Brace Yourself by Enigmaticblue

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Chapter 5: Forgiveness and Stuff

"Steal my heart and hold my tongue/I feel my time, my time has come/Let me in, unlock the door/I've never felt this way before/And the wheels just keep on turning/The drummer begins to drum/I don't know which way I'm going/I don't know which way I've come/Hold my head inside your hands/I need someone who understands/I need someone, someone who hears/For you, I've waited all these years/For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come/Until my day, my day is done/And say you'll wait to set me free/Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me/In your tears and in your blood/In your fire and in your flood/I hear you laugh, I heard you sing/I wouldn't change a single thing..." ~Coldplay, "'Til Kingdom Come"

Spike opened the door, ushering their guests inside without meeting Willow's eyes. "I told Buffy to have a lie-down," he said. "She should be down in a bit if you want to wait."

"How is she doing?" Giles asked, the concern in his voice nearly tangible. "She didn't seem to be suffering too many symptoms when I spoke with her the other day."

Spike shrugged. "She just started having the morning sickness yesterday. Today was the worst, but we've got a doctor's appointment in a couple days. Maybe they'll have a solution."

"Where is Dawn?" Xander asked. "I thought she'd be here."

Spike looked uncomfortable. "Think she's at the Magic Box, pickin' Anya's brain." He was still avoiding Willow's eyes; he didn't like the girl, although not because of what she'd done to him. Spike viewed the curse as the catalyst that had caused Buffy to figure out her feelings for him that much sooner.

What Spike found it impossible to forgive was the harm done to Dawn; he wasn't sure that he'd ever be completely comfortable in Willow's presence—mostly because he was trying not to think about killing her.

"I'll have to go over there later," Giles said.

Spike nodded, relieved that no one was going to press him for answers as to why Buffy and Dawn weren't anxious to see Willow again. He wasn't sure he could remain tactful.

"Maybe we should go," Willow suggested, looking at Xander. "We could come back later when Buffy's feeling better."

Spike knew that he should probably protest, or at least offer to let Buffy know they were leaving, but he didn't want to. "Yeah. I can give you a call, Harris."

Xander met his eyes, seeing his meaning without any trouble. "Sure. Maybe later tonight, if Buffy's feeling up to it."

They left, and Giles gave him a sharp look. "How is Buffy taking this really?"

"She's not happy," Spike replied. "She'd rather it not have happened."

Giles sighed. "I can certainly understand her feelings on the matter. It does complicate things. She's chosen to keep the child, though?"

"Yeah," Spike replied. "Think she's doing it more for me, though."

"And how are you doing with things?" Giles asked, following Spike into the kitchen, watching as the vampire put the kettle on without being asked.

Spike hesitated, not sure how honest he could be with the Watcher. "I'm thrilled," he finally admitted. "Feel a bit guilty for that, though, since Buffy's so unhappy." He turned to look at Giles, a smile tilting the corners of his lips. "It's my child."

"It's a natural reaction, Spike," Giles responded. "I'm sure I'd feel much the same. Have you two talked about arrangements? I'm assuming that you'll be moving in to help out."

Spike shrugged, not wanting to air his and Buffy's differences in public. Although they hadn't fought about him moving in again, or their getting married, Spike hadn't brought it up. "We're still talking about it," was all he said. "Tea?"

~~~~~

Buffy had heard the others come in; the noise had woken her from her nap. The last couple of days had sucked, to put it mildly. If this was the way the whole nine months was going to be, Buffy didn't think she could be held responsible for her bitchiness.

She hated to admit it, even to herself, but it was a relief to hear Willow suggest that she and Xander come back later. Buffy didn't know what to say to Willow these days, not after what she'd done to Spike and Dawn. Buffy wanted to forgive her friend; she wanted Willow back in her life again.

Buffy just didn't know if it was possible.

She would have to see Willow eventually, however, and Buffy knew that they would need her help in the coming months. Things had been pretty quiet on the Hellmouth lately, which could only mean one thing: things were about to get interesting again.

As soon as Xander and Willow had gone, Buffy came down the stairs, stopping just outside of the kitchen when Giles asked Spike how she was doing with things. Listening to Spike's responses, hearing the quiet joy in his voice when he said, "It's my child," reminded her that they still hadn't really talked about their fight from the other night.

Buffy knew that she wasn't being entirely fair to him.

She waited for a moment before entering the kitchen, wanting to be sure that her eavesdropping wasn't obvious. "Hi, Giles."

"Buffy." He greeted her with an affectionate embrace. "How are you?"

"I'm hanging in there," she replied with a rueful smile. "This pregnancy stuff isn't for sissies."

He smiled, but Buffy could see the concern lingering in his eyes. "We should probably talk about this." Giles glanced at Spike. "Perhaps—"

"I've got an errand to run," Spike said quickly. "I'll see you both later."

Buffy realized that Spike was going to leave without any more of a farewell than that, and she quickly followed him as he headed toward the front door. "Spike, wait."

He half-turned. "Need me to pick something up, pet?"

Buffy didn't bother with words; she sucked at finding the right thing to say, so she wasn't even going to try this time. Instead, she grabbed his arm and bodily turned him to face her, then pulled his head down to hers.

She could feel his indecision as he tried to decide whether or not to respond, but he softened in the end and returned her embrace. When she finally broke it off to breathe, he murmured, "What was that for?"

"That was me telling you that I want to talk later," Buffy replied. "And to say sorry for being a bitch."

Spike's thumb caressed her cheekbone. "You haven't been that bad, Buffy. Maybe a bit cranky, but I'm not the best of company when I'm not feelin' well either."

"Yeah, but you're a vampire, and you never get sick," she pointed out. "Which means you're pretty much the one who has to put up with me."

He smiled. "Puttin' up with you is what I do best."

"We'll talk later?" she persisted.

"I'll talk about whatever you want," Spike said. "If you still want to patrol, I'll bet Giles would stay with Dawn."

Buffy gave him a rueful smile. "If my stomach is settled. Otherwise, I say we head to your place."

Spike gave her the smirk that made her go weak in the knees. "Sounds about right to me. It'll give me an opportunity to give you a proper seeing to."

"I'm going to hold you to that," she warned him.

"Good to know," he replied, giving her a quick kiss before picking up his blanket to dash out the door for the sewer entrance.

Buffy turned to go back to the kitchen, and Giles met her with a cup of tea. "Are you two okay?"

She raised an eyebrow. "I didn't think you liked Spike."

"He grows on a person." Giles' expression was bemused. "Spike is the man you're with, however, and you are connected to him for good or ill."

"I hope it's for good. We had an argument a couple of weeks ago," Buffy admitted. "We're still working it out."

"I can only assume that it had something to do with the pregnancy." It was Giles' way of gently prying.

Buffy sighed. "There's an issue with social services, and how they might feel about a live-in boyfriend; Spike thought that if we got engaged, it would take care of the problem."

Giles raised an eyebrow. "Well, I can certainly see why you wouldn't want to get married to Spike."

"I never said that!" Buffy protested. "It's—it's too much, Giles. Everything is changing all at once, and with Willow back now, and Dawn exploring this power of hers... It's like it's all spinning out of control, and I can't do anything to stop it."

"I do wish I could make things easier on you, Buffy."

Something in Giles' voice clued Buffy in that what he had to say, she wasn't going to like. "What is it, Giles? The coven wanted Willow to come back." She felt a thrill of fear. "Please don't tell me that my child is part of some prophecy."

Buffy might not be thrilled with the idea of becoming a mother, but she was very sure that she did not want her kid to have some kind of grand destiny. She wanted her child to have choices.

"Not as far as I know," Giles responded. "I haven't heard of any prophecy that would pertain to your situation, but the fact remains that once word gets out, there is every possibility that you and the child will become a target."

"I'm always a target, Giles," Buffy replied bitterly. "There's nothing new about that."

"You might feel differently when it's your child being threatened as well," Giles pointed out. "The coven believes that there may be a serious threat on the horizon, and there is also the matter of Dawn."

"What about Dawn?" Buffy asked, immediately on the defensive. "Do you think I shouldn't have let her do this, Giles?"

Giles shook his head. "No, of course not. Dawn's skill could save her life, and the lives of others, should she need to get herself or others out of a difficult situation. However, gateways to other dimensions are difficult to create for the most powerful magicians."

Buffy knew what he was getting at immediately. Dawn would no longer be in danger because she was the Slayer's sister; she would be in danger because she was the Key. "What am I going to do Giles? I can't have her unlearn this stuff."

"I honestly don't know," Giles admitted. "I do think that she shouldn't go off by herself, at least until you're certain of her ability."

Buffy nodded. "We've been pretty careful about someone being with her, and she isn't supposed to be opening doorways by herself."

"I think that's about all you can do," Giles said. "There certainly isn't any way to keep Dawn from the rest of the world."

"Not without her killing me," Buffy agreed.

~~~~~

"I cleaned out the other room for you," Xander said. "I know it's not very big, but—"

"It's better than living with my parents," Willow said quickly. "This is great, Xander. Thank you."

He shrugged, obviously uncomfortable with her gratitude, but then Xander had always been generous to his friends. "Mi casa is su casa. Anything I can do to help, you know I'm there for you, Will."

"Does Buffy hate me?"

Willow could see that her question had disturbed him, probably because honesty held the possibility of causing serious hurt. "She doesn't hate you," Xander finally said slowly. "You know how Buffy is; it takes her a while to let stuff go."

Willow nodded. "And Spike?"

Xander ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know, but if I had to guess, I don't think Spike cares that you almost got him killed. It's Dawn he cares about."

That was one person that Willow wasn't looking forward to seeing—Dawn and Tara, actually. She had hurt both of them horribly, and she knew exactly how they felt about her now, or how they'd felt a few months ago. It wasn't like she'd given them a reason to change their minds recently.

"Maybe you should get some rest," Xander suggested gently, after the silence had stretched on. "You're probably pretty jet-lagged. I'll let you know when Buffy's up and about."

Willow gave Xander a look. "Do you really think that's going to be any time today?"

"I don't know," he replied. "I guess it'll just depend on how she's feeling."

Willow went into the tiny bedroom and closed the door behind her. Xander had warned her that it wasn't much bigger than a closet, and he hadn't been exaggerating. As she'd told him, it was better than staying with her parents, and Willow hadn't dared ask Buffy if she could move back in.

She had every intention of going back to UC Sunnydale for the spring semester, but Willow hadn't known how long she would be with the coven, and so she'd already arranged to take the semester off. At the moment, she planned on getting a job to help Xander out with the rent, and then giving Buffy whatever help the Slayer would accept from her.

Giles kept telling her that it would take time; Willow just hoped that she not only had the patience to wait it out, but also that she had what it took to deal with whatever emergency the Hellmouth threw at them.

Willow had a much harder time believing that she knew what was right, or that she knew what she was doing these days.

~~~~~

"You know you're going to have to go home at some point," Tara said, watching Dawn pretend to read the thick book in front of her. "Giles and Willow arrived two hours ago."

Dawn made a face. "I don't know what to say to her."

Tara sighed. "It would be good if you could forgive her, Dawn."

"Why?" the girl demanded. "She nearly got Spike killed. Willow almost got me killed. If she hadn't taken me to Rack's, he wouldn't have—" Dawn stopped abruptly.

Tara had sensed that Dawn still hadn't recovered from her ordeal at Rack's hands, but she hadn't really seen the depth of her hurt. Dawn's anger made a lot more sense in that light, given that Rack was dead, and therefore beyond her ability to hurt. Willow, however, was a convenient target, and Dawn wanted to blame someone.

In all honesty, Tara couldn't fault her for it.

"You're right, sweetie," Tara said gently. "Willow made a terrible mistake, and it will be something that she has to live with for the rest of her life. She knows how you feel about her; don't you think that causes her pain?"

Dawn slumped down in her chair. "Tara, I don't know if I can forgive her. I just—I can't. After what Rack did..."

"And if he hadn't done what he did, you wouldn't know that you're still the Key," Tara pointed out reasonably. "You might be able to save someone's life someday with that skill, Dawnie. Good could come out of this."

From the expression on Dawn's face, it was clear that she didn't want to be reasonable, nor did she want to see the positive in what had undoubtedly been a horrible situation. Tara watched the emotions play across her face, watched as she struggled with her desire to hang on to her anger, and also with her better nature. When Dawn sighed, Tara knew that the battle was half won.

"I still don't know how to forgive her," Dawn admitted. "I just don't."

"Give yourself time," Tara replied. "That's all you can do."

"Have you forgiven her?" Dawn asked. "You know, for everything she did to you?"

Tara sighed. It was a complex question, if only because she still loved Willow. Tara still remembered the girl she had fallen for, the woman who had been the bright spot in her existence. Tara missed the person she had loved.

"I've forgiven Willow," Tara said. "Hating her doesn't do anyone any good, and it only hurts me. But I can't trust her again, and I'm sorry for that."

Dawn nodded slowly in understanding. "Just because you forgive somebody doesn't mean you go back to where you started."

"Something like that," Tara said. "Are you ready to go?"

Dawn nodded. "Yeah. I guess so."

~~~~~

Anya hadn't been lying when she said her date had gone well. Henry was a very nice man, and the fact that he was half Brachen demon meant that he didn't bat an eyelash at the fact that she had been a vengeance demon at one point. The problem was that after the second date, it was becoming obvious that there wasn't any chemistry between them.

Not like there had been with Xander.

That was the problem right there; Anya was still in love with Xander. She'd never stopped loving him, and she knew that he still felt the same way about her, even though he was trying to be nice about the fact that she was dating someone else.

She probably should have called it off after the second date, but Anya had been determined to give Henry an honest chance, and so she'd gone on a third date, and then a fourth. He had been sweet, and a gentleman, and they'd had some very nice dinners and even nicer conversations. Anya had forgotten how pleasant it could be to hang out with another demon, or someone who wasn't human anyway.

On the fifth date, Henry took her home and walked her to her door. "This isn't working, is it?" he asked. "I like you, but..."

"No chemistry?" Anya asked with a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. "I guess I'm just not ready to date again."

"Same here," Henry replied.

Anya nodded sympathetically; he'd recently been dumped as well, which was probably why Spike had thought they'd hit it off. "Maybe we could go out again, though?" she asked hopefully. "I've had a lot of fun."

Henry smiled, his red eyes lighting up. "I'd really like that. The worst part about getting dumped is the loneliness."

"That's it exactly," she agreed. "I'll give you a call."

Henry gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek and left. Anya walked into her small apartment; Tara had been a huge help in that department, just as she'd promised. She wasn't as lonely as she might have been; her job, helping Dawn with her new-found skill, and working with the other Scoobies took up a good part of her time.

There was a part of her that would have preferred to cut off all contact with Xander, because seeing him just reminded her how much she missed him.

The light on her answering machine was blinking when she got in, and Anya hit the play button. "Hey, Anya, this is Buffy. I just wanted to let you know that we're having dinner here tomorrow night for everybody, and you're invited. Don't worry about having to eat my cooking; Spike and Tara are taking care of it. We're eating at six, but feel free to come earlier. See you then!"

Anya sighed. Xander would be there, of course, as would Willow. On the other hand, Tara could probably use the moral support, and Anya felt obligated to provide it. Tara had been very nice, and Anya wanted to see Giles. 

She couldn't help but think about the fact that if Xander hadn't called off the wedding, they would have been married by now. Anya would have been Mrs. Harris, and they would have been snug in their own little apartment, working out what being married meant.

Maybe they hadn't been ready, but Anya would have liked to try.

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