Brace Yourself by Enigmaticblue

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Chapter 19: Anxiety

"And what do I, and what do I, what do I need/to do to see myself in a better mood/And what do you, what do you, what do you need/to do to get yourself in a better mood/Well, there's not a lot for you to give if you're giving in/And there's not a lot for you to feel if you're not feeling it/You bring it up and bring it in and we'll get you fixed up in no time... 'Cause this love is all I have to give." ~Tegan and Sara, "Fix You Up"

Buffy strained to open the pickle jar, stifling a curse. She remembered how long it had taken to get her strength back when Giles had given her the drugs before the Cruciamentum, and it was likely to take longer this time with the amount that Travers had pumped into her system.

"Here." Spike plucked the jar out of her hands and twisted the lid off.

She pouted. "This really sucks."

"Should wear off in another couple of days," he replied, trying to encourage her.

Buffy shook her head. "Try another week at least. I remember how long it took to wear off the last time."

"At least you're in one piece," Spike said, and Buffy nodded reluctantly.

She'd only been home for a few hours; the doctor had insisted on keeping her overnight to make sure that the baby wasn't in any distress. In the end, Dr. Wilkes had given her a clean bill of health, but had warned her that there was still the possibility that there could be problems later on.

"I don't believe the drugs Travers used hurt the baby," Dr. Wilkes had explained. "But there's no telling what affect they had on its development in the long term."

Of course, that essentially meant that Buffy was forced to be patient, which was not one of her virtues.

"It's gonna be fine," Spike said, seeming to read her mind.

Buffy faced him. "And if it's not, Spike? If what Travers did..." She trailed off, unable to even voice her concerns. She just kept remembering the Slayer dream she'd had before Travers' men had snatched her, the one where her baby had been gone, beyond her reach. Travers might be dead, and the Council might be assuring her that they meant her and her child no harm, but that didn't mean it was over.

Spike put his hands on her shoulders, looking into her eyes. "We'll get through this," he promised in a low voice. "Whatever happens, we'll make it work."

Buffy moved closer, resting her forehead on his shoulder, marveling once again at how well they fit together. Spike's strong arms pulled her close.

"I'm so sorry," Spike murmured. "Should have been there."

"And I shouldn't have let them get the drop on me," Buffy shot back.

Spike raised an eyebrow. "What? We gonna fight about whose fault this is now?"

She grimaced, knowing that he was right; there was no use crying over spilled milk. "What are we going to do about Bracken?" she finally asked. "If you're moving in here—"

"I am moved in," Spike said. "Just have to shift a few more things is all. As for the boy, I already talked to Red about that. She's goin' to have to find another place to stay now that Xander an' Anya are married, an' I've got an apartment that's already been leased. Bracken's stayin' there anyway."

Buffy was a little surprised that Spike already had things settled. "You've got it all figured out, huh?"

"Had to do some quick thinkin'," Spike acknowledged. "Dawn likes him, and he's not so bad. From what she's said, he's better off here, with us."

Buffy shrugged. "He's a hero in my book, just for saving Dawn and sticking a knife in Travers. Honestly, if we needed to find a place for him, we could always let him stay in the basement, but your plan is probably the better option."

"Probably best not to put temptation under the same roof with the Bit," Spike murmured, catching her mouth with his.

Buffy let his kiss drive away all other thoughts, focusing instead on Spike and how good they were together.

If she let herself think about everything that could still go wrong, Buffy was certain that she'd go crazy.

~~~~~

Dawn had thought about some silly games to play, but after everything that had happened, it didn't seem like a good idea. Buffy was still on edge, and the fact that her strength was coming back to her so slowly only made it worse. She wondered if one of the reasons Giles had moved out so quickly was to get away from the Slayer's mood swings.

Well, that and he probably was a little tired of sleeping on the couch.

"Hey," Dawn said, opening the door to let Willow and Bracken inside. "Did you guys get the cake?"

"One cake coming right up," Willow assured her.

Bracken was carrying the cake box. "Where should I put it?"

"The kitchen is fine," Dawn said. "Have you guys talked to Giles?"

"A little while ago," Willow replied. "He was just finishing up at the Magic Box." She lowered her voice. "How's Buffy doing?"

Dawn shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. I think she's still freaking out, but the doctor said that everything looks good. Until she counts every finger and every toe, though, I don't think she's going to believe it."

"And Spike?"

"Pretty much the same, but he's trying to act positive for Buffy's sake." Dawn shrugged. "You wouldn't know Buffy's worried, but she keeps getting mad about little things. It's a sure sign."

"Dawn!" Buffy's voice rang through the house.

Dawn sighed. "Duty calls." She went upstairs and poked her head into Buffy and Spike's bedroom. "What?"

"Who's here?" Buffy asked.

"Willow and Bracken," Dawn replied. "Where's Spike?"

"I don't know," Buffy said shortly. "He said he had to go do something downstairs, and then he disappeared."

Dawn put her most innocent expression on, knowing that Spike was putting the finishing touches on the new crib. "Huh. Well, I'm sure he's almost done. He knows what time the party starts. Are you coming down?"

Buffy gestured to her clothing, which consisted of an ancient pair of pajama pants and an old t-shirt. "Does it look like I'm ready to come down? I don't have anything to wear. Nothing fits right now."

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Come on, Buffy. We went shopping for maternity stuff the other day."

She frowned. "It makes me look fat."

"No, what you're wearing makes you look fat," Dawn replied, not bothering to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. "We talked about this the other day. Tara, Willow and I all assured you that you didn't look fat. Spike assured you that you didn't look fat. Trust us."

Buffy let out a breath and slumped down on the bed. "What if this is all for nothing, Dawn?"

"What are you talking about?" Dawn asked carefully, sitting down beside her.

"What if the baby—"

Buffy didn't finish her sentence, but Dawn knew what she was trying to say. It would be pointless to have a baby shower if it turned out that there wasn't going to be a baby. "Why are you so worried?" Dawn asked. "I know that the doctor couldn't say that everything was okay for sure, but there's no indication that there's a problem now."

"I had this dream," Buffy confessed. "The night that Travers' men came. I was looking for him, but all I could find was an empty cradle, and a man told me that he was beyond my reach."

Dawn frowned. "But that was right before you got snatched, so it doesn't mean that's going to happen now." Then, realizing that Buffy had been using a specific pronoun, she asked, "I thought the doctor couldn't tell the sex for sure."

"It was a boy in my dream," Buffy replied softly. "I can't lose him, Dawn."

Dawn nodded. "I know, but you won't. Your dreams don't always predict the future. I mean, we fixed it, right? So everything is going to be fine." She went over to the closet and selected one of the maternity outfits that had looked particularly good on Buffy. "Here. I promise that this one doesn't make you look fat."

"Thanks." Buffy glanced up at her sister. "You did a great job, Dawnie."

Dawn knew that Buffy was referring to her role in the rescue. "Well, they did make me out of you," she replied. "It's about time that the hero genes started showing themselves."

~~~~~

Willow thought that the baby shower turned out rather well. Although she could tell that Buffy wasn't quite herself, seeming distracted and out of sorts, she reacted well to all the presents, including Spike's presentation of a crib, already put together. With their help, Spike had managed to finish the nursery in the last few days, complete with new paint, furniture, and everything else.

"Thanks for doin' this," Spike murmured.

Willow followed his gaze to Bracken, who was sitting next to Dawn, eating a piece of cake. She had agreed to take over Spike's apartment, complete with one slightly bewildered young man. In a way, it made sense, since he'd need a teacher to help him adjust, and that's what she was. She would be starting school again after the holidays, and it would be good practice, tutoring him.

"It's no problem," Willow replied, wondering at how far her relationship with the vampire had come. This time last year, she'd been planning on killing him; now, they were friendly, if not friends. "How are you and Buffy doing?"

Spike shook his head, worry creeping into his eyes. "She's going crazy over the idea that somethin' might be wrong with the baby that the doctors just don't know about yet. Reckon she won't settle until it's all over with."

"Any side effects from the drugs?" Willow asked.

Spike shook his head. "Don't think so. She's getting her strength back at least, an' I know that makes her feel better." He gave her a sharp look. "How are you doing?"

Willow shrugged. "Good. I feel—" She paused, unsure of how to explain. Although she knew that there would always be consequences, that things would never be the same between her and the others, she finally felt as though they had a chance to move on. In a way, Willow felt as though she'd proven herself. "I feel like I've come home."

"Makes sense," Spike agreed. "Since you are home."

Willow smiled. "Yeah, I guess so." She glanced at the clock. "I should get going. I've got an early start tomorrow."

Spike nodded. "You'll come by soon?"

"Absolutely," Willow replied cheerfully. "Let me know if you need anything." She went out to the living room and touched Buffy on the shoulder. "I'm leaving now, Buffy."

Buffy turned and gave her a half-smile. "Do you want to have lunch tomorrow?"

"I think I can manage that," Willow agreed. "I have a break around noon."

"Can I get a ride home?" Tara asked. "I've got an early class."

"Sure," Willow replied. "Bracken? Are you ready to go?"

He nodded, then leaned down to say a quick goodbye to Dawn. "You're staying with him?" Tara asked.

Willow nodded. "Spike thought that he still needed to have somebody around, and it makes sense. I mean, I want to be a teacher, and he could use some help getting up to speed." She lowered her voice. "Do you think he'll stay?"

"I think so," Buffy said. "He seems pretty attached to Dawn, and we've all tried to make him welcome. I don't know why he wouldn't."

"It's hard to leave your home behind, though," Tara said knowingly.

Willow knew how true that was, although she didn't reply since Bracken had joined them. "I'll see you tomorrow, Buffy." She glanced at Tara and then away. "Let's go."

~~~~~

Bracken swiped the back of his hand over his forehead. In spite of the cooler temperatures, he was still hot from the hard work. This was the second week he'd been working with Xander, and Bracken had found that he enjoyed it. The labor was physically demanding, but he'd always been good with his hands, and he found building things highly satisfying.

In Pylea, there were few chances to create or build, only to survive.

"Bracken!" Xander called, approaching him. "You ready to go?"

"Yes, of course," he replied, putting away his hammer.

Xander held out an envelope. "There you go."

Bracken stared at it for a moment. Willow had been helping him with his reading, and he could recognize his name, but he wasn't certain of the significance. "What is it?"

"Your paycheck," Xander replied. "Let me know if you need some help setting up a bank account."

Bracken shook his head. "I'm not sure I understand."

Xander clapped him on the shoulder. "This, my friend, is why we work, so we can get paid. Then, we can pay rent, buy food, and buy our women pretty things. Anya would tell you that's the most important part."

Bracken blinked. In theory, he'd understood that working brought payment, but this was the first time he'd actually experienced the concept. He still wasn't quite used to how money worked in this world, but he knew that he could ask Willow about it.

"Thank you," he said.

"Don't thank me," Xander replied, steering him out the door. "You're a good worker, Bracken. If you're planning on staying, I want you on my crew."

"Truly?" Bracken asked, surprised. He'd thought that Xander was doing Dawn, or perhaps Buffy and Spike, a favor. He knew that they felt a debt of gratitude for saving Dawn's life, and for killing Travers, but he hadn't wanted to be accepted out of a feeling of obligation.

"Wouldn't say it unless I meant it," Xander replied. "You stopping at Buffy's for dinner tonight, or heading home?"

Home, Bracken thought. It was odd to think of the apartment he'd first shared with Spike, and then with Willow, as home, but it was true.

"Buffy's house, I believe," he replied. "Dawn said she wanted to see me about something."

Xander raised his eyebrows. "How's that going for you?"

"What do you mean?"

Xander laughed, but it wasn't the unkind laughter that Andrus would have used as a weapon, but rather as a friend sharing a good joke. "Never mind. I'm sure you'll figure it out. I'll see you on Monday, if not sooner."

"Of course," Bracken replied, getting out of the car and heading up the front walk of the Summers' house. He gave a perfunctory knock, then entered; after the first time he'd knocked, Bracken had been told in no uncertain terms that he had an open invitation, and to walk in any time.

"Hey!" Dawn said, coming out of the kitchen. "How was work?"

"Good," he replied, smiling down at her. Remembering Xander's question, Bracken wondered if he was missing something, if there was something he should be doing and wasn't. No one else had said anything, however. "How was school?"

Dawn sighed. "Can I just mention how grateful I am that we've got a break coming up?" She hesitated. "I wanted to ask you for a favor."

Bracken frowned. "Of course. What do you need me to do?"

"There's this dance at school next Saturday," Dawn explained. "Like in that movie we watched last week."

Bracken nodded, indicating that he remembered what she was talking about. "Yes?"

"Would you go with me?"

He frowned, sensing that his response would be important. Remembering the significance of the dance in the movie, Bracken searched for the right words. "You want to go on a—date?"

"No!" Dawn said quickly. "I mean, only if you want it to be a date. We could just go as friends." She swallowed audibly. "You know, never mind. Forget I asked. It's stupid, and you probably wouldn't have any fun, so—"

Bracken touched her lips with gentle fingers. "It is not stupid if you find it important." He hesitated, then said, "I will go with you, but I have a favor to ask in turn."

"Sure," Dawn said. "Whatever you need."

"I want to go back," Bracken said.

In the silence that fell, he could see the disappointment and sheer unhappiness on Dawn's face, and it lifted his heart. "I—sure. I can do that," she choked out.

"Only for a visit," Bracken said. "My parents do not know where I am, and I wish to tell them about this place, about you." Dawn hadn't seemed to mind his touch, so he ran a finger along her jaw line, his work-roughened thumb sliding over her chin. "I will return."

She nodded slowly. "But what if something happens?" Dawn asked. "Maybe someone should go with you."

Bracken shook his head. "No. Strangers would not be welcome. I will be fine."

"Andrus—"

His eyes narrowed. "If Andrus tries to harm me this time, I will give him what he seems to desire so badly."

"What's that?" Dawn asked anxiously.

"A fight; although, if he has his friends with him, I will not attempt it." Bracken felt a smile touch his lips. "I have many reasons to come safely back to you, and no reason to stay."

Dawn nodded, obviously squelching her fear for him. "Okay. I'll open a portal to send you back, and then I'll open another in the same place. How long do you want?"

"Two days," Bracken replied. "You must have time to recover your strength. If you open one tonight, I can return Sunday." He shrugged. "I have to be at work on Monday."

Dawn nodded. "As long as Buffy and Spike agree. I'm not allowed to open a portal without them around, you know."

"Of course." Bracken lowered his hand, realizing that he'd been cupping her face.

Dawn looked up at him for a long moment, then reached up to pull his head down to hers. "For luck," she murmured, touching his lips with hers.

Bracken tasted her, and knew that he had every reason in the world to return.

~~~~~

Even though Buffy knew that Bracken had to make his own decision on the matter, she couldn't help but wish that he didn't feel the need to go back. After Dawn's description of the place, any trip back, no matter how short, seemed dangerous.

After all, he'd killed Travers; she'd like him for that alone.

"You sure you want to do this?" Spike asked. "You've got a place here, so if you're worried..." They had finished dinner and were sitting around the dining room table, like a real family. Buffy found it both odd and comforting.

"It's not that," Bracken assured them both. "I want to come back here, but I would like to let my parents know that I am safe."

"Of course," Buffy said, knowing how she would feel if Dawn and Bracken's positions were reversed. Although, she doubted that she'd let Dawn pack up and move to another world without a fight, but that didn't seem to be as much of a concern with Bracken's family.

"You really want to go tonight?" Dawn asked. "You could always go next weekend."

Bracken nodded. "I've made my decision. It's important that they know. I've been gone for quite some time already."

Buffy smiled, knowing how Dawn worked. If Bracken had given in, one week would likely have become two, and then stretched into a month or more. "How are you going to know when to meet me?" Dawn asked. "I don't want you to miss the portal."

"I won't miss it," he promised. "This is important."

Spike glanced over at Buffy. "You got a watch?"

She nodded. Although she never wore it, she did have a watch that Bracken could take with him. Hopefully, that would ease Dawn's mind, and help ensure that he made it back to the meeting place on time. "I'll get it."

Spike put a hand on her shoulder. "Don't get up. Where is it?"

"In the jewelry box on our dresser," she replied. "Bottom drawer."

He left the room, and Buffy met Bracken's eyes. "Are you sure you should go by yourself? I know that strangers aren't welcome, but Spike can take care of himself. If you give us a little time, I'm sure that Willow or Tara—"

"Thank you, but no," Bracken said courteously. "I will be safe enough."

Dawn grimaced. "You promise that you'll come back?"

Bracken met her eyes. "I will come back. I promised that I would go with you, did I not?"

Buffy saw the look that passed between them and hid a sigh. She had a feeling that she was going to be having a very serious talk with Dawn soon about the birds and the bees. For one rather evil moment, Buffy considered making Spike do it, but she soon dismissed the thought. Someone was probably going to have to talk to Bracken, too, but it might be better if it wasn't Spike.

A vampire couldn't be expected to know about forms of birth control currently in use, after all.

"Here you are," Spike said, handing Bracken the watch.

The young man looked at it, noting the time and the date, then glanced up at them. "I should change." He'd left his old clothes at the house the first day he'd arrived; Buffy had put them in the laundry, but she hadn't managed to return them yet.

Once he'd left the table, Buffy turned to her sister. "Are you okay with this?"

"No," Dawn said bluntly. "But I promised that if he asked to go back, I'd open a portal; I'm not going to break my promise."

"He'll be back, Bit," Spike said quietly. "He's got too many reasons to return to stay away."

Buffy looked over at Spike, and knew that he had personal experience in turning his entire world upside down for her. Although they hadn't yet talked about him getting the chip out, she hadn't felt the need. He had already promised her that he wasn't going to go back to feeding on humans, and Buffy had already said that she trusted him.

There wasn't anything else she felt needed to be said on the subject.

She reached over and laced her fingers with his; Buffy was grateful that she could be sure of at least one thing in her life right now, even though the future otherwise felt so uncertain.

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