapped at that girl, and—"
"You didn't harm her, did you?" William asked, stopping her for the first time.
Willow shook her head emphatically. "No, but—"
"And you protected her from the demon."
"Well, yes, but—"
"And you regained control of yourself."
Willow stared at him. "You're making me feel better about this," she accused.
"Would you rather wallow in guilt?"
This was said in a completely bland tone of voice as though he was asking whether she preferred milk and sugar in her tea, and Willow suddenly realized exactly what he had done for her. "No, probably not, since Buffy is going to need me."
"This Anya person is one of her friends, I take it," William commented. "But she's a demon?"
"That's a really long story too," Willow said, just as the front door opened again. "And we don't have time for that one." She reached out quickly, grabbing William's hand before they were interrupted and had to deal with this new emergency. "Thanks for listening. It helped a lot."
"I'm glad I could be of service," William said softly. "Do you—" He threw a furtive look at the doorway as Buffy called out for Willow . "Do you think we might be friends?"
"Absolutely," Willow said as Buffy and Xander came spilling into the kitchen. "We already are."
~~~~~
"I don't believe it," Xander muttered as Willow finished her tale. The Anya he knew wouldn't have killed a dozen fraternity boys, no matter what they had done.
What he didn't realize was that his Anya didn't really exist anymore, if she ever had.
Willow winced. "I couldn't really believe it either, Xander, but it's the truth."
"Why didn't you tell us before now?" he demanded. "Before we went after it?"
"She couldn't," Buffy quietly asserted.
Xander's head spun to look at her. "Why not?"
"Because she knows what I have to do. I have to kill Anya."
The words fell into the silence of the room. Dawn was quiet, as she had been for the entire speech, her arms wrapped around herself. She'd come down right after Xander and Buffy had returned, and William could tell by the expression on her face that she knew exactly what was coming. He didn't want to disturb the occupants of the room; this seemed a private matter that he had no part in. Something in Dawn's expression tugged at him, though, and he moved to go to her.
It might have been a mistake.
"You can't!" Xander protested. "Buffy, this is Anya!"
"And Anya is a demon, Xander. She killed a dozen kids."
"So you're going to kill her when you have a murderer and a rapist living in your house?"
William froze, knowing exactly whom Xander was referring to. Dawn was suddenly at his side. "Leave William out of this, Xander."
"This isn't about William, this is about Spike," the man insisted. He turned to look at Buffy. "What is it, Buffy? Demons are bad as long as you aren't sleeping with them? You know how I feel about her!"
"She made her choice, Xander!" Buffy shot back. "Anya chose to become a demon again, knowing what it meant. She chose to kill those boys. Don't pretend like this is easy for me!"
Xander stood, anger radiating from his frame. "I know what this is, Buffy. You're the Chosen One, so you get to choose who lives and who dies. You're the law, and we don't count."
"That's right, Xander," Buffy replied, a quiet rage in her voice. "I am the Slayer, which means when the tough decisions have to be made, I'm the one who makes them. Do you think I like that part of the job description? Do you think I like the thought of killing Anya? If there was any other way, I would take it, but there isn't."
"There has to be," he shot back.
She sighed. "Then please find it."
He stormed out, but the damage had already been done. William was still standing, frozen by the epithets Xander had used. Not that he hadn't known on some level that it was true, but to have it spoken so bluntly, so harshly, put it in another light entirely.
Buffy looked over at him for the first time, and her expression changed from resolve to concern. "William, I—" She sighed. "I don't have time for this now. I have to go find Anya, and—do something." Buffy went to the weapons chest and pulled out a sword. "Stay here, and don't—don't do anything stupid."
"I'll stay with him, Buffy," Dawn said.
"Thanks," Buffy replied, looking over at Willow , who shook her head. "I'm sorry, Buffy. I can't."
Buffy merely nodded her understanding and headed out the door.
Her departure seemed to unlock something inside William. "I-I have to go."
"William, I think you should stay here," Dawn insisted.
He shook his head. "Just to the basement. I have to—I need some time—to think."
Willow had come over to stand next to him. "Are you sure? If you want to talk..."
"I'll be fine," he insisted with a sickly smile. "Thank you."
He fled, leaving Dawn and Willow to stare after him. "This isn't good," Dawn muttered.
Willow sighed. "No, it's not, but I think I have something that will help Buffy anyway."
"She needs all the help she can get," Dawn replied. "If she has to kill Anya, she's never going to forgive herself."
~~~~~
William paced the basement restlessly, trying outrun the thoughts flying through his head. The images from the nightmare he'd had the night before kept intruding, and he knew they were all real. That had been him. He had done those horrible things, and he had loved every minute of it.
He had hurt the girl.
"Oh, please, William, did you really think it would work?"
He whirled to see Buffy standing before him, hands on her hips, an amused smirk on her face. "I-I don't understand."
"I-I-I," she mocked. "Cat got your tongue, William? You're pathetic."
"You're not real," he said desperately. Buffy hadn't been this cruel to him. Even when he'd burned himself, she had been angry and rough, but not cruel.
Buffy smiled. "You wish. Come on, did you really think you have what it takes to get me to love you? You're a nobody , a wimp. I need someone strong. Like Spike."
William's unneeded breath hissed out of him in a gasp. "No, you said—"
"And you believed me?" Buffy asked. "The problem with you, William, is that you'll believe anything a pretty girl tells you, because of course she wouldn't lie . The truth is , I didn't want to hurt your feelings, because you're so sensitive. There's no telling what you would do, and then I'd have to live with the guilt. The truth is , Spike wasn't the one for me either. Oh, he tried, but he still had too much of you in him."
She advanced on him step by step with every word she spoke, William retreating until his back was against the wall. "You're a spineless waste of space. I should have killed Spike for what he did to me, and I should kill you because you're not worth keeping around. Maybe one of these days I'll finally put you out of your misery."
William didn't even see her leave. He was trying too hard not to cry.
~~~~~
Everything had happened so quickly, Xander hadn't even had time to take it all in. One minute he was being told that Anya had killed a dozen young men, the next he was going after her in a vain attempt to prevent Buffy from killing her.
Then Buffy was there and she and Anya were fighting—and Xander had never realized how scary Anya could be as a demon—and D'Hoffryn was there, and the demon that had ruined Buffy's birthday party last year—
Then it was all over, and Anya was human again.
Xander had to admit that he had believed that everything would be better if he could just convince Anya to stop being a vengeance demon. If she was human again, he might be able to convince her that he really did love her, and that leaving her at the altar had been a big mistake.
If she was human again, they might be able to go back to the way things had been.
"Anya, wait!" he called as she left. Xander knew that she was grieving. Halfrek had been her friend, and Xander felt badly that she had died, even though he was overwhelmingly grateful that it hadn't been Anya.
When he'd heard her desire to reverse the vengeance spell, when she'd wholeheartedly agreed to D'Hoffryn's demands for an exchange of lives, thinking it would be hers—it had nearly ripped his heart out.
"What do you want, Xander?" she asked sounding infinitely tired.
Xander swallowed. "You shouldn't be alone right now."
"No, I really should," Anya replied quietly. "I need to be alone, Xander. I don't even know who I am."
He hesitated and nodded. "Look, if you need me—"
"I know where to find you," she replied. "Thanks."
She started walking again, leaving Xander to stare after her helplessly. He wanted to go after her, to tell her that he still loved her, that she was still Anya.
And sometimes, he knew, you had to let a person go and find their own way.
~~~~~
Buffy entered the house, weighed down with emotion. It had been a long day. From the innocent delights of spending the day with William to nearly having to kill one of her friends—talk about a rollercoaster.
The Slayer was getting really tired of keeping her friends from going evil. Next time one of them went off the deep end, she was opting out.
"William?" she called, wondering where he was. She had seen his face and knew that Xander's words had cut him to the quick. "William?"
"I think he's still in the basement," Dawn called from her seat on the couch. "He said he wanted some time alone, and he hasn't come back upstairs yet."
Buffy nodded. "Where's Willow ?"
"Upstairs." Dawn made a wry face. "I think she was pretty shaken up by the whole thing too. Willow said she was going to try something to help you. Did it work?"
"In a way," Buffy replied. "D'Hoffryn showed up and turned Anya human again, but not before he killed one of her demon-friends. You know, the one behind the never-ending party?"
Dawn wrinkled her nose. "Hallie? He killed her?"
"As the price for undoing the spell," Buffy said. "To be fair, Anya thought he was going to kill her."
Dawn sighed. "Poor Anya. Not that I'm all that sorry about Hallie, but that sucks."
"Pretty much," Buffy agreed. "I'm going to talk to William. Xander shook him up pretty good."
"What Xander said," Dawn began. "I mean, I know this is William, but—"
Buffy winced. "I know we need to talk about this, Dawn, but I don't really have time right now. Can I meet you for lunch tomorrow?"
Dawn nodded. "But you'll explain then?"
"I promise," Buffy replied, heading off for the basement stairs. She didn't see him at first, and she turned on the basement light to give a little more illumination. "William?"
"Go away."
"I'm not going to go away," Buffy replied. "Look, what Xander said—"
"Was true, you already told me." She wasn't sure what to make of his tone, which seemed a cross between misery and anger. "Go away."
"No, William. We need to—"
"Talk?" he demanded. "How can you stand there and—and look at me like that after—" He broke off. William had stood to meet her, and now he turned his back on her.
Buffy, for her part, was confused. She had no idea what had happened to cause him to be this upset with her. After all, she wasn't the one who had made those comments, and he had seemed to enjoy her company earlier in the day.
There was a part of her that wanted to say "fine," and turn and walk back up the stairs, leaving him to his moping, or whatever this was. There was another part of her that wanted to fix the problem. "After what, William?"
"After what you said!" he cried out, whirling to face her again.
Buffy frowned, confused. "After I said what? I don't know what you're talking about."
"You said—you said I was—" He couldn't even repeat it.
Buffy stared at him, still trying to figure out what he was saying. "William, when was this?"
His eyes expressed his feeling of betrayal. "Earlier, after you left. You came back, and—"
"I didn't come back, William," Buffy said. "I just got back not five minutes ago." Understanding dawned. "Did this other Buffy touch you?"
He shook his head, obviously now more confused than angry. "No, but—"
"Remember when I said something was haunting you?" she asked. "That's what this was. It wasn't me." Buffy moved forward to take his hand. "I told you that I loved you. I meant it."
William stared at their joined hands. "But—you—she told me—"
"I don't know what she told you, but it was a lie," Buffy said forcefully. "If something like that happens again, I want you to try touching whoever it is, okay? The First is incorporeal, so if you can't touch it, it's not real."
William frowned. "I cannot go around touching everyone," he objected. "It's not polite."
Buffy smiled. "I think I'm probably the only one you really have to worry about," she replied. "The First can only take on the appearance of dead people."
"You're not dead," William said, still looking at their linked hands.
"No, but I was for a while. Remember when I told you I was gone for a summer, and Spike—you looked after Dawn?" When he nodded, she continued. "Well, I was dead. Willow brought me back."
"So if something like this happens again, I'm to—" he broke off.
"Whatever you like," Buffy said softly. "Although this is nice. We could just hold hands any time we're together. That should do it."
A shy smile crept over his face. "Then you really did mean it?" he asked. "Earlier today, when you—"
She kissed him tenderly. "I meant every word. The First is going to keep trying to get to you, William," she warned. "You have to be strong."
"I told you I'm not a strong man, Buffy," he replied.
"You're stronger than you realize."
They held each other for a long time after that.
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