Love and Death Embrace by Addie Logan

Summary: Once, William Pratt was a quiet poet, madly in love with his wife, Drusilla. Now, Spike is a loner, hunting in the night for the monster who took her away. He is focused on vengeance, making no room for anything else in his life – until his plan to get his revenge takes a turn he never could have predicted.

Author's Notes: Parts of this fic get very dark. There’s angst, there’s violence, there’s stuff that’s not altogether happy. It’s not all angst, but there is a good bit, especially in certain parts. If at any point it gets to be two much for you, you can do one of two things: stop reading, hold your breath and hope it gets better, or email me and ask me to answer any question you have about what’s coming up to see if it’s something you still want to read. (I’ll always answer those questions in private emails sent to addie_logan@yahoo.com. I will not answer them in a public forum like my livejournal or a review page. I don’t want to spoil the story for people who don’t want to know.)

However, what I ask you not to do is complain to me about things being too dark or tell me it’s too much for you. I have some readers who have problems with angst and some who don’t. I’m not going to shortchange the ones who do, or myself for that matter, because some people can’t take it. That’s not fair to anyone. So if you don’t like what I’m writing, then that’s your personal preference, and you’re free to read something else. I understand that, and I’m fine with it. I’m not fine with flame wars, nor am I fine with people harassing me, writing me threatening emails, or trash talking me around the internet. (And just so you know, I’m not paranoid – this has happened.)

So, to sum up – there is angst. If you like it, that’s cool, keep reading. If you don’t, that’s cool, too, you can quit reading. Or read with one eye covered. Or something. Just don’t flame me.

Chapter 11

Buffy woke up to the scent of blood. She opened her eyes to see Spike hovering over her, a mug in his hand. “Wake up and drink this, Buffy.”

She sat up, stretching groggily, but took the mug from him. At the first touch of it on her lips, her eyes bulged, and she pushed the mug back towards him. “This is human. I can’t drink this. You said I can’t…”

“I said you can’t kill anyone,” Spike said, pushing the mug back towards her. “Drink that.”

“No.”

“Bloody buggering hell, Buffy,” Spike snapped at her. “I’m not going to hurt you for drinking it. And I went through all the trouble to knock over a sodding hospital, so really, drink it before I get pissed off.”

“You…you stole blood from a hospital for me? Why?”

He gestured to the angry wounds still covering her body. “Because clearly, the animal blood isn’t doing you enough good. You need human. So drink it.”

Buffy took the mug back, though she eyed him warily as she sipped from it. It tasted so good she wanted to devour it, but the sudden change in his blood policy had her wary. “Is this ‘cause you’ve been getting me off? Because you don’t have to do anything differently just because…”

“Would you shut up and drink the damn blood?” Spike snapped. “Geez, stop being such a woman and overanalyzing every little thing I do.”

Buffy’s eyebrow arched. “I am a woman, Spike.”

“Just drink the damn blood.”

She sighed, but continued to drink anyway. Clearly the idea of bringing her human blood bothered him, but he was right – the animal blood wasn’t good enough for the amount of healing she needed to do.

As soon as she’d finished the first mug, he was handing her another one, and Buffy took this one without hesitation. Her whole body was crying out in relief as the blood filled her, and she knew she’d soon feel the tingling that came with her body knitting itself back together.

But what had her spirits raising even more was knowing now that she meant something to him.

Still, he seemed fairly jumpy this morning, and she decided not to bring up what had happened the night before. She didn’t know how comfortable he was with how he’d touched her, now in the harsh light of day, and she decided it would be better not to push things.

She just hoped she’d get to feel him inside of her just once before this was all over and he dusted her…

Spike gruffly took the empty mug from her and thrust a third one into her hands. “How much do you expect me to drink?” Buffy asked, though she didn’t reject the extra blood. After days of that pig swill, the human tasted even better than usual.

“I want you to get better,” Spike replied. “You’re taking too long to heal, and I don’t want to risk the chance of Angelus going somewhere else before I can get to him.”

Buffy frowned, surprised by how much his words hurt. She should’ve known his main focus would be getting to Angelus, but she’d still thought that his decision to start feeding her human blood had been because he cared.

Which she realized now was a very stupid notion. Of course he didn’t care. She was reading too much into everything. All the sex stuff from the day before was probably just because he was horny and she was a body, even if she didn’t think he’d actually gotten off from it. Though for all she knew, he could’ve beaten off in the bathroom or something right afterwards.

This was all confusing her way too much. He was gentle with her one minute, and yelling at her the next. She had no idea where she stood, especially given the fact she had no doubt in her mind that he planned to kill her in the end. Things had never been this complicated with Angelus. He went hot and cold, too, but it hadn’t taken her long to figure out his moods and just write them off as how he was.

Spike, on the other hand, was much less predictable. She had no clue how he was going to act from one moment to the next.

After the fifth mug of blood, she stopped him, insisting it was enough for the time being. She felt full, and she knew she’d heal better if she rested now and then drank more. Spike took the empty mugs and the remainder of the blood to the kitchenette, putting the blood in the fridge and cleaning out the mugs.

He continued to move around the sink, wiping the area down with a towel and rinsing out the sink itself, despite the fact that it was already quite clean. Buffy could see the muscles tensing in his back, and she bit her lip, wishing she knew what she was supposed to do in a situation like this.

“Spike?”

He jumped at the sound of her voice, then turned around. “Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“I…” He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “I didn’t like what I had to do. With the blood stealing. I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t much different from using it for a transfusion since you did need it, but…” He trailed off and looked down.

“But I’m a vampire, so I don’t really deserve it,” Buffy added quietly.

Spike winced. “I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t have to.”

Spike didn’t say anything else, knowing she was right – that had been the line of thinking he’d been following, though he hadn’t put it in quite those words. Feeding a vampire human blood of any kind still felt wrong to him, though now he felt guilty for wanting to deny it to Buffy.

It made his head spin.

“Is it going to help, though?” he asked.

Buffy nodded. “It will. It’ll be better than the animal blood, that’s for sure. I don’t think it’ll do as good as fresh from a body, but…” She trailed off at the look of horror on his face. “Geez, Spike, calm down. I wasn’t about to ask you to bring me someone to bite. I was just…” She looked down and finished with a grumbled, “Never mind.”

“Sorry, Buffy. I’m just not used to being on friendly terms with a vampire.”

His statement made her look up again. “Are we on friendly terms?”

“I still remember what you taste like when you come on my tongue, so I’m thinking we’re not exactly on unfriendly ones.”

His answer made her tremble. And he was mentioning what had happened, so did that mean… She looked up at him with a smile than managed to be both shy and seductive. “Well, then, if we’re friends and all… Did you want to…y’know…help me with the pain again.”

He knew he shouldn’t. Things had gotten out of hand the night before, and Spike had done things he had no business doing to a vampire. But, fuck the woman made him hard as nails with just a look. He swallowed, then approached the bed. “Do you want my fingers or my mouth?”

“Can I have a little bit of both?” Buffy asked.

“Greedy bint,” Spike admonished, though he spoke with a low chuckle and quickly worked to arrange her in a more comfortable position.

Buffy’s only response was a happy sigh as his tongue wrapped around her clit, his fingers slid into her body, and her hand tangled in his platinum curls.

*** *** ***

Though the television was on, Buffy couldn’t seem to muster up an interest in the program. Instead, she was mesmerized by the steady thumping of Spike’s heart as she rested against his chest. She’d had very little contact with humans that weren’t food in the years since being turned, and she certainly hadn’t spent any time cuddling with them.

So to listen to a heart beating in a rhythm other than one of fear, to feel the heat of a warm lover’s body against hers – if was a truly new sensation for her.

One thing did bother her, however. Spike had made her come again and again, and yet, every time, his pants stayed firmly on. She could tell he was aroused, but he didn’t ask her to do anything, and after the last time, he’d stayed right beside her, so she knew he hadn’t done anything on his own either.

She chewed on her bottom lip as she tried to decide what to do. She felt bad, being the only one to reap any of the benefits of whatever this was they had going on. Maybe he was just worried she’d say no, and didn’t want to push things… Deciding to act on that theory, Buffy let her hand creep down to the front of his jeans.

He picked it up and moved it away with a stern, “Don’t.”

She looked up at him with a frown. “Why not? You’re…”

He shook his head, silencing her. “It’s not a good idea.”

“But why? You…you said I was still pretty. Did…did you not mean it?”

Spike sighed heavily. “Buffy, look. You’re…”

Buffy slid away from him, a sad pout on her face. “No, you don’t have to say anything else. I get it.”

“Clearly, you bloody don’t, or you wouldn’t be looking like someone just kicked your puppy,” Spike responded. “It’s not because I’m not attracted to you. Bloody hell, woman, how many times do I have to tongue you to orgasm before you get that crazy notion out of your head?”

Buffy looked up sharply at that, and Spike couldn’t help but chuckle at the expression on his face. He held his arm out to her, motioning for her to come back to rest against this chest again. “Come here, you silly little bint.” When she did, he kissed her on the top of her head. “It’s not because I don’t want you. I do. In all honesty, I wish I didn’t, but it’s a little too late for that now. It’s because I want you too much. If you touch me, desperate as I am for you now, I’m going to lose control, and you’re still too tender for that.”

“Oh. So you wanna…when I’m better, I mean, you want to…”

He knew it hadn’t been too long ago since he’d been internally debating a response to that question, but after having the pleasure of touching her, of tasting her… “God, yes,” Spike said, his tone rivaling a growl from any of her species. “First chance I get, I’m gonna make you feel so good…”

Buffy responded by reaching up and grabbing the back of his head, forcing his mouth down on hers. Spike groaned, nipping at her lips before he slipped his tongue inside. He lost himself in the kiss, forgetting everything except how she made him feel.

His hands slid down her sides, until they were gently resting on her bottom. Buffy panted against him, the feel of him touching her making her want more. She climbed in his lap, straddling his hips, her nightgown riding up as she ground down against his denim-covered erection.

Spike groaned, his hands running up her back, under the gown, feeling her un-burned skin there. It was so soft, like cool silk. “Oh Buffy,” he moaned against her lips. “I need…” He pulled away from her, met her eyes so she’d know he meant what he was about to say. “Bite me.”

Buffy gaped at him, her mouth open and closing like a fish. “You…what…?”

“Bite me,” Spike said again, the plea hot and needy. “You need the blood.”

She knew this could end badly for her, but his offer was too tempting. It had been days since she’d had her fangs in a human, and he smelled so good. She snarled, her face shifting to demonic before she dove down, piercing the flesh of his neck.

Searing pain flared through his body, only to be followed by intense pleasure as Buffy began to drink from him. She moaned into his neck, writhing in his lap, pushing against his erection. Spike gripped the mattress, his head dipped back in a silent cry of ecstasy.

His orgasm took him completely by surprise, and he cried out, bucking hard into her.

Buffy stopped her feeding then, gently licking his wounds closed, making Spike shudder with even more pleasure. He panted as he came down, in shock that he’d enjoyed that the way he had. It was easily the most erotic experience of his life.

“Are you okay?” Buffy asked, her palms flat against his chest, feeling his fluttering heartbeat.

“I’m…” Spike shook his head, at a complete loss for words for how to describe the experience. Finally, he settled on grabbing her face and pulling her in for a kiss, rolling the taste of his own blood around on his tongue. “I never knew a bite could be like that,” he said as he broke away. He gave her a crooked smile. “I’m going to have to change my jeans.”

Buffy looked at him with a shy smile, her eyes hooded. “I wanted to make it special for you, Spike.”

Spike smiled back at her, stroked her cheek with his thumb. “You did, kitten. Fuck, I… Bleedin’ hell, girl.”

“I wouldn’t bite you to hurt you, you know,” Buffy said, caressing his chest. She licked his cheek, nibbled at his ear, then whispered, “I only want to make you feel good.”

“Oh, god, Buffy, I love you. I love you so bloody much.”

Buffy gasped, pulled back to meet his eyes, and Spike realized what he’d said.