Brace Yourself by Enigmaticblue

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Chapter 6: Lessons

"I can feel the night beginning/Separate me from the living/Understanding me,/After all I've seen./Piecing every thought together,/Find the words to make me better./If I only knew how to pull myself apart...I believe that dreams are sacred./Take my darkest fears and play them/Like a lullaby,/Like a reason why,/Like a play of my obsessions,/Make me understand the lesson,/So I'll find myself,/So I won't be lost again./All that I'm living for/All that I'm dying for/All that I can't ignore alone at night./All that I'm wanted for,/Although I wanted more./Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me." ~Evanescence, "All That I'm Living For"

Spike came home to find Buffy waiting for him. "Thought you were goin' to see Willow tonight," he commented. "I'd have picked you up."

"We're going to wait until tomorrow night, when we can all have dinner together. I hope you don't mind, but I volunteered you and Tara for cooking duty."

Spike shook his head in mock annoyance. "I never should have learned to cook. I knew you'd end up usin' me for my cookin' skills."

"One of us needs to be able to not burn things," Buffy pointed out with a smile.

He raised an eyebrow, but bent to kiss her where she lounged on the couch. "You avoiding Willow, pet, or are you really not feelin' well? We can save this for another night if you're not up to it."

Buffy shook her head adamantly. "No, I want to do this, and I am avoiding Willow. I know I shouldn't, but..." Spike just shrugged. Since he wasn't feeling terribly friendly towards the girl, he wasn't one to be blaming Buffy for her reticence in seeing her. "What were you up to tonight?" she asked.

"Had to see Clem," Spike replied. "Told him I'd give him a hand with a sofa." He settled in on the couch next to her, putting an arm around her shoulders. "You want to start?"

"Giles thinks our child is going to be a target," Buffy informed him. "I guess the coven was worried enough to send Willow back slightly ahead of schedule."

Spike didn't like the sound of that, although he wasn't surprised. "Figured as much. What about Dawn?"

"Pretty much the same thing, but he agreed with keeping her close and making sure someone is with her at all times," Buffy replied. "There isn't much more we can do without making her go crazy about being watched all the time."

He nodded. "Reckon she likes the attention enough at this point, but you know next time she gets asked out with friends we're going to have to figure something out."

Buffy sighed. "Yeah, I know. Maybe we could get a tracer put on her or something."

Spike chuckled. "You gonna tell her about that tracer?"

"Sometimes it's easier to just apologize for it after the fact."

They sat in almost comfortable silence for a few minutes, until Spike spoke up. "So, you wanted to talk?"

He felt her sigh. "Yeah, but just sitting here is really nice."

They both had quick tempers, and Spike knew they were both likely to leap to the wrong conclusions. "Tell you what, pet. You can just talk, and I'll promise not to get mad, if you'll do the same."

"Okay." There was a long pause, and Spike began to think that she wasn't going to say anything after all; he certainly wasn't going to force her to tell him what was going through that pretty little head of hers. Buffy got very irritated when he pressed her. "It's not that I don't want you to move in, or that I don't want to get married to you. This whole thing just kind of freaked me out."

Spike had to bite back a smirk. "I'm scared too, luv."

"I thought you were happy about this."

"Sure I am, but that doesn't mean I'm not scared, Buffy." Spike hesitated, adding, "Maybe it's not as bad for me because I knew I was goin' to be with you forever. The fact that you're pregnant doesn't change anything for me."

Buffy turned, her expression impatient. "I didn't have any plans to find a different boyfriend, Spike."

"Not wanting anyone else, and suddenly being presented with the idea that you're actually stuck with someone are two completely different things," Spike replied. "Besides, I know this puts one more burden on you, Buffy."

Buffy shook her head. "It shouldn't be a burden."

"Doesn't mean it's not."

She leaned back against him again. "I think it's a good idea for you to move in."

"What about the social workers?"

"I'll talk to them about it," Buffy said. "Dawn's doing really well in school this year, and she's old enough that they might not care as much as long as she's doing okay."

Spike noticed that she didn't say anything about telling them that he was her fiancé. "Might make sense for me to move in anyway, if you're pregnant. It wouldn't just be about living in sin then."

"If you still wanted to, I wouldn't mind it."

"Moving in?" Spike asked, not quite sure what Buffy was referring to. "Yeah, you know I'll do whatever I can to help, Buffy."

"No, not that," she replied quickly. "Or, that too, but you know. Telling them we're getting married."

Spike shifted so he could see her expression. "You want to tell them we're getting married?"

"Only if we're actually going to do it at some point," Buffy said. "I don't want to lie about something like that."

Spike blinked, feeling as though she'd just pulled the rug out from under him once again. He had no idea where this was coming from, not after she'd seemed to be so adamantly against it the other night. "Is this what you want?"

"I don't know what I want right now, Spike," she said honestly. "What I do know is that I don't want to be with anyone else, and that isn't going to change. I love you."

He could read the truth in her eyes, and it was such a gift. There were still days that Spike could hardly believe that this was his life—that Buffy was his, and he was hers, in every way that mattered. "Could get a ring," he suggested. "We wouldn't have to set a date. We could just enjoy bein' engaged for awhile."

Buffy nodded. "That sounds perfect."

He kissed her then, reveling in her warmth, in the feeling of her fingers threaded through his hair and clenched in his shirt. Spike didn't mind change, as long as he still had Buffy.

~~~~~

"Taste," Spike said, holding out a spoon.

Dawn leaned in and tasted the sauce obediently, nodding enthusiastically. "That's perfect."

After the first time that Tara put Spike in charge of the spaghetti sauce, when he added too much red pepper, Dawn had become his taster. As Spike had pointed out when they'd complained, he liked things spicy, and he didn't know how much was too much for the rest of them.

"Good," he said, reaching down to pick up Merlin, who had draped himself across Spike's boot. "And let's get this fur ball somethin' to eat as well."

Dawn smirked. Spike acted as though he didn't like the kitten, but she knew better. While Merlin adored Tara and would happily drape himself across her lap whenever he had the opportunity, Spike was his favorite alternative. "So how come you're the one cooking tonight?"

"Tara worked all day," Spike replied. "It's only fair that she get off her feet for a bit. How are the lessons coming?"

Dawn shrugged. "Good. I've opened a couple more portals, but I haven't actually gone anywhere, you know? Tara thought it might be possible for me to open a door somewhere else, like L.A. or something, but we haven't tried it yet."

He nodded. "Long as there's someone with you when you do."

"I know that," Dawn replied, tired of the repeated warnings.

She was a little surprised by the look Spike gave her—serious and somehow sad. "We worry about you, Bit. You know it'd gut us if anythin' happened to you."

Dawn was quiet, feeling a warm glow as she watched Spike pour a saucer of milk for Merlin. "I know," she finally said. "And I'm not going to do something stupid, Spike. I think I've grown out of that."

"You never grow out of it completely," Spike replied with a smile. "But it's good to know that you're goin' to be responsible about this."

"What are you going to do about Willow?" Dawn asked.

He raised an eyebrow and checked on the pasta. "What do you mean?"

"Are you still mad at her?"

"Reckon I am a bit," he replied.

"Because of the curse?"

"No, because of Rack. The curse didn't hurt me, just annoyed the hell out of me for a couple of days." Spike turned to look at her, apparently satisfied with dinner's progress. "Why do you ask?"

Dawn shrugged. "No reason. It's just that I was talking to Tara about it yesterday. I didn't know if I wanted her to come back."

"And now that she's here?" Spike asked.

Dawn shook her head. "I guess that will depend on what she does."

Their eyes met, and Dawn knew that Spike not only understood, but that he felt the same way. It was one of the reasons that she loved him so much; Spike understood her.

Dawn heard a perfunctory knock on the door, and then Xander called out, "Is anyone home?"

"Come in, Xander," Dawn heard Buffy say. There was a long pause, and then she said, "Hey, Willow."

Dawn glanced at Spike, and he nodded for her to go. She could see her sister and Willow hugging in the hallway, and Dawn knew that Buffy had at least made progress in coming to terms with what Willow had done.

"Hey, Dawn," Xander said, throwing a friendly arm across her shoulders. "How's it going?"

She grinned up at him. "Good."

Xander was a lot more fun now that he wasn't drinking—or moping—quite as much. Dawn had helped him work on the basement a couple of times, and he'd been very patient, teaching her which tool was which and what each was used for.

"When are we eating?" he asked. "Because I'm hungry."

Dawn shrugged. "I don't know. You'll have to ask Spike."

"Spike's cooking?" Xander asked in mock-alarm. "I'd better go make sure he's not burning down the kitchen."

Dawn knew immediately that he was extricating himself from any impending awkwardness, since Tara was standing in the doorway of the living room, and Willow was looking at her with ill-disguised longing. "Hey," Willow said quietly.

"Hi, Willow," Tara replied. She immediately looked away, finding Dawn's eyes. "How is Spike doing?"

Dawn offered her the escape she seemed to want. "He could probably use your help," she lied.

Tara nodded. "I should go check on dinner."

Willow looked at Dawn next. "Hi, Dawnie."

For a moment, Dawn gave serious consideration to ignoring Willow's greeting completely, or at least offering her only a chilly hello. She could see the pain in the woman's eyes, the longing and uncertainty, and Dawn understood that it was probably just as hard for Willow to be back in Sunnydale as it was for them to have her there.

"Hey, Willow," Dawn said, giving her a smile. "It's good to have you back."

Amazingly enough, it was the truth, even if it was only for old time's sake.

~~~~~

As badly as the dinner might have gone, Giles was pleasantly surprised at how well it did go. He also noted that Spike and Buffy seemed much more comfortable with one another, which meant that whatever tension remained was due to Willow's presence.

Tara had arranged the seating so that she was at the opposite end of the table from her ex-girlfriend, and Giles wondered how Willow would deal with Tara's obvious reluctance to be in her presence. It was going to be a difficult transition for both of them, considering that they had the same group of friends.

Still, everyone seemed to be doing their best to ignore the awkwardness that lingered between Xander and Anya, and Willow and Tara. It probably helped that there were more pressing issues to discuss, such as Dawn's progress with opening gateways and Buffy's pregnancy.

Even there, however, Giles could tell that Willow was trying to ignore the hurt Buffy had caused by not telling her the news earlier.

Once dinner was over, Giles stood with Tara and began to help her clear the table. "Do you need any help?" Willow asked, sounding hopeful.

Tara shook her head. "It's okay. It won't take me very long to clean up."

He followed her into the kitchen, watching her with concern. "How are you, Tara? I haven't had a chance to speak with you since I got back into Sunnydale."

"I'm okay," she answered truthfully. "It's hard, but I knew it was going to be difficult."

Giles nodded. "I do believe she's changed."

Tara shook her head. "It's not that."

"I see." Giles thought that he did. He remembered watching Jenny Calendar, still loving her, and yet somehow blaming her for Angelus' appearance. He also remembered refusing any idea of a relationship with her until it was nearly too late—and then it had been too late. "If you still love her, Tara—"

"I don't." Tara's eyes were full of pain. "I don't—I can't feel that way about her anymore. I hadn't even realized until I saw her tonight."

"It's a different kind of loss," Giles acknowledged.

Tara nodded. "I think Willow still feels the same way about me."

"I know," Giles replied, affirming her guess.

Tara turned back to the dishes. "I'll start washing if you want to finish clearing the table," she suggested.

Giles nodded and turned to go back into the dining room, seeing Willow standing in the doorway with a stricken expression on her face. She fled immediately, and Giles knew that Tara hadn't seen her standing there.

He shook his head. It was never easy to return home.

~~~~~

Ray shifted nervously. He didn't like magicians as a general rule; although he'd done a few things for Rack, the guy had always creeped him out. There had been a few other witches and magicians in Sunnydale, and all of them were the same.

He kept wondering what he was getting himself into. It had only been sheer luck on his part that the Slayer and her pet vampire hadn't found out about his role in kidnapping the kid. By participating in the Koral demon's scheme, Ray knew that he was tempting fate.

The money was good, though, and the Koral's teeth made it difficult to say no, which explained why he was sitting at a table at a demon bar in L.A., waiting for their buyer to join them. Supposedly, this demon needed big mojo to do whatever it was he did, and the Slayer's kid sis might be the missing ingredient he needed.

Whatever the demon wanted with the girl, he wanted it badly, because he was paying big bucks for their information.

The demon, a hulking monster with a jutting chin and tusks curving up over his top lip, sat down at their table with a menacing grin. "What's this I hear about a human form of energy?"

"He says he did a favor for Rack," the Koral demon said, jerking his head in Ray's direction.

Ray wanted to slide under the table when the demon turned his head to look at him. His narrow red eyes glowed with an unholy fire, and Ray began to think that he probably should have kept his mouth shut from the beginning.

"What do you know, human?" the demon growled.

"It's the Slayer's little sister," Ray said, finding his voice. "Rack wanted her because he said she was pure energy in human form."

The demon grinned broadly, but the sight was far from reassuring. "You're going to tell me everything you know about this child. If I like what I hear, I may not kill you."

Ray knew he should have kept his mouth shut.

~~~~~

Willow had found it easier than expected to find a job. Sunnydale Elementary needed a long-term substitute computer science teacher, and they were happy to have her. She'd enjoyed stepping in for Miss Calendar during her junior year of high school, and at the time, Willow had thought that she might like teaching. There was something soothing about being around the children, most of whom seemed to look up to her as someone very cool.

Willow had never really been cool; even after she'd discovered magic, her power had merely been an illusion. She had believed herself to be in control, even when she'd been losing everything that had ever mattered in her life.

Being back in Sunnydale, her losses were that much more evident.

She had to admit that she'd half-hoped that Tara would see the changes she'd made, that there was still a chance for them to be together again. Hearing Tara say that she was no longer in love with her had hurt more than Willow could say. It was worse than seeing the lingering distrust in Dawn's eyes, worse than seeing the hesitation on Buffy's face. Xander was the only one who still acted the same way around her, but that was only because Willow hadn't done him any harm.

She finished cleaning up the computer lab, and put the finishing touches on her lesson plan for the next day. Willow thought that she might change her major to education, even though it meant staying in school longer than she'd planned. Her mother would probably be disappointed if she didn't pursue a doctorate, but teaching was a respectable profession. There was a longstanding tradition of teaching in the Rosenberg family.

She wouldn't have to stay in Sunnydale, of course, but the option was there. Maybe if things worked out, if she could repair at least a little of the damage she'd done, she could stay. Otherwise, there would be other places, and a teaching degree was a useful thing to have.

Willow thought about going back to Xander's, but abruptly changed her mind, hoping that she would find Buffy at home. She felt like they needed to talk—like she needed to apologize one more time, to try and get across how sorry she was, and how she knew she'd messed up.

Somehow, Willow wasn't expecting Spike to open the door. "Uh, hi," she said, gulping. He hadn't been very friendly the other night, although he hadn't been rude either. More than anything else, Spike had ignored her presence; Willow didn't blame him, after what she'd done.

"Buffy's not here," he said, without waiting for her to ask. "She's out with Dawn, and I don't know when they'll be back."

Willow blinked. "Okay. Can—can I talk to you?"

Spike looked taken aback, but he reluctantly stepped aside to allow her entrance. "Rupert's at the Magic Box," he added, as though she'd wanted the Watcher.

Willow was just as glad that they had the house to themselves for what she wanted; she'd much rather this conversation take place in private. "I wanted to apologize to you," she began. "I—I didn't get the chance before."

Spike shrugged, looking uncomfortable. "You don't have to do that."

"Yes, I do," she said firmly. "It was none of my business. I was angry and upset about things that I couldn't control, and I targeted you. I was wrong."

Those last three words were the hardest words she'd ever had to say, harder than "I'm sorry." You could be sorry for what you'd done without admitting fault, Willow had learned, and it had taken weeks for the coven to break through her carefully constructed vision of herself as always being right.

Spike stared at her, the astonishment on his face almost worth the effort it had taken. His face softened, and he nodded slowly. "'s okay," he said. "Didn't figure anyone would think I'm all that good for Buffy."

"You have been, though," Willow replied. "She's happier now than she's been in a long time."

That brought a real smile to his face. "We're gettin' there. You want something to drink?" he asked. "I've got tea."

"That would be good," Willow said tentatively. "If you're not busy."

"Daylight," Spike said, gesturing in the general direction of outside. "I was just going to watch the Passions episode I taped."

Willow smiled. "I'll join you, if you don't mind."

It felt like a pretty good beginning.

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