Corruption by dampersandspoons

Chapter 12: Sepulchre

He didn’t know how long she’d held him, how long she’d wept with him on the hotel room floor, but he was grateful for it. Grateful that in this state, there was someone to hear his plea, because he was certain after the meeting he’d had with Father Wesley that God decided not to listen to him any longer. He’d clung to her like a lifeline as his anguish took over and she clung in return, either to keep him anchored or to suffer along with him, he wasn’t sure. But he panicked when his tears subsided and she removed herself from his grasp, leaving him alone on the floor. A few moments later, she’d returned, her face clear of makeup and her body hidden in a white robe. She held out her hands and when he grabbed them, she pulled him up off the floor.

She led him to the bathroom wordlessly and began removing his clothes. His body tensed for a moment before the aroma of bath oils assaulted his nose and he realized she meant only to soothe him, not revert to some sordid defense mechanism that she’d foolishly thought he’d needed. Once he was naked, she sat him on the edge of the tub and she stepped in, removing her bathrobe before settling down in the hot, bubbly water. He sat silently, watching as she dipped a large sponge into the water and began cleaning his legs. William was about to stop her, but she seemed focused on her task. He allowed himself to relax, allowed himself to close his eyes for a moment as the warm water ran down his thighs and her soft hands smoothed the bubbles away from his skin.

“If you start dippin’ your hair in oil an’ washing my feet with it, I’m going to be frightened. An’ you don’t look like a Mary.” His lame attempt at joking wasn’t lost on her when she smiled at him, continuing to wash his limbs as he sat on the edge of the large garden tub.

“You’re not due for crucifixion today, William,” she said softly, though her smile had failed to reach her eyes. She stared absently at his stomach as she continued to bathe him when she said, “Will it ever get better?”

His eyes opened then and sadness crept over him. She looked so old, then, so much older than her eighteen years. “I don’t know,” he said honestly.

Buffy’s brow furrowed and she bit the corner of her lip, her hand that held the sponge poised in the air for a moment before dipping beneath the surface again. “How was church?” she asked, dragging the sponge down his chest.

He gently grabbed her wrists to halt her ministrations. “Don’t do that.”

“What?” she asked in confusion, staring up at him.

“Don’t ask me about my day as if there isn’t somethin’ bothering you.”

When she merely blinked and looked away, he slid into the tub, facing her, and took the sponge out of her hand, setting it on the ledge.

“You were gone for a long time,” she finally said, uncomfortable with him staring silently at her.

“I’m sorry.”

Her shoulders rose as she wrapped her arms around herself. “I don’t mean when you left. Not just when you left.”

William tilted his head, studying her expression. She reached for the sponge again and started washing his shoulders. He didn’t stop her this time. “What do you mean, then?”

“You were here with me yesterday. In the shower, at lunch, at the movies. I could see you then.”

He looked at her in awe, suddenly struck with the knowledge that she was far more perceptive to his emotions than he’d given her credit for. “I don’t know why, Buffy.” She cocked an eyebrow and he laughed quietly. “I guess that’s not entirely true. Hand me that,” he said, taking the sponge from her. He soaked up a healthy amount of water and began washing her arms. “This is all very hard for me, Buffy. I don’ know what I’m supposed to do half the time, or what I’m feeling.”

“You said you loved me,” she said so quietly he barely heard, but the impact was just as harsh as if she’d screamed it at him. He couldn’t ignore it now.

“I did.” He’d neglected the sponge and grabbed a bar of soap, lathering it in his hands before he placed both her hands on his shoulders and started to massage her flesh with his soapy fingers.

“Do you love me, William?” Her green eyes locked with his, holding him in place until he answered her. His hands were moving of their own accord now, caressing her shoulders, her back, her arms and chest.

“Yes.”

She swallowed and dropped her hands in the water. William sat still for a moment, waiting for her reaction. She wasn’t looking at him anymore and he started to worry. But then her eyes were on his again and she spoke. “If you love me, then why were you crying? Why did you leave this morning?”

“Because I’d made a mistake.” Her chin started to quiver and he felt her pulling away. He quickly grabbed her shoulders and forced her to look at him. “Listen to me, please, Buffy.” She wiped at her eyes and sighed, unable to look at him but he could tell she wouldn’t budge. “My mistake wasn’ with you, though I guess that remains to be seen by the Diocese,” he trailed off in his own thoughts before he continued. “I love you. I love you so much it scares me to death because I can’t fathom what kind of future we’ll ever have. An’ before you leave,” he said grabbing her arm as she tried to stand, “let me finish.”

“I can’t deal with this right now,” she said weakly, fresh tears rimming her eyes.

William took her hand and raised it to his mouth, dropping a kiss into her palm. “Please, Buffy. I need to tell you this. Can you do that for me? Can you hear me out?”

She sat back down in the tub, sniffling. “Ok.”

“Thank you.”  He smiled, and took her hands in his. “As much as this frightens me, as much as I can’t imagine what will happen between us, it’s nothing compared to the fear of bein’ without you.”

She stared at him for several moments, her chest rising and falling with hard breaths. “Really?”

“Yes, really.” One corner of his mouth lifted into a shy smile and he brushed her hair back behind her shoulders and then cupped her face, watching his thumbs as they grazed across her cheeks. “Buffy, I don’t know why this is happening to us or what’s gonna to happen tomorrow. All I know is that for the first time in my life, I’ve started to feel something other than regret and loneliness.” One wet hand smoothed down the back of her head. “I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you or confused you, but I’ve been just as confused, I promise.”

“I don’t know how to act around you, William. One minute you’re happy and flirty, and even funny and then the next minute you’re completely shut off and almost resentful. I don’t know how to reach you when you’re so far away or if you even want me to.”

“Is that why you were dressed like that when I came home?”

“I thought that,” she sighed, “when we’re having sex, I know how to act. I know what to do and you seem happy then.”

William didn’t want to cry again and he felt the familiar tightness in his chest so he quickly pulled her against him and rested his head atop hers. “You don’t have to do that, ever. I don’t love you because we have fantastic sex. I love you because of who you are and what I see inside you. I love you because you made me see myself for the first time. You opened up a chapter of my life that I hadn’t even known I’d ever discover had you not been there to show it to me. I love you because I can’t help it, because I can’t breathe without you near me. All I want is this,” he said, kissing her brow as she settled into his lap.

“I’ve never done this before.”

He heard her timid, shaking voice and knew she was crying so he held her tighter. “I haven’t either, Buffy.”

“No one’s ever…”  She sniffled and he tilted her head up to look at him.

“No one’s ever what, luv?”

“No one’s ever said they love me before. Not even my parents.”

His heart broke when he saw the despair shining in her now red eyes. “Oh, Buffy…”

“So you see, when I say that I’ve never done this before, I mean all of it. They never touched me unless it was to drag me somewhere, never said a kind word to me,” she started sobbing though she pressed on. “Every man I’ve ever been with left the next day and I’ve never had a relationship with anyone, or known what it means to be in love with someone. Do you realize that yesterday, when you held my hand outside the movie theater…that it was only the second time a guy has ever done that with me?”

William shook his head, letting out a shuddering sigh as he wiped at his eyes.

“That meant more to me than you’ll ever know. The simple fact that you chose to hold my hand…”

William cut her off by pressing his lips against hers. How could anyone be around her and not want to touch her? How could her own parents deprive her of one of the most important things in life, their touch? How long had she gone without it? Surely she had teachers or relatives who showed affection, right? If that wasn’t the case, then his heart simply shattered for her and he would never deny her such a simple gesture ever again. William was starting to have a very strong and violent urge to track down her parents and send them on a short trip to Hell.

He kissed her cheeks and then her neck before cradling her head against his chest once more. “How…how could your own parents…”

Her fingers dug into his shoulder blades, relishing the feel of him against her, soaking up the strength he lent her. “Because they’re assholes.”

William’s eyes flew open and then he started chuckling, kissing her head and rocking her from side to side. “Yeah, they are, pet.”

“I’m sorry I’m so fucked up.”

He pulled away and she almost gasped at the anger in his eyes. “You are not fucked up, Buffy. Don’t you ever say that! None of this is your fault, do you hear me?”

She looked at him with wide eyes and could only nod. “Ok.”

His expression lightened a bit when he saw the effect his anger had on her. “I’m sorry…I just…you’re not fucked up, Buffy. You’ve just been unfortunate but you’re strong enough to move on from it, I know you are. And when you aren’t strong enough…I’ll be there to help you.”

She smiled gratefully and kissed him on the cheek. “Does this mean you aren’t going anywhere?”

He tucked her hair behind her ears and smiled. “Not if I can help it, no. But Buffy, things aren’t going to be easy once this vacation is over.”

“I know.”

“Especially since I won’t be at St. Mary’s with you.”

“What?” She pushed against his chest and stared at him dubiously. “You’re…you’re leaving?”

“What else can I do, Buffy?” He watched her stand up and get out of the tub, grabbing a towel.

She started drying herself off angrily. “Not leave! That’s what you can do!”

He turned his head away, blinking rapidly as his mouth opened to say something. “But I thought that’s what you would want…”

“Well, I guess you just learned the grand lesson of assumptions because the last thing I want is for you to leave.”

William got out of the tub and dried off, following her after she’d stormed out of the bathroom. “Buffy, talk to me! What do you want me to do here?”

“I want you to want to be with me, that’s what I want.”

“Have you gone sodding crazy? Are you not listening to what I’m saying here? I’m basically divorcing God for you! I’m giving up everythin’ I’ve ever known, everythin’ I’ve ever believed in to be with you!”

“How am I supposed to see you when you’re gone, William? How am I supposed to have any kind of relationship with you when I’m stuck in that fucking school?”

William wrapped his towel around his waist and sighed, trying desperately to calm himself down. “This is the only way for us to work, Buffy. If I stay, I could be facin’ jail time for consorting with a student sexually, not to mention excommunication. Then there’s the little matter of your reputation, or being shipped off to another school once your parents are contacted that a priest was shagging their daughter! Don’t you get it? The only way for this to work is if I go to the Diocese and request a leave of absence to live as a layman. It’s the only way that I won’ be completely shunned from the church and once my absence is over and I’m due for review, I can request to be released from my commitment to God.”

“What makes you so sure that anyone would find out about us?”

William tilted his head and licked his lips. “Are you serious?”

“Yes,” she said, crossing her arms and looking at the wall.

“Buffy…if we keep goin’ like this, someone is bound to find out and then things will be a hell of a lot worse for us than they are now.”

“Where will you go? Where will you stay?”

William sat down on the bed and waited for her to sit beside him. Once she did, even though she refused to look at him, he answered her. “There is a school south of here looking for an English teacher…some town called Sunnydale. Apparently, they lost a teacher due to an illness and need the position filled right away. I’ll have the semester to be brought on for a trial period, and then they will decide if they want to hire me on for the following year.” He held her hand.

“And you just figured all of this out today?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for two years now. It just so happens that today I found a solution.” She slouched a bit, letting those words sink in, though his admittance that he’d been thinking of her since she arrived at St. Mary’s didn’t have the same punch to it that it would had he told her this under different circumstances. “You only have one semester of school left, Buffy, and then when you graduate, we can decide what’s best for us.”

“That’s five whole months, William. I don’t think I can last that long.”

“You can come to see me during spring break and three-day weekends. I’ll pay for the bus fare and everything.”

Buffy narrowed her eyes and snorted. “Gee, thanks.”

“Hey,” he said firmly, pulling her chin up to look at him. “I’m not leaving you, Buffy. I’m not. I’m doing this so that we can be together. I’m tellin’ you…this is not easy for me. Not one bit.” William searched her eyes for answers, since her mouth wasn’t very forthcoming. “Do you…want to be with me? Is this something you take seriously? Because I’m putting a lot on the line here.”

“Yes,” she said honestly. “I want to be with you and…since you’re willing to sacrifice so much…I think I can…I think I can wait a little longer to be with you.” He sighed in relief. “But do you have to go to the Diocese right away?”

“No. But I will have to confront them before this vacation is over. I want them to have plenty of time to find a replacement for me at the school. I’ll go after New Year’s.”

“What a resolution, huh?”

He laughed quietly and traced her lower lip with his thumb. “Yeah, I guess it is.” He kissed her chastely and pulled her against his chest, mindlessly stroking her hair. “We’re going to be ok, kitten. I promise.”

She nuzzled against him and knew that those words of comfort were just as scary to him as they were to her. Nothing had ever been ok, why would this be any different?

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