Victims of Fate by ya_lublyu_tebya

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Chapter 37: Insecurities

It became a ritual after that: every day, after her mother had left for work, she would sneak into his room and they would lie on his bed together - kissing, talking, dozing. She knew what they were doing was dangerous – if it wasn’t why were they hiding it? – but she couldn’t stop. She needed him close; she needed him. Somehow, they had managed to avoid temptation so far, never going any further than kisses, but she knew from bitter experience that one day, it would be too hard to resist anymore.

Until that day came though, she thoroughly intended to spend every minute she could really getting to know this man who she had known in so many ways: as an enemy, as a friend, now as something more. They were closer than ever and she was in constant fear that her mother would realise just how close they were – but she seemed oblivious, merely expressing her happiness to see them friendly again. They were careful too, making sure never to show their affection in anything more than a platonic way in view of others. It was devious, yes, but she was not going to give this up for anything.

After the hell she had gone through, she reckoned she surely deserved a little TLC and when it came in the form of a gorgeous blonde vampire, who was she to complain? It was enough – just to be able to hold him, kiss him. To share a bond with him she couldn’t remember having with anyone else before. It wasn’t perfect, but it was about as close to perfect as her life was ever going to get, she was sure.



With a smile, she looked down at the vampire happily dozing with his head resting against her stomach and raised a hand to brush her fingers over his tightly-restrained curls. Despite her many protestations to the contrary, he was still convinced they made him look like a ‘ponce’. But she didn’t mind anyway: she had her own ways of working those curls free, and the purr-like sounds that rumbled through his chest now were testament to the fact that she was able to do so without protest on his past.

“I think you were a cat in a past life,” she teased quietly, smiling as he growled at her lowly, “Okay, maybe a dog.”

He nipped at her stomach but then returned to his position, making a little hum of pleasure. She smiled too, closing her eyes and resting her head back against the pillows as his hand slipped just under her top, resting against her warm skin.

“You’re so warm,” he murmured, his voice muffled against her stomach.

“Just for you,” she whispered and she felt him smile against her.

Suddenly he shifted upwards, resting beside her and leaning over to press a gentle kiss to her lips.

“What was that for?” she asked with a smile, raising her hand to his face.

“S’been too long already.”

“Like five minutes,” she teased and he grinned, leaning down to press a kiss to her nose.

“Definitely too long.”

He kissed her again, mouth moving expertly against hers, tongue teasing her – but as always he pulled away before either of them could get too worked up. She had to admit, she was impressed with his self-control.



He settled beside her and she smiled, rubbing her head against him, tilting it back so she could see his face. He had closed his eyes and was running his fingers over her collarbone absently, a soft smile playing across his lips.

“Look at you, all blissed out.”

He smiled again and nodded.

“I’m so… perfectly happy right now,” he murmured lazily and she froze up. When he cracked an eye open, she narrowed her eyes at him and frowned.

“That’s really not funny.”

She started to roll away, but he caught her arm.

“Buffy, love, I’m sorry. Was only playing.”

Pouting slightly, she rolled onto her front, meeting his contrite gaze.

“I don’t know what I’d do if I did lose you like that,” she whispered, suddenly turning serious.

“Well, first of all, you wouldn’t lose me.”

“Spike-“

“Told you before, I’m me. Always have been, with the soul or without.”

“You honestly trying to tell me we’d be here if you didn’t have a soul?”

“Never know what fate brings.”

“So far, fate has not been bringing me puppies and kittens so I’m holding back the joy parade.”

He smiled and brushed a hand over her hair, smoothing it down over her back.

“Know it’s hard for you to believe this, love, but the soul makes no difference to me. I would lo- care about you even without it.”

She sighed, the mood turned sombre, and turned over to rest her head against his shoulder, her brows knitted in a frown.

“But it’s never gonna happen, kitten. We’re both too clever for that, yeah?” he soothed, rubbing a hand over her arm.

“I really hope so,” she whispered, burying her head against him, signalling that she didn’t want to continue this conversation. He complied and they fell into a companionable silence, wrapped up in each other’s arms.



They fell asleep and dozed for a while and when she woke, her stomach was growling for lunch. When Spike started to accompany her with his own hungry growl, she took the hint and with a laugh, reluctantly left the bed to fix some lunch for both of them. After they had eaten, they returned to the bedroom – it was the only place they dared to be together – and lay down facing each other on the bed.

“Spike?” she started, tracing a hand over his chest.

“Hmm?”

“Tell me something about you. Something no-one else knows.”

He raised a scarred eyebrow but when she raised pleading eyes to him, she saw him succumb almost instantly.

“Let me think…”

When he had still said nothing after a few minutes, she nudged him.

“Spike…”

He scowled at her but when she smiled, he softened, running his hand over her back.

“Well, you see this scar?” he asked, holding out his right arm and showing her a long thin scar on the underside, “Got it when I fell out off a horse. I was twelve.”

She smiled, raising a finger to his arm and tracing the scar.

“I can’t imagine you as a twelve-year-old.”

“I can imagine you. Little Goldilocks with all the boys wrapped around her little finger.”

She laughed and swatted him, resting her head against his chest.



“Tell me something else. Something big,” she whispered.

“Didn’t realise this was sharing time.”

“I want to know you as well as you know me,” she murmured, “And you’ve got a lot more years for me to learn about.”

He sighed but drew her close, pressing a kiss to her forehead. He hesitated for a moment longer, before finally speaking up.

“The night I was turned… I was at a party. And I decided it was the perfect opportunity to declare my love for this girl.”

“Was she pretty?” she couldn’t help asking and he chuckled against her.

“I thought she was. But then, I did have to wear glasses so maybe I was wrong.”

She smiled, curling up against him, feeling the low rumble of his voice as he continued.

“Well, let’s just say things didn’t go too well.”

“What happened?”

“Made a fool of myself, that’s what happened. She just looked down her stupid snooty little nose at me,” he explained bitterly, adding as an afterthought: “Bitch.”

She hugged him tighter, as if she could take away that old pain.

“I thought Dru was my salvation,” he continued in a low voice, “Little did I know it was out of the frying pan, into the fire.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was never good enough for Dru. As long as I wasn’t her precious Daddy…” he sighed and drew her close, burying his head against her, “But that’s old history. Let’s just forget it.”

She couldn’t forget though – she remembered the words he had said when this secret relationship had started: he had said he wanted to be good enough for her. She got the feeling it was an old insecurity and with his words now, she knew she was right. She pushed herself up to look at him, saw the shy uncertainty in his face and smiled softly.

“You’re more than good enough for me, Spike,” she whispered, leaning forward to brush her lips over his, “Hear me?”

He said nothing in reply but his hands twined in her hair and he kissed her hard, trembling, his mouth claiming her as his own. Something she was only too glad to succumb to.

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