Brace Yourself by Enigmaticblue

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Chapter 3: Decisions

"I look out my bedroom window pane/Every day, but the view just stays the same/I was young I would run from this place/Come back home and then start it all again/I know just what I want, I know just what I need/It's a big old house and it's coming back to haunt me/ We'll be alright, we'll be easy/Don't look back/Don't look back/Just c'mon, c'mon, c'mon/ Look around at the people in this place/I'm afraid that we'll end up the same way/So let's rise, dye our hair, and change our names/Make a wish and just blow it all away." ~Guster, "C'Mon"

Willow concentrated on the meditation exercise that her mentor had asked her to practice. Over the last couple of months with the coven, Willow had worked very hard at developing a sense of connection with the earth, rather than actually working spells. The difference, her mentors had pointed out time and time again, was that when she felt how everything was connected, she would understand why it was important to work with the natural order, and not against it.

She could admit now, at least to herself, how far off she'd been in trying to control Buffy and Spike; Willow had been horribly, horribly wrong, but that had really been the least of her crimes.

Spike, after all, had survived, and Buffy had managed to both lift the curse that Willow had placed on him as well as strengthen their relationship.

No, Willow could admit that the worst of her crimes had been to resurrect Buffy. Not only had she destroyed the natural order, but she had also sacrificed an innocent creature to further her own ends, and she had hurt Buffy terribly. Now that she understood a little better what all of that meant, Willow knew that they might have to face serious consequences down the road because of what she'd done.

When she'd first arrived, Willow hadn't thought much about any of that. She had been feeling bad, still raw from the spell that Tara, Dawn and Giles had performed, and she'd reasoned that by getting some training, the others would be that much more likely to forgive her.

Once she'd been there for a couple of weeks, however, and had begun to understand what Tara had tried to explain to her for all those years—

The guilt had been almost overwhelming.

As she'd gained control and focus, her mentors had shown her several meditation exercises to go back and examine memories, points in her life that had shaped her. Willow had recognized that she had a need to control others around her, a desire to appear powerful and competent, and a complete inability to admit when she'd done wrong.

That had hurt to admit.

The more time that went by, the better understanding Willow had, and the more she dreaded going back to Sunnydale. Maybe her friends would forgive her for what she'd done, but Willow didn't see how they would ever be able to trust her again, and she found herself longing for that trust.

There had been a time when her friends had looked upon her as "the reliable one," and while she'd chafed under the distinction at the time, Willow wanted that back now. But her mom had always been fond of telling her that a reputation was hard to build and easy to break, and Willow understood that now like she never had before.

In all honesty, Willow didn't think she'd ever be ready to go back to Sunnydale. In any case, she had so much to learn that she couldn't even contemplate leaving the coven for months—maybe even years. It was safe here, around people who could and would control her if necessary, people who hadn't known the old Willow or the new one, but had instead always known her as simply Willow.

Willow glanced down at the moist earth, watching as the flower emerged from the ground, unfolding itself into the damp English air.

She had learned to create beauty here; Willow didn't want to leave that behind.

"Audra told me I might find you out here."

Giles voice broke into her thoughts, and she glanced up, offering him a wary smile. "Hi, Giles."

"How are you?" he asked kindly.

Giles had been kind from the moment he had called off the spell; Willow had never had to find out precisely how he saw her these days, and for that she would be eternally grateful. "I'm good. How—how are you?"

Willow wanted to ask about the others, whether Giles had heard from any of them, and whether they had asked after her. She was too afraid to ask the question, however; what if they didn't care anymore? They would have every right just to write her off and forget that she'd ever existed.

"I'm well." He hesitated. "So are the others."

Willow nodded. The only person she'd heard from was Xander, but that didn't surprise her, given the fact that he was the only person she hadn't hurt horribly. "That's good."

"I wanted to talk to you about going back," he said gently.

Willow immediately shook her head. "I can't, Giles. I'm not ready. Audra told you that, right?"

"She told me the exact opposite, actually," he responded. "Audra believes that you're ready to go back to Sunnydale."

"Giles—"

"Do you not want to go back because you believe that you aren't ready, or because you're afraid that they won't accept you?" he asked.

Willow sighed, feeling compelled to be honest with him. "Mostly that they won't accept me," she admitted. "But I don't know that I'm not going to give into temptation, either."

"No one does," Giles pointed out. "When I decided to become a Watcher, I did not know that I would be able to resist the pull of Eyghon, but I did."

"But there were consequences," Willow pointed out.

Giles gave her one of his patented looks, the one that indicated she was being stupid. "There are always consequences, Willow."

"Why now?" she asked.

He shook his head. "There are various reasons, but perhaps the most important right now is the fact that the coven believes that Dawn may be in danger. While we had once believed that her identity as the Key was gone when Glory was defeated, it is apparent that we were mistaken." Giles hesitated. "And the coven believes that trouble may be coming from another area as well."

Willow frowned. "What other area?"

"We're waiting for more information," Giles replied vaguely.

His tone led Willow to believe that Giles knew something that he wasn't willing to tell her. "When do I leave?" she asked. "And has anyone told Buffy yet?"

Giles smiled. "Would you like me to call her, or do you want to do it?"

Willow sighed. "I guess it should probably be me."

He patted her on the shoulder. "Let me know when you want to call. I'll talk to her, too."

"That's probably a good idea," Willow said weakly. She had no idea how Buffy was going to react to the news that she was coming home; she just hoped that the Slayer could forgive her.

~~~~~

Spike raised an eyebrow when Buffy ushered him inside the house. "Did you already eat?" she asked.

"Just a bit ago, yeah," he replied. "What's up, luv? Thought we were patrolling tonight."

Buffy sighed. "I think we need to talk."

"Talk about what?"

"About us."

Spike got a sinking feeling in his gut. He didn't like the sound of that. "Alright."

"It's about the thing that we were talking about last night," Buffy said slowly. Leading him over to the couch and taking a seat.

Spike frowned, sinking down next to her. "Okay."

"Itookapregnancytest."

She said it so quickly that Spike had a hard time deciphering her meaning. "You what?"

"I took a test. To see if I'm pregnant," Buffy said. "I was thinking about what you said the other night, and I wanted to rule it out, you know."

Somehow, Spike didn't think that's what had happened. "Came up positive?"

"Yes."

It was almost a whisper. Spike ran a hand over his face. "Right, then. What are we gonna do about it, luv?"

"I don't know," Buffy replied. "I mean, I'm not ready to be a mom, Spike. I have a hard enough time with Dawn. How am I going to handle a baby?"

Spike swallowed. He wanted this child with a passion that startled him. "I don't know, Buffy, but I'll help. You know I'll do whatever I can for you."

She looked startled for a moment, then asked incredulously, "Do you think I'd get rid of it?"

"It's an option, innit?" Spike asked. "You could, if that's what you wanted."

Buffy swallowed audibly. "Is that what you want?"

"Not about that, is it?" Spike pointed out stolidly.

She glared at him. "Actually, it really is."

Looking away, then back at her, he sighed. "You think I'm ever gonna have another shot at this, Buffy? I never thought I'd have a kid, but I don't want to lose the opportunity. It's a part of me; it ties us together."

"You don't think I feel the same way?" she demanded. "You're the only man I want to be with, Spike, and so this is pretty much my only shot as well."

"You were the one who said you weren't ready," he shot back with a scowl.

Buffy flopped back onto the couch. "I'm not."

"But you still want to keep the baby?"

"Yeah. I mean, I haven't thought about it a lot. I'm still in shock, but yeah."

Spike nodded slowly, letting out an unneeded breath. "Right. Then we're in this together."

"Aren't we always?" Buffy asked.

He touched her cheek. "Yeah, that's the truth."

~~~~~

"I think this is the one we want."

Dawn looked up in relief. Merlin was asleep in Tara's lap, having worn himself out with the string. Tara had called Buffy earlier that evening, letting her know that Dawn would be spending the night with her, although Dawn didn't think they were going to have much fun. Research was interesting up to a certain point, and then it was just boring.

They had been at it all day, with a brief stop for dinner, and Dawn was beginning to feel a lot less left out. She'd always been annoyed when Buffy insisted that she not look at the magic books, or really help research in the past, but now she felt as though it had been a blessing in disguise.

Of course, the worst part was that now that she'd proved her mettle at researching, Buffy was probably going to make her help in the future.

"What kind of a spell is it?" Dawn asked.

Tara frowned as she read over the spell once again. "It's a spell to open a portal to another dimension, and it's going to need your blood."

Dawn's eyes widened. "Wait a minute. Isn't that moving a little fast? We should do something else first, to see if I'm really the Key."

Tara gave her a sympathetic look. "We know that, Dawn. You told me what you saw when you did the spell for true sight."

She sighed. "Yeah, but..."

"We're going to have to talk to Buffy first," Tara continued. "If she says it's okay, then we can do the spell."

"But what if—" Dawn stopped, remembering the last time her blood had been used to open a portal; it had cost her sister's life to close it.

"That was uncontrolled." Tara reached over to squeeze her hand. "I wouldn't suggest this unless I thought that it was safe."

"Okay." It was Dawn's greatest fear at this point—that she could be used to start the next apocalypse. The idea that her blood could open all the doors between worlds once again, causing Buffy to have to choose between sacrificing her sister and sacrificing herself—it had been enough to give her nightmares over the last months. Dawn wanted to learn how to control that ability, so she didn't have to wonder if it would mean the end of the world every time she got a paper cut.

"We'll talk to Buffy tomorrow," Tara said. "She told me that Spike was coming over tonight, and you know how much she hates being interrupted."

Dawn pulled a face. Although they had done a fairly good job not scarring her for life, it was still weird to think about them having sex a couple of rooms away. The idea had been nice in the abstract, when she'd wanted them to be together, but the reality was something else altogether. "That's probably a good idea," she agreed. "It's not like we're in a hurry."

~~~~~

Word on the street after Rack had died was that the Slayer had gone after him for daring to touch her little sister. There were whispers as to why Rack had wanted the girl, but nothing definitive, at least not until a witness came forward—one of the men Rack had hired to snatch Dawn off the street.

It had taken him a while to speak up about what he knew because he'd been more than a little worried about the Slayer finding out that he'd had a hand in the business. What had finally led him to speak out was overhearing a few demons discussing the various theories; they were divided as to whether Spike had been involved, and several seemed to think that grabbing the girl had been a mistake.

The lure of revealing that he had inside information had him speaking up. "That girl is special," Ray said, butting in on the conversation.

The demons paused, giving him dirty looks. Ray was known in Sunnydale as a human who would do a demon's dirty work; he was a bottom-feeder, a jackal—but he also generally knew what he was talking about. "What's that?" a Koral demon asked, its snake-like tongue hissing in and out of its mouth.

Ray shrugged. "Rack wanted the girl because she was special. He said she had enough power to keep him and his clients high for years."

Another demon of nondescript parentage perked up at that. "Do you think she'd be worth something?"

"Worth what?" a horned demon asked incredulously. "Worth getting killed by the Slayer? You know what happened to Rack."

"We could take the Slayer out," the Koral demon pointed out.

The horned demon, Bob, shook his head. "Forget it. You mess with the Slayer, you mess with Spike, too. That's what happened to Rack, you know. He pissed the both of them off, and then there was a witch with her, too."

The Koral gave Ray an intense stare. "What's so special about this girl?"

"Rack said her blood had energy, that she was energy concentrated in human form." He raised his hands, not wanting to get in any deeper. "I don't know anything more than that, man."

"I'm not a man," the Koral demon growled. He frowned, thinking. "I know a guy," he mused. "He likes interesting things. He might be interested in the girl." The demon grinned, baring several rows of shiny teeth. "Might be he would even pay for the information."

Ray liked the sound of that. "You need anything, you let me know," he offered. "I followed the kid around for a week or two, to learn her schedule. I could grab her again for you."

"Not yet," the Koral replied. "But when the time is right, I'll let you know."

~~~~~

They had decided to forego patrol that night in favor of talking. Buffy reflected that they actually did a lot of talking these days, in between patrolling together, having dinner with Dawn and sometimes Tara and Anya, and just hanging out. In fact, Buffy actually felt like she had a family now, for the first time in a long time.

Reflecting on that fact, Buffy began to believe that they might actually make it.

Buffy leaned up against Spike's chest on the couch, feeling his hand playing with the ends of her hair. "Do you want me to move in?" he asked.

"I don't know," Buffy admitted. "It would make sense, but I would have to be sure that social services isn't going to have a problem with my boyfriend living here." Spike was quiet for so long that Buffy started getting worried. "What are you thinking about?"

"What if I wasn't your boyfriend?" he asked.

Buffy frowned. "What else would you be?"

"Your fiancé."

Buffy blinked. "Huh?"

"If you told them you were getting married to me, it wouldn't look so bad, would it?" Spike said. "I could be here during the day, if you needed to go to work or class. Seems like it would be the best solution."

Buffy couldn't argue with that, but it seemed so sudden. She loved him, and Buffy couldn't think of anyone else she would rather spend the rest of her life with, but they were talking about becoming parents, and Spike moving in. It seemed—permanent.

"Never mind," Spike said, apparently taking her silence as disagreement. "We'll work it out another way."

"No," Buffy said quickly. "It's not that it's a bad plan, Spike. It's just—everything changed overnight, you know? It's so much."

"We wouldn't have to get married," Spike said quietly. "You could just tell them we're goin' to do it in the future. Tell them we don't have the money yet, with the baby on the way. By the time they figure out it's never gonna happen, Dawn will be too old for them to care."

Buffy felt a pang. "So you don't want to get married?"

"Well, it's obviously not what you want," Spike retorted.

Buffy sat up, the earlier mood completely broken. "Okay, you know what? Just—" Whatever she might have said was cut off by the ringing of the phone, which was probably a good thing. Buffy knew that if she'd finished that sentence, she would have regretted it.

"Hello?" she said as soon as she picked up the receiver.

"Hey, Buffy."

Buffy hadn't heard from Willow since the other girl had left for England, although she'd gotten updates from Xander and Giles. Truthfully, Buffy hadn't known what to say to her, and that fact hadn't changed. "Hey, Willow."

"How are you?" Willow's voice was tentative, cautious, and much less self-assured than it had been in a very long time. For some reason, that helped.

Buffy laughed. "Things are crazy here; that much hasn't changed. How are you?"

"I'm good." Willow paused. "I'm coming home."

There was a beat before Buffy could summon up the appropriate enthusiasm. "Okay. That's great."

"Giles thinks you might need me," Willow explained, sounding apologetic. "I guess the coven thinks that something might be going on with Dawn, and Giles said that there was something else coming up, but he couldn't tell me any more than that."

Buffy cursed silently. She assumed that Giles knew about the pregnancy already, probably through the same freaky way the coven thought that something was going on with Dawn. "Well, if you feel like you're ready to come back..."

"I don't," Willow said honestly. "But they think I need to." There was another, longer pause. "I'm really sorry, Buffy. I—I know I haven't apologized to Spike yet, and I feel like I should. And Dawn. I didn't get a chance to tell Dawn either, or Tara. I don't know—no, I know what happened, but I don't think I can talk about it over the phone."

"It's okay, Will," Buffy said quickly, cutting off whatever other apologies she was going to try to make. "We can talk about it when you get here."

"Giles wanted to talk to you, too," Willow said. "Do you mind?"

"No, put him on," Buffy replied.

Willow didn't say goodbye, but Buffy didn't blame her. Things were still very awkward between the two of them; she didn't think that it would ever be the same.

"Hello, Buffy," Giles said. "Willow told you that she's returning to Sunnydale."

It was a statement, not a question, and Buffy knew that he'd been listening to Willow's side of the conversation. "She did. You think it's a good idea?"

"I do. I think you're going to need someone very powerful, Buffy." He paused. "The coven—"

"How the hell did they know I was pregnant, Giles?" Buffy demanded.

She could almost hear him wince. "They have their seers, Buffy. Your child is going to be a target, you know. The child of the Slayer and a vampire will be an invaluable prize."

"And they think Dawn is still going to be a target," Buffy added. "Why, Giles?"

"She's still the Key, Buffy," Giles reminded her gently. "We all believed that whatever qualities Dawn's blood contained lapsed with Glory's death. There was no reason to believe differently, but it appears that wasn't the case."

Buffy sighed. "I know. I'll have to talk to her. When are you sending Willow home?"

"I'll probably accompany her," Giles replied. "I think we'll be there within the month. I wanted to give you all time." He hesitated. "Have you told Spike yet?"

"Tonight," Buffy replied. "We were just talking about it when Willow called."

"How did he react?"

"Better than I did," she admitted. "We're still exploring our options."

Giles was quiet for a moment. "Far be it from me to tell you how to live your life, Buffy, but I think it might be wise for Spike to move in. You will need the added protection."

"We were just talking about that," Buffy said. "Or we were planning on it."

"I'll let you get back to it, then." She could almost hear the wheels turn in his head as Giles tried to figure out the right thing to say. "Take care of yourself, Buffy."

"You, too."

She hung up and turned back to the living room where Spike was waiting for her, his face expressionless. Funny how easy it was to shut the communication down between them, given how close they normally were these days. "You heard?"

"Yeah."

His monosyllabic answer gave Buffy no idea what he was thinking. "Spike—"

"Look, Slayer, I don't know any more about this than you do," Spike burst out. "'ve never had a kid, an' I've never dated the bloody Slayer, or any of it, but I'm not lettin' you shut me out of this. It is my kid, an' I've got every right to make half the decisions."

Buffy sighed. "You're right."

Spike opened his mouth to argue, then stopped abruptly. "Huh?"

"We have time, Spike," Buffy said. "We've got at least another six months to figure all of this out."

He took a deep, unnecessary breath. "Right, then." Spike looked down at his hands, then back up at her. "So, Red's comin' back?"

"Yeah." Buffy shook her head. "I didn't know what to say."

She rarely knew what to say.

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