Summary: The Scoobies are sent on a cross country road trip by the
Watcher’s Council to retrieve seven portal keys that access Abaddon’s
abyss. Comedy. Ensemble
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are
owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not
meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.
Author's Notes: Disclaimer: The characters are owned by Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Never mine. A/N: This is a comedy/ very light drama road picture, an homage to Bob Hope, Bing Crosby and Dorothy Lamour, idols from my childhood. The locations, other than state names are completely of my own invention or changed to suit the story. As always, thanks to my lovely beta EnigmaticBlues.
Rating: PG
Listen birds
these signs cost money
so roost awhile
but don’t get funny
Burma-Shave
Xander closed the hood. “Try it again, Spike.”
Spike turned the key. The engine sputtered and died again. “Nada. I think this is the end of the line.”
Xander nodded. “You were right, that mechanic didn’t completely repair the van.”
Buffy stood by the passenger door. “At least we’re only really fifty
feet or so from where we needed to be, so it did get us here.” She
leaned in the open window. “Come on everybody, this is it. We walk from
here.”
“Buffy?”
“What is it Tara?” She watched the witch shift nervously, running her hand through her hair.
“I think I’d prefer to stay here with the van.”
Buffy spoke gently to the terrified woman. “I’m sorry, but we all need
to stick together. It’s too dangerous for anyone to stay alone,
especially out here in the dark.” She opened the door. “Come on, you
can walk with me.”
Tara sighed. “Well, if you insist.”
Willow took Tara’s hand. “Don’t worry sweetie, I’ll protect us both.”
Tara pulled her hand away. “I’m sorry Willow, but without magic, I
don’t think you can protect anyone.” She eyed the knife sticking out of
Willow’s belt. “Especially with that.”
“I don’t want to do magic or even stupid research anymore. I like being All Action Willow way better.”
Tara shrugged and turned to follow Buffy.
Dawn grabbed her backpack and stepped out. “How much time do we have?”
Willow looked at the pendent. “Only about ten minutes and the key is
over there somewhere.” She pointed across the boulder strewn field
toward the tree line in the distance.
Spike quirked an eyebrow. “This one is on the ground, isn’t it Red?”
Willow nodded emphatically. “Oh yes, definitely a ground key.”
Spike took Buffy’s hand in his. She looked down at their entwined hands and smiled.
“Come on Slayer, let’s try to find that key and get this over with.”
“Buffy, look out!” Tara screamed.
Buffy dropped Spike’s hand and lifted her cross bow. A brown furry
demon was running from the trees toward them. She sighted the bow.
“Slayer, two more at four o’clock.” Spike pulled out his sword and started running toward them.
Buffy shot her arrow and hit the demon in the stomach. It doubled over.
More spilled out of the woods. “Xander, you and the others are going to
have to hunt for the key. Spike and I will keep the demons busy. Take
the long way around, try to avoid letting them see you.”
Xander nodded. He and Willow and Anya took off running toward the edge of the field.
Buffy shot a look at Dawn. “Dawn you and Tara stay behind me.” More and
more demons continued to pour out of the woods onto the field. “Hide
over here behind this boulder and stay quiet.”
Dawn pointed. “There’s the Keeper, Buffy. He kept his word.”
Buffy beheld the man, astride a white horse just as in the picture,
appear from the opposite direction He was shouting orders to a troop of
men also on horseback. She recognized his second in command as the
emissary that had visited them yesterday. The men fanned out and
started challenging the demons, using swords and long bows.
Buffy notched another arrow and shot it at a flying Dogenne swooping
toward the Scoobies. It dropped heavily from the sky as the trio dove
into the woods.
She looked around for Spike. Using his sword, he was cutting a swath
through the demons. Buffy turned to the two women behind the boulder.
“Dawn, you and Tara have the most important job. You’ve got the rest of
the portal keys. You have to hang on to them, no matter what else
happens. Don’t move from this spot and someone will bring the last key
back to you soon.”
The Slayer left to join the fight.
***
“I’ve got it.” Anya called to the other two searching around her.
Xander hurried over to her. “We’ve got to get this back to Buffy right
away.” They started working their way back though the heavy underbrush.
A few moments later they heard something crashing around in the trees
in front of them.
Anya dropped the key in her pocket and whispered. “Now what? We can’t
go in that direction, the main battle is over there and this way leads
deeper into the woods.”
Willow pulled out her knife. “We continue toward Buffy.” She started
forward. “Come on, I didn’t spend the last twenty four hours practicing
with this knife for nothing.”
Xander grabbed Anya’s hand. “We don’t have a choice. This won’t end until Buffy gets the key.”
Anya muttered. “I wish I’d had that Samurai sword overnighted.” She
looked at the other two. “Okay, let’s go.” They started moving
cautiously toward the noise.
A Candlerisse demon came charging out of the dense underbrush, waving
its claws. Willow lifted her knife, took aim, and threw it. It lodged
in the demon’s chest. She watched it pitch forward into the dirt. It
shuddered once and grew still.
“Yay me!! I did it!!” All Action Willow ran over and pulled her knife out of the thick fur. “Come on, we’ve got to keep moving.”
The trio managed to circumvent the most ferocious fighting and
cautiously worked their way back around the perimeter, finally making
it back to the boulder where Dawn and Tara were waiting.
Dawn opened her backpack and pulled out the box of portal keys. She
opened it and started lining them up in the dirt. Xander looked at the
little balls. “Do we have any idea at all how they fit together?”
Dawn shook her head. “Not a clue. We’ll just have to keep trying until
they all stick together.” She picked up the one in front of her.
“Everyone take one of them and start trying to hook yours to another
one.”
***
Dropping the bow on the ground in favor of her sword, Buffy worked her
way into the thickest fighting. She occasionally caught a glimpse of
Spike’s hair to the left of her and then a large demon or other fighter
would cross her sight line and he’d be hidden again.
Buffy raised her arm to thrust her sword into an eight foot tall yellow
demon when it suddenly fell sideways, landing dead at her feet. She
looked up and her eyes met those of the Keeper. He nodded at her and
raised his sword. She smiled and raised hers in turn. Spurring his
horse, he turned into the midst of the fray. Buffy headed for the spot
where she’d last seen Spike.
Breaking through a crowd of wolf looking demons, she found Spike. In
game face and grinning broadly, the vampire had taken on three sword
wielding demons all at once.
“Is this a private slaughter, or can anyone join?”
“”Lo pet. I guess you can have one if you’d like.” He parried and danced away.
The Slayer moved within range and engaged one of the demons. “We need
to get back to Dawn.” She gracefully blocked the demons’ thrust.
Spike beheaded one of the demons and turned to another. “I heard Harris and the birds get the last key.”
Buffy turned quickly, parried again and forced the demon backward. It
lost its footing and she easily went in for the kill, slicing upward
and cutting it nearly in two.
Turning back around, she watched Spike drop the third demon with a
slash to its chest. He stepped over it to get to Buffy’s side. “Let’s
go pet; I think they’re on the run anyway.”
Hurrying back to the boulder, they found the others had managed to
attach almost all the portal keys together. Buffy looked around for the
Keeper. “Don’t attach the last ball until we can be sure he’s close
enough to give it to him right away.”
Shading her eyes from the dust swirling around, she finally saw the
white horse at the edge of the fight. Most of the demons were running
away or were lying dead around the field. Buffy raised her sword and
swung it back and forth above her head.
The Keeper caught sight of the Slayer and reined in his horse. He and his emissary started galloping toward them.
Buffy turned back to the group. “Okay, finish hooking them together.”
Dawn nodded and attached the last one, forming a circle. The keys
glowed and grew dull again. Buffy watched as her friends shook their
heads and sat down. They all looked a little dazed and confused.
She looked over at Spike and Dawn. They were both watching the others and grinning.
A huge fireball suddenly flew past their heads, landing in the dirt several feet away.
Spike dove behind the boulder, pulling Dawn down with him. “What the
bloody hell was that?” He asked when Buffy dropped down beside him.
“I have no idea.” Warily she peered around the boulder and her eyes
widened. The Keeper and his emissary were turning toward the source of
the fireballs. It was some type of fire shooting flying demon. Almost
like a… “Dragon. There’s an actual fire-breathing dragon looking thing
out there.”
She crouched behind the boulder as another fireball flew past. Shaking
her head, she said, “See? This is why you can’t trust the internet.
Somehow it was allowed through the portal without us saying anything at
all.”
She turned to the witches. “I know you guys probably don’t feel too
well, but we could sure use a barrier spell about now.” She grabbed the
portal keys. “I’ve got to get this to the Keeper as fast as possible.
The rest of you stay here.”
Spike laid a restraining hand on her arm. “Are you sure, Slayer? That thing will toast you in a heartbeat.”
“No choice. The Keeper’s the only one that can force it back through the portal. Will, about that barrier?”
Willow nodded grimly. “Give us a couple minutes, we’ll get it up. I
don’t know how long it will hold, we’re both pretty worn out.” Linking
her hand with Tara’s, they began chanting.
“Hopefully it won’t need to be up too long.” Buffy looked at Spike. “Protect them, no matter what happens.”
He nodded. “Watch your back, Slayer.”
Buffy watched another fireball fly past. “It’s not my back I’m worried
about.” Slipping out cautiously, she started slowly walking toward the
Keeper. His men had stopped fighting the demons, the last of which had
quickly disappeared when the dragon had shown up, and had now joined
their leader, warily watching the demon flying in slow circles above
the field.
Buffy managed to get within a few feet of the outer ring of men when
she saw one of the fireballs head straight for the boulder where the
others were hidden.
“Oh God, no.” She prayed that the witches had managed to erect the
barrier in time. Holding her breath, she watched the fireball descend
from the sky, strike the unseen barrier and then literally bounce,
landing on top of the Council’s van. It was quickly enveloped it in
flames.
Spike watched the fireball rebound and drop on the van. Glancing quickly at Harris, he grimaced. Bloody hell.
Xander had followed the fireball’s trajectory, too. His mouth dropped open and he looked at Spike, eyes wide. Uh oh.
Suddenly there was a rumbling noise coupled with a distinct POP!
Buffy winced and clapped both hands over her ears. This was followed by
several large individual explosions that rocked the van, blowing out
all the windows and laying open the roof like a cheap tin of sardines.
The slayer watched open mouthed as colored balls of every description
shot high up into the air, flashing bright primary colors against the
backdrop of the night sky, changing it from solid black to a veritable
garden of wildly erratic blooming flowers.
The balls were partnered with whistling bottle rockets propelled by an
invisible, seemingly drunken hand that aimed in every possible
direction both in the air and sideways along the ground.
Boxes of whizzing sparklers shot out, accompanied by spinning colored
discs that discharged sparks as they careened wildly across the ground.
Loud explosions continued to rock the van; shooting pieces of melted
plastic and sizzling metal every where. The stench of smoke and debris
fanned out from the van, filling the air.
It was a surrealistic Fourth of July celebration melded with Guy Fawkes
and Chinese New Year, all rolled into one spectacular kaleidoscopic
insanity. Buffy suddenly felt the irrational urge to dig up
marshmallows.
Still clutching the portal keys, the Slayer shook her head to clear the
flashes from her eyes and searched for the dragon. Startled and afraid
to fly in the sudden insanity loosed into its sky, the dragon had
landed far away and was even now standing stock still, staring at the
incredible noise and fire. Taking the opportunity presented, she ran to
the Keeper and held the portal keys up to him.
The Keeper, an amused look on his face, watched the spectacle. Pulling
his eyes away, he looked down to Buffy. Leaning down from his horse, he
took the keys from her outstretched hand. Quirking his lips, he winked
at her. Muttering something quietly to himself, he held the portal keys
high above his head.
Buffy watched a green portal appear on the other side of the field,
next to the stupefied dragon. The dragon roared, struggled briefly and
disappeared, sucked into a portal that quickly closed around it.
The Slayer looked up at the Keeper again. He nodded once and turned his
horse. Opening another portal, this one blue in color, he and his men
rode into it and disappeared. The portal closed quietly behind them.
Walking back across the field, Buffy joined her shaken friends emerging
from behind the boulder. Cringing as the van continued to explode; they
stood and gawked at the damage.
Spike walked up. “You probably noticed that Harris and I bought a few
things at one of the stops.” When she didn’t respond, he clasped her
hand in his and added, “Guess this means the Council won’t be getting
their damage deposit back.”
Buffy looked at him and then back at the van and started giggling helplessly. Soon everyone was laughing along with her.
Wiping his eyes, Spike said, “We’re going to have to hoof it, pet, before the sun comes up.”
Buffy nodded weakly and started across the field toward the road. “We
need to get to the next town and a phone. I’m going to have to call
Giles and try to explain all of this. He’ll have to call the Council
and let them know they don’t get the portal keys after all.”
“I suppose this means I won’t get paid the dosh that’s comin’ to me.”
“I wouldn’t hold my breath.”
“Not really a problem, Slayer.”
Xander and Anya fell in step behind the couple. “As soon as we can find
a diner, I want to stop.” Xander patted his empty stomach. “I haven’t
eaten anything in so long my stomach thinks my mouth must be taped
shut.”
Spike smirked. “Now there’s an idea I can get behind.”
Anya shook her head. “Sorry Xander, all we have left are our airline
tickets. We don’t have any money. I spent it all. I don’t even have any
receipts; they burned up with the van. Giles is going to kill me.”
Thoughtfully, she asked, “Does anyone know if Giles ever liked Joanie
Loves Chachi?”
Xander moaned. “An, I’m totally hollow, I’m actually starving to death.”
She dug in her purse and pulled out a small striped box. “Here Xander, this is it until we get back to Sunnydale.”
He opened the box. “Awesome! It’s a Claxton fruit cake.” He happily crammed a chunk in his mouth.
Tara smiled at her girlfriend. “I’m so glad that spell is over. This
has to be the worse road trip I’ve ever taken in my entire life and
that includes the time my brother got the measles in North Dakota and I
broke my arm in South Dakota.” She held Willow’s hand tighter. “But at
least everyone’s all right now.”
Willow grimaced. “I threw away all my books and five of them were from
the library.” She turned a worried face to the others. “Do you think
they’ll revoke my card?”
“I so have the best story when everyone asks what I did during spring
break. This was way better than going to Cancun, like Janice did.” Dawn
smiled happily. “I’ve even still got all forty- one of my bells.” She
touched her backpack and everyone heard the bells inside tinkle gaily.
Spike glanced over at Buffy. “I hear a truck comin’ down the road. Do you want me to try to get us a ride?”
“Yes, please. These boots were made for walking, but not all the way to the next town.”
Spike took off running toward the road. Flagging down the farmer
driving by in an ancient flat bed truck, he called to the others.
Everyone ran up and climbed in, settling down on several clean bales of
hay. The truck cranked up again, rolling slowly down the road toward
the small town a few miles away.
Lulled by the rocking of the old truck and leaning contentedly against
Spike’s arm, Buffy could hear the vampire singing something in a nice
baritone voice softly to himself.
She touched his arm. He searched her face, one eyebrow raised. “What is it, pet?”
“That song sounds really familiar. What are you singing?”
Eyes twinkling, Spike sang the verse louder.
Buffy chuckled.
Xander heard Spike and looked over. He grinned and starting singing the
old song along with him. Anya smiled at her boyfriend, adding her voice
on the next verse.
Slowing bouncing down the two lane gravel road, everyone else joined in and sang the chorus together.
Sometimes the lights all shinin’ on me
Other times I can barely see
Lately it occurs to me
what a long strange trip its been.
The End.
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