Changing Lives by Mabel Marsters

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Chapter 57

Author's Notes: Thaks as ever to Carol for her beta work:)

Chapter Fifty-Seven

Two days had passed since Buffy had told Spike it was over. He didn’t know how he would’ve got through them without Oz – he’d been amazing. Today was the first day back at school after the holidays and Spike honestly didn’t think that he would survive the day. Rupert had tried to get him to tell him what was wrong but he’d just told him that he and Buffy weren’t seeing each other any more and left it at that. He’d spent as much time as possible in his room. Thankfully he hadn’t been tempted to drown his sorrows again as the hangover he’d had was horrific and, like Oz said, it wasn’t going to help him any.

“Spike, are you ready?” called Rupert.

“Yeah.” Spike put on his duster, picked up his school bag and plodded to the car with him.

“Are you feeling all right? You’re terribly pale,” said Rupert.

“’M okay,” mumbled Spike, “Course I’m pale - my soddin’ heart can hardly beat anymore,” he thought in depression.

Ooooooo

Buffy looked at herself in the mirror.

“Yes, I definitely look like I’ve spent the last two days crying,” she thought as she stared at her reflection in horror.

She was dreading seeing Spike, or should that be William? Her heart still flipped when she thought of their kisses and lovemaking but she just felt betrayed and was so angry with him.

“Thank God for Willow.”

Her best friend had barely left her side since she’d called her after Spike had gone.

Buffy noticed the chain around her neck and her heart missed a beat, remembering how he’d given it to her at midnight. Hands trembling, she took it off. She couldn’t bear to wear it. She put it on her dressing table next the bracelet it matched, tears pricking at her eyes as she did.

“Get a grip, Buffy,” she said to her reflection.

With a sigh she picked up her school bag and went downstairs.

“I’m going, Mom. See you later.”

“Bye, honey,” replied Joyce.

She was worried about how upset Buffy had been. The only reason she could think of that could have caused such a falling out was sex. She presumed that Spike had wanted it and Buffy had refused. She wished Buffy would confide in her but as yet she hadn’t. She shook her head ruefully - she certainly wouldn’t want to be a teenager again.

Ooooooo

Spike had let Rupert go ahead when they got to school and so was walking up the steps alone. As he got nearer to the doors he felt panic rising in him.

“I can’t do it.”

Abruptly he turned to go back down them and go home, intending to call Rupert and say he was ill after all. He kept his head down as he turned and walked straight into someone, almost knocking them over.

“God, I’m sorry,” he said, looking up.

It was Buffy. They stared at each other for a second before she stepped to the side to go past.

“Please, Buffy…” he said, putting his hand on her arm.

She shrugged it off, shook her head and walked away, fighting back tears.

“Buffy,” he repeated.

“Just leave her be, Spike,” said Willow gently.

Spike focussed on her, “I need to explain to her, Willow. Please ask her to at least let me talk to her. If she feels the same after that I’ll never bother her again. Please, Willow,” he begged.

“I’ll try, Spike, but no promises, okay? She’s feeling pretty hurt right now.”

Spike nodded. She took his hand and gave it a bit of a squeeze, before hurrying after Buffy. He started to walk down the steps away from the school and then stopped. He’d gotten himself into this mess by not facing his fears; by being weak and cowardly. He couldn’t keep running away, so he turned around and walked slowly to class.

Ooooooo

The day was a test of endurance and breaking point was almost reached in English class. Spike had gotten there early after lunching in the library, because he hadn’t wanted to have to pass Buffy to get to his seat. He kept his head down as soon as he saw her. He felt sick with longing for her. The moment that nearly broke him was when Willow dropped a note on his desk. He opened it with trembling fingers.

(She won’t talk to you. Sorry.)

He disguised his sob of despair with a cough and spent the rest of the class just staring at the piece of paper.

Buffy flinched as she heard Spike’s reaction. It had taken all of her strength to stay in the same room as him. Although her body ached for his touch, her head ruled her emotions. He was a fraud and everything about him was fake.

Ooooooo

The rest of the week passed in a similar fashion. Both were miserable. Buffy still refused to talk to him or listen to his explanation or excuse, as she thought it was. The tutoring sessions had stopped and so he had no chance of getting her on her own. He’d reverted to going into the library at lunch. Oz came one day to keep him company but couldn’t get more than a few monosyllabic words out of him.

“I need to be alone, Oz,” Spike had eventually said.

Oz knew that was exactly the last thing he needed but didn’t know what else to say and so had done as Spike had asked.

Ooooooo

On Friday, Oz and Willow had a plan. The Dingoes were playing that night and they’d decided that Willow had to get Buffy to come to the Bronze. Perhaps afterwards they might get a chance to talk to each other properly.

“So you’re coming to the Bronze, aren’t you Buffy? asked Willow before class started.

“I don’t think so, Will.”

“Aw, c’mon. Look, I know you don’t want to see Spike but Oz is in the band too and he’d hate it if you never saw them again because of the lead singer. I’d hate it too. Please come.”

Buffy looked at her friend. She’d been so supportive through all of this that she felt that she owed her something in return.

“Okay, I’ll come, but I’m not sure how long I’ll stay.”

“Thanks, Buffy. I would have missed you if you hadn’t come. I know I’ve got to like Cordelia now ‘cause she’s with Xander but I would rather not be stuck with her on my own,” said Willow with a smile.

Ooooooo

At the sound check that night Spike was even more tense and nervous than usual, and this time it didn’t ebb away the more they played. The rest of the band exchanged anxious glances as he stalked off the stage when they had finished. Oz nodded at Joey, who followed him to make sure he was all right. He found him sitting in a corner of the empty club, just staring at his hands.

“Are you okay?” Joey asked gently, sitting next to him.

“Not really, Joey. I’m a mess but I won’t let you down, I promise,” replied Spike, not looking up.

“I know you won’t.” Joey put a hand on his shoulder as he got up and then left him alone.

Ooooooo

By the time the club was filling up Spike had taken refuge in the tiny backstage area. Every time he’d seen a blonde head come into his vision his heart lurched, thinking that it might be Buffy. Each time as he stared he found it wasn’t her.

Oz had told him that Buffy had said to Willow that she’d be there. He couldn’t decide whether it would be better to see her or not. All he kept remembering was New Year’s Eve and how close they’d been.

He walked up onto the stage with the guys to start their set. He was glad that he was wearing his duster. It gave him confidence somehow - he thought of it as his armour.

He grimaced after the first verse because he could hear that he was a little off key.

“Bloody concentrate, Spike. Don’t let even more people down.”

He closed his eyes, focussed and lost himself in the music. He opened them when he’d finished the song and glanced at the table where Willow, Xander and Cordy were sitting. His eyes widened as he saw Buffy was now there with them. For a second their eyes met until Buffy looked away.

“Shit! I can’t believe that I have hurt her so much.”

After that he threw himself into his performance, concentrating on nothing but the songs he sang. He couldn’t bring himself to look her way again.

Before the second to the last song of the set, Spike left the mic and went up to the guys.

“Can we swap these last two songs around? Is that okay?”

“Yeah, no problem,” said Pete, glancing at the others as Spike walked back to the mic. They shrugged, not sure why he’d wanted to change the play list.

As the band started to play the intro for their final song, Spike stared over at Buffy. Again she met his eyes for a moment before once more breaking contact.

“Um…these are new lyrics to an old tune,” said Spike, “It’s called ‘What Difference Does It Make?’ ”

Buffy’s head whipped up when she heard that. It was what Spike had said before she’d slapped him.

“All men have secrets and here is mine. So let it be known,

I have been through hell and high tide. I think I can rely on you.

And yet you start to recoil, heavy words are so lightly thrown,

But still, I’d leap in front of a flying bullet for you.

So what difference does it make?

What difference does it make?

It makes none.

But now you are gone and your prejudice won’t keep you warm tonight.

This time Spike held Buffy’s gaze and she just couldn’t look away.

Oh the devil will find work for idle hands to do.

I soddin’ lied and why? Because I needed to.

But now you know the truth about me you won’t see me any more.

Well, I’m still fond of you.

So what difference does it make?

What difference does it make?

You won’t hear my apology.

I’m too tired, I’m so very tired,

And I’m feeling very sick and ill today,

But I still love you…

As soon as he sang the last word Buffy got up and hurried away towards the exit. Spike leapt down from the stage and pushed his way through the crowd to her.

“Buffy!”

She hesitated, which gave him the opportunity to get in front of her.

“Buffy, please, can we talk? I’m begging yer here, Buffy. If yer still hate me afterwards I promise I’ll never speak to you again.”

He was unaware of the solitary tear that escaped from his eye. Buffy stared at him. God, he looked so wretched, so lost. He sounded sincere. She decided she at least owed him the chance to talk to her properly.

“Okay,” she said quietly, “Come round tomorrow at eleven. Mom won’t be there.” She brushed past him and walked out.

Spike’s heart swelled at the thought that she’d given him the opportunity to talk to her again. He knew he probably still had no chance of ever getting back with her again but he needed her to understand how he’d come to do what he had.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

He suddenly realised that he was the focus of attention of practically the whole club. He didn’t care - Buffy was allowing him to see her tomorrow. He ran back and vaulted up onto the stage. Oz mouthed the title of one of his songs. Spike nodded and grabbed the mic.

“Sorry about that, it was just something I had to do. Here’s another one for you.”

It was a fast track and Spike was glad of it. For the first time in a week he had hope. Okay, it was only a smidgin of hope, but it was hope nonetheless.

To be continued…..

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