Summary: Spike is Buffy's swimming coach. He has been hateful to her since day one, a fact that hurts her because she is in love with him. Little does she know that his behaviour only serves to hide his own feelings. Tragic circumstances bring them closer together.
Spike glanced over at Buffy from his place in the driver’s seat when he heard her stomach roar. He chuckled as she grabbed it in embarrassment and turned a bright shade of red.
“Don’t worry kitten, I’ll ’ave you home soon and you can have a nice big dinner, yeah?”
Instead of agreeing, Buffy seemed to look even more depressed and turned her head to look out the side window. Spike was concerned by her reaction, and thought back to the day’s training session. She had definitely been looking thinner than usual, but he still thought she was as beautiful as ever so it hadn’t registered until now.
“Buffy? When was the last time you ate? And don’t lie to me.”
“Ummm, this morning. I had breakfast at the hospital. I just haven’t had a chance to eat since then.”
“You ate hospital food for breakfast?”
“You know, its not as bad as people say it is.”
“Right. And what are you planning to have for dinner?”
Buffy looked like a deer caught in the headlights. What the hell was going on with her? “Oh, ummm, you know, what ever I want. Meat. And vegetables, yep, there’ll definitely be vegetables. Maybe some bread as well. It’ll be a huge meal.” She suddenly realized she was babbling and cut herself off.
Spike looked thoughtfully at her. “Buffy, are you lying? Please don’t, I’m your coach yeah? I just wanna know how you’re dealing with all this.” God he hoped she wasn’t starving herself in an attempt to gain control over some part of her life.
“I’m not lying okay! God, just get off my back.” Buffy crossed her arms and went back to staring out the window, only speaking to give directions. Spike turned back to the road and a determined look settled across his features. Right. It was going to take a bit more than just questions to get the truth out of her.
They pulled up outside Buffy’s house and Spike got out of the car with her, walking up to the front door. He stood silently as she put the key in the lock and turned to him.
“What are you doing?”
“Told Joyce ’d see you home safely and that’s what I’m doing. That includes you walking through the front door.” Buffy just huffed in annoyance and pushed the door open, crying out in alarm when he barreled past her into the entrance. She followed, calling frantically for him to stop as he made his way through the house, stopping in the kitchen. He opened the fridge first, then the cupboard before finally turning to her. Buffy’s eyes were on the ground and she was wringing her hands nervously.
“Buffy. Buffy look at me. Wanna tell me why the only thing in your kitchen is half a jar of coffee and some old soda water?”
Buffy didn’t seem to be able to speak. She wouldn’t look up from the ground and wrapped her arms around herself tightly, trying not to cry. Spike was truly the one person she didn’t want to know how pathetic she was, how she couldn’t even look after herself. She felt like lying on the ground and never getting up.
Spike stared at her trembling form. Sure Joyce was sick, but Buffy was truly suffering as well. She obviously had no one to care for her, and Spike wished she would let him look after her. If only he hadn’t been such an asshole for so many years. But that couldn’t come into it now. She needed someone, and he was the only one here. He strode over to her, grabbed her hand and pulled her into the living room. Placing her on the couch and sitting down right next to her, he draped an arm around her shoulders and whispered, “Buffy, listen to me. I know its hard what you’re going through right now, and I know I’ve given you a hard time over the years but I really do wanna help you now. I just need you to tell me what’s really going on.”
Buffy sniffled and nodded. Things were already so bad, how much more embarrassing could it really be?
“Mom’s only been in the hospital about four weeks. She knew I’d be home alone and stuff so she left money allocated for things, you know, like bills and food. But the hospital is so far away and I could get lifts there after practice, but getting home and at other times I have to take taxis ’cos its too far to walk. And I spent all my food money on that, so I just eat what I can at the hospital. I would get a job, I swear I’m not lazy, but I literally have no time. I’m either going to classes during the day at uni or I’m at the hospital or at swim practice. I could get a night job but then I wouldn’t even have time to sleep… I just, I’m not good at taking care of myself. And I don’t want to worry mom by asking for more money or anything. The hospital bills are piling up as it is.”
He tilted her face to look up at him in a familiar gesture. “Buffy, you are very good at looking after yourself. And others. Your mum thinks you’re doing okay so she’s not worried and you haven’t let anyone else know. You’re keeping it together, but everyone needs a little help once in a while. I’m gonna help you, okay?”
“Help me?”
“Well, am I right in thinking you haven’t told anyone because you don’t want them to know?”
“Yeah, its just… too personal…at the moment. I feel better just keeping it to myself.”
“Well, I’m not going to tell anyone either as long as you don’t want me to. But you’re not on your own anymore. I’m here for you. And first thing’s first, we’re going out for dinner.”
Buffy couldn’t say anything. How many times had she imagined him asking her out for dinner? Granted, he was sort of telling her, and it wasn’t really a date by any stretch of the imagination but it came very close to some of her fantasies.
“Okay, let me just go get changed.” She hated to leave his embrace but there was no way she was going out to dinner in old track pants with crazy hair from swimming. Making her way upstairs, Buffy realized this was simultaneously the happiest and most miserable she had ever felt at the same time.
***
“Um, Spike? Can I ask you kind of a random question?”
Spike looked up from his pasta and nodded. “Sure pet.”
He noticed her blush in the dim lighting of the restaurant but didn’t say anything. “Those things you said to my mom, about me being the best on the team and stuff, were you just lying to make her happy?” She quickly looked down, half afraid of his answer.
“Buffy, I wasn’t lying. You’re the best we have by a long shot.”
“But…but you’re always yelling at me! About everything! I can’t ever do anything right – my technique, my times…nothing! I can’t be the best on the team, you never yell at anyone else like that.” Oops, the blush was back with a vengeance. He couldn’t shout at her in a restaurant could he?
Spike sighed and ran his hand through his bleached hair, trying to figure out how to explain his actions. “Buffy, I really am sorry about how I’ve treated you okay? But I only do it to make you better, make you stronger. The amount you’ve grown in the past two years, God, you’re amazing now. I don’t work the others as much because they’re not worth it as much. I know it’s a terrible thing to say and I’m not trying to play favorites but in life people back the strongest horse, y’know? I only work you so hard to make you even better than you are. I know what swimming means to you. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you weren’t good enough.”
Buffy couldn’t speak. How could he know that that was probably one of the nicest things anyone had ever said to her? She did love swimming, and it was a constant worry to her that she wasn’t good enough, especially for Spike. She had thought that all this time he hated her, instead of just wanting her to be better. So instead she just smiled gratefully at him and started eating again. She hadn’t eaten this much in a long while and it felt fantastic. Not wanting the night to end, and also not wanting indigestion, Buffy slowed down her eating speed. But eventually they had both finished dessert as well, and Spike paid the bill.
“I promise as soon as things get back to normal I’ll pay you back okay?”
“Buffy, I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want paying back. Actually, tell you what. You swim the very best you can in a few weeks at the championships and I’ll consider that the best thing you could ever do for me, okay kitten?”
Damn, he really needed to stop calling her sweet names like that. Her knees got a little bit weaker every time and she was sure he could see the glaze in her eyes.
“Sure thing coach, I’ll do my best.”
***
Once again, Spike walked Buffy up to her front door. They both felt slightly surreal, as if they’d just been out on a date. But that was absurd, wasn’t it? They’d been at eachother’s throats for the past couple of years. Buffy decided to just come out with what she was thinking.
“Spike, I just need to know something. Its like, all of a sudden you’re being so nice to me. And I’m not complaining, believe me I’m not. But I just need to know, is it pity? Because I really don’t need it. I’m fine.”
“Buffy, I don’t pity you. At all. You’re strong, and brave and from what I saw at the hospital today completely selfless. I just need you to know that I’m sorry for being so harsh these past few years. That’s not to say I’m going to let you off easy at swim practice, but at least we sort of know where the other is coming from now, yeah?”
“Yeah. I won’t slack off either, I swear.”
“Buffy, you couldn’t slack off if you tried. That’s not you. You’re a doer, one of those people who does the right thing because its right, not because you’re expected to. There should be more people like you in the world.”
Spike delighted in the blissful smile that appeared on her face, alongside her usual blush of course. It was slightly harder to see in the dim light created by the outside lamp, but he could tell it was there. Suddenly he realized they were just standing at her door, a few inches apart, simply staring at eachother. He had never wanted to do anything more in his life than lean over and kiss her. Would she slap him? Hate him? Or would she accept his advances? If there was anything spending an afternoon at the hospital had taught him, it was that life was too short. Who knows what could happen? Spike decided to take a chance.
He leant over slowly and gently brushed his lips across hers, once, twice, then pressed against her mouth more firmly. At first she didn’t seem to react, until her hands came up to grasp his shoulders as his settled on her waist.
Holy. Shit. Buffy couldn’t think straight. They had just been staring at eachother when all of a sudden he leant in and kissed her on the mouth. Not a friendly goodnight peck on the cheek, a tender, intimate kiss on the mouth. Feeling him deepen it when she reached up to hold onto him, Buffy opened her mouth which allowed his tongue to come out and brush against hers. She shivered with desire as her knees seemed to buckle slightly. Spike just wrapped his arms around her waist more tightly, holding her firmly against him. Their mouths continued to move frantically against eachother, expressing the passion that had been repressed for years. Buffy slid her hands up to the back of his neck, sifting through his hair.
Eventually Spike pulled away from her mouth, kissing along her jaw and pulling her head in to rest against his chest as he stroked her hair.
Buffy felt comforted by the fact that he wasn’t pushing her away, declaring a moment of insanity. His husky voice broke through her cloudy thoughts.
“Buffy?”
“Hmmm?” Was he going to ask to come inside? She already knew she’d say yes.
“Is there a spare key to the house?”
What? “What?”
“I just worry about you here alone, if something were to happen. Do you have a spare key?”
“Uhh, yeah, its under that pot. Never used it though.” What the hell was he talking about? Was this his way of avoiding the fact that they had just mauled eachother? Then why was he still holding her so close and stroking her hair? Jesus this was confusing. And on top of that her head was still buried in his chest so she couldn’t see his eyes.
“Okay baby, I think you should get inside, yeah? Know you’ve got a busy day tomorrow and you need sleep honey.”
Baby? Honey? On second thoughts he wasn’t being confusing, he was being the sweetest she’d ever seen. But he was also right. She was completely exhausted.
“Okay. Guess I’ll see you tomorrow at training then.”
“You sure will kitten. Have a good sleep.” Spike tilted her head up for one more loving kiss before backing away towards his car. He watched Buffy let herself in the house and shut the door before jumping in, already thinking up various plans of how to help her. Not for one second did he regret kissing her; she was nineteen now, although they’d have to work out the whole coach-swimmer scenario. He knew that wouldn’t go down well in a town the size of Sunnydale. But none of that could erase the feel of her soft lips against his, something he wouldn’t be forgetting for quite some time.
Buffy stood on the other side of the door, staring out into space with one finger softly tracing her lips, only one thought echoing through her mind.