A Loss of Pride by Mabel Marsters

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Chapter 22: It’s Good To Talk…

The thing is, the Shanshu Prophecy,” said Angel, “basically made your heart beat again and stripped you of your immortality but that’s all.”

Buffy and Spike stared at him.

“What do you mean, ‘that’s all’? Isn’t that enough?” said Spike.

“What I mean is that it didn’t ‘return’ you to human form. It sort of made a new human from the template of the vampire you were.”

Buffy and Spike glanced at each other.

“Am I supposed to understand this?” asked Buffy.

“I dunno, pet, but I sure as hell don’t and it’s me that he’s talking about,” said Spike, “Cliff notes version, mate.”

“Okay,” said Angel with a smile, “You’re neither wholly human nor obviously a vampire. You will have retained most of your vampiric enhancements but…”

“But I wasn’t as strong, nowhere near as strong, otherwise I wouldn’t be…er…I would’ve beaten the Polgaras.”

“But,” emphasised Angel, “you will need to learn how to access them fully. Kind of like when you were a fledge. You didn’t have enough time to learn about them before you got speared.”

“Oh,” said Spike, looking down and feeling a bit sick. He’d gone and gotten himself paralysed when he could still have been strong, could still have been useful.

Buffy could read Spike like a book and glared at Angel. Just what Spike didn’t need – his nose rubbing in it.

Angel could read Buffy’s glare like a book. “I’m not just talking about his strength.”

Spike’s head whipped up. Angel met his eye and gave a slight nod.

“His vampiric healing is there too - a bit weaker perhaps, harder to access, but it is definitely there.”

“Oh Christ,” whispered Spike, “So maybe I …” He couldn’t continue.

“From what Willow and Giles told me, there is no ‘maybe’ about it. You will heal. They’re not sure how long it will take or whether you’ll get back to totally one hundred percent like you would if you were still a vampire. But they are positive that you will walk again.”

Spike spun his chair round and went out to the door into the garden as quickly as he could, cursing as he grazed his knuckles on the doorframe in his haste. Buffy rose to go after him but Angel caught her arm.

“Leave him be, Buffy,” he cautioned quietly.

She sat back in her chair with a thud, “Oh God, Angel, is it really true? Will he get better?” Tears brimmed in her eyes.

“It’s true, but it’s not going to happen overnight. Hopefully it’ll help him forgive the fact that he effectively put himself in that chair. It’s probably going to be tough for him, for you both.” He stood up. “Look I’m going to go, okay? Leave you two alone.”

Buffy rose with him and put her arms around him, hugging him tightly. He held her close for a moment before letting her go and leaving. Buffy sat back down and waited for Spike to come back, resisting the urge to go and find him, knowing that he needed the space.

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Spike pushed the chair as hard as he could across the lawns until his arms started to burn and his breath came in ragged gasps. He finally stopped and leant forwards, putting his head in his hands.

“Stupid bastard,” he mumbled.

His mind was racing, not focussing on the fact that he would heal but on how he’d been too bloody pig-headed to find out about what he was before he’d tried to commit suicide by Polgara. The research should have been done then.

“’S my fault. It’s all my own bleeding fault,” he roared.

God, he wanted to hit something. He raised his head and looked around him. He eyed a nearby tree and started to go towards it. He stopped, laughing a little hysterically.

“Good one, Spike. Bust your hand and you can’t push yourself around. Sod it!”

He put his head back in his hands and let the tears that had threatened since Angel told him fall. After about ten minutes he took a shuddering breath and pulled himself together.

“Better get on with the healing then,” he muttered as he started to roll slowly back to his room.

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Ten minutes after Angel had left there was a knock on the door and Moira walked in.

“Hello Buffy. Is Spike ready for his session?”

“Um, he’s just gone outside for a bit.”

“Problem?” asked Moira, in ‘shrink’ mode.

“No, not really. Angel just told him something and he needed a little time alone,” said Buffy, a bit too brightly in her effort to hide what they’d never be able to share with anyone at Rosedene.

“Mm,” said Moira, “I’ll wait for him here if that’s all right? I do need to see him today and this is my only available slot.”

“Okay,” said Buffy, hoping that Spike will have gotten himself together by the time he came back. “Shall we sit outside? It’s a lovely day.” She thought that if he saw Moira there with her he would be forewarned.

“Yes, lets. I spend far too much time indoors these days.”

The two women sat at the small table on the patio to the right of the door. Buffy looked out over the gardens and saw Spike making his way back. She waved at him and saw him pause before returning the wave. She knew that he’d seen Moira and so she relaxed a little.

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Spike paused as he saw Buffy wave. Shit. Moira was there with her. He’d forgotten about his scheduled session. He raised his hand to acknowledge Buffy and then ran it over his face, hoping that he didn’t look like he’d been weeping.

“Again,” he thought, that’s all he ever seemed to do these days. “Right, here we go then.” He pushed himself steadily towards them.

“Hi Moira. I’m sorry I forgot about our session,” he said when he got close enough.

“Probably on purpose, knowing you,” replied Moira with a smile.

Spike returned it, “Well, there is that.”

“I’ll go for a walk then,” said Buffy.

She put her hand on Spike’s shoulder as she passed him and he squeezed it briefly with his own. Their eyes met and his blue eyes looked clearer than she’d seen in a very long time.

“Thanks, pet.”

Spike turned his attention to Moira.

“Shall we go inside?”

She nodded. Once inside Spike spoke again.

“So am I going to have to lay on the couch then?”

Moira chuckled at the sarcasm his words dripped with. “I take it that you’re a little reluctant about this session?”

Spike shrugged, “Never been that big into self-reflection.”

“Really? Because it looks to me that reflecting too long and in a too negative manner is what prompted your actions.”

Spike stared at her. “Shit, she’s got a point.” All he’d done was focus on the past and wallow in the sense of loss that it brought him.

“Um,” said Spike decisively.

“So how are you feeling now?” prompted Moira, deciding that starting from now and working backwards would probably be the easiest.

Spike sighed. He really felt uncomfortable about it all. He wasn’t sure that he could give a plausible reason for how he felt without telling her the truth, and that would get him locked up in a mental institution in a flash.

“I think I’m gonna be okay,” he said quietly, looking off and avoiding her eye. He nodded a couple of times. “No, I’m sure that I’m gonna be okay.” His voice was a little stronger. “My head’s been all over the place for a long time but I think it’s just about straight now.”

After a long pause Moira decided a prompt was in order. “So when did everything start to go wrong for you?”

Spike glanced at her briefly before casting his mind back. “How far back should I go? When the soddin’ government put that chip in my head? When I fell in love with the Slayer – my mortal enemy? When she dumped me? When I tried to rape her?” He flinched at the memory of the assault. “When I got my soul back and felt crushed by the weight of the thousands of lives that I’d taken? Christ, the soddin’ list’s endless.” He realised that Moira was watching him closely and that he was taking too long to reply to her question. “Not too far back,” he decided, “When my last mission went wrong I guess and everyone thought that I was dead.”

“What mission was it?” Moira’s curiosity got the better of her.

“Can’t really say, love,” said Spike with a bit of a smile, “Top secret an’ all.”

She glanced at him sharply. Was he fooling with her?

Spike’s smile broadened, “I’m not lying. It’s just that me and Angel do, or did in my case,” He grimaced. “Some pretty unusual stuff to keep everybody safe, okay?”

Moira nodded. The two men were certainly different in some way to most she’d encountered. She smiled briefly as she recalled Angel joining her for lunch.

“Well, Angel found me but I was…?” “Okay, can’t say a ghost so what do I say?” “…hurt and had to stay with him. I’d sort of been seeing Buffy before this but she’d moved to Italy and moved on, or so I thought.” “Must ask her what she was doing with that git, the Immortal.” “So I stayed in LA and worked from there and didn’t let her know that I was alive.”

Spike restlessly rolled his wheelchair backwards and forwards a few inches – his version of pacing. “Now it gets complicated. What the fuck do I say? The truth ain’t an option.”

“Er…anyway…I learned something after we’d been on a mission that we’d just about survived – I can’t say what, Moira, so don’t push it, okay?” He glanced at her, waiting for her to nod before continuing. “It weighed heavy on me. It was something that I would have given anything for a year ago but when it happened I didn’t want it and was pretty stupid about it. I got reckless with the job and got myself hurt and here I am.” “Christ, I hope that does the bleeding trick.”

“Angel told me that you went looking for a fight that you couldn’t win?”

“Cheers, Peaches.” “Yeah, well maybe I did,” he muttered, a touch grumpily.

Moira got the feeling that there was a lot more to Spike’s history than he was telling. “And then you saved your pills and tried again.”

She noticed him stiffen and close his eyes at her words, so she waited to see if he’d respond.

“Yeah, I know that it looks bad, Moira, but I won’t be going down that route again,” he said firmly, “I was weak is all and, to be honest, scared.” He paused, eyes downcast.

“Of what?” asked Moira gently.

“Of the future. I still am a bit but with Buffy by my side I can’t quit now. It’d hurt her too much and I never want to hurt her again.”

He glanced up at Moira, meeting her gaze and she saw that for the first time in the session that Spike was giving her the whole truth.

“I know that it must be difficult for you, Spike, as you led such an active life but your life isn’t over by any means. You have a beautiful girlfriend who quite clearly adores you and a close friend who is doing the best that he can for you. You’ll have to learn to lean on people a little. Let them be there for you and help you if need be. None of us do very well alone whether we have a disability or not. If the walls start to close in on you again, please just come and talk to me. I can be a friend or a psychiatrist, or both. Seeking help when you need it isn’t a sign of weakness, Spike, it’s actually a sign of strength.”

Spike smiled at her gratefully. It was stupid not to ask for help. “Thanks Moira.”

“Well, I’ll go now,” said Moira, standing up, “I’ll come and see you at the same time next week.”

“But…” started Spike.

Moira laughed softly, “Oh no, you don’t get off so lightly, not after what you did. You never know, you might actually find out that it’s good to talk.”

“Okay, so I guess I’ll see you next week then.”

“If you want to talk to me before then just call Reception,” added Moira as she left.

Spike waited until the door closed behind her before he turned his chair around and went out into the garden to see if he could find Buffy.

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