The Song Remains the Same by SMac

1 :: 2 :: 3 :: 4 :: 5 :: 6 :: 7 :: 8 :: 9 :: 10 :: 11 :: 12 :: 13 :: 14 :: 15 :: 16 :: 17 :: 18 :: 19 :: 20 :: 21 :: 22 :: 23 :: 24 :: 25 :: 26 :: 27 :: 28 :: 29 :: 30 :: 31 :: 32 :: 33 :: 34 :: 35 :: 36 :: 37 :: 38 :: 39 :: 40 :: 41 :: 42 :: 43 :: 44 :: 45 :: 46 :: 47 :: 48 :: 49 :: 50 :: 51 :: 52 :: 53 :: 54 :: 55 :: 56 :: 57 :: 58 :: 59 :: 60 :: 61 :: 62 :: 63 :: 64 :: 65 :: 66 :: 67 ::

Chapter 5: Getting to Know You

Author's Notes: There is method to my madness. Laying the groundwork is important in my story, and I have no intention of rushing things at this point. Please be patient, sit back, and enjoy the tale while it wends it's way to spuffiness. Remember, life is about the journey, not the destination. (But there is a destination, I swear!)

Fred shut the door softly behind her and took Buffy into her arms, leading her to the sofa. "Oh sweetie, it's gonna be alright." Fred handed her a gob of tissues from a box on the coffee table, keeping her arm around Buffy's shoulders, and waited for the poor thing to calm a bit.

Buffy was still shuddering, tears falling freely, when she turned to face Fred. "I didn't want to hurt her..I didn't want to hurt her...I wouldn't hurt her, I wouldn't..." she shook her head back and forth. "I wouldn't..."

Fred's level of concern ratcheted up, but she schooled her face to hide it. "I know you wouldn't honey. You're a good mother." She glanced around the room quickly, and then caught the faint cries of the baby in the background somewhere. "Where is the baby, sweetie?"

"I didn't want to hurt her..." Buffy shook her head vigorously.

"I know, I know, sweetie." Fred squeezed her hand gently. "And where is the baby now?"

"In..in..the dra-wer. I..I put her in the drawer." Buffy nodded in a childlike manner. She felt as though she finally could stop being the grownup now, a real grownup had arrived to make everything all right again. Fred would've found it adorable, if she hadn't been so worried about what may have happened to the baby. Her prior concern had now wound itself up into actual fear. Where!?

"You shut the baby in a drawer?" Fred put her whole self into remaining calm and helpful on the outside, while inside she was dreading what she might find in this little apartment today.

"Yes, in the drawer." Buffy nodded, then frowned at her statement, "Not shut in the drawer, the drawer is her bed right now. In my bedroom," she clarified, trying to control her crying and accept whatever help this strange woman was offering her.

Fred allowed herself to relax a little bit, and asked, "Is it okay if I go see the baby for a minute? I'll come right back, okay? I just want to see how she's doing in there, okay?"

Buffy gave another childlike nod and pointed to the hallway door, "It's on the right side at the end. I shut the door so I wouldn't hear anymore....." She trailed off, and looked down at her hands in her lap as sadness enveloped her. She just knew she was a bad mother.

"Okay, then I'll be right back."

Fred went down the little hall and opened the door to peek into the room where Katie was still crying uncontrollably but not as loudly as before. From where Fred stood the child seemed to be fine, and she left quickly and closed the door again, returning to where Buffy still sat on the sofa with her legs curled under her. Buffy seemed a little calmer already, so that was a good sign.

"She's still crying, but she seems okay in there right now." Fred reassured the girl as she took her seat again. "She sure is a cute little thing. What's her name?"

"Katharine. Katie." Buffy said quietly, her tears finally having stopped and the exhaustion returned full force.

"That's a beautiful name." Fred smiled softly, and watched as the girl before her just seemed to deflate and lose all energy now that the panic and sobbing that had animated her lost it's force. "You did exactly the right thing today, Buffy."

Buffy glanced up sharply. "I did?"

"Yes. If you have a day like this one, where you are just so desperate that you don't think you can help yourself from doing something you'd regret, you just remember to do what you did today. Put the baby somewhere you know she'll be very safe, and then get yourself a little away from her until you can calm down enough to handle things again."

"Really?"

"Yes. Of course, you need to stay close by, you can't leave her alone in the apartment or anythin', but putting her in her bed all safe and closing the door so you can get yourself together in another room is the right thing to do. A little chilling out time for you." she assured her gently. "What happened today is very common for new mothers. The early weeks are very hard on us moms. Makes us doubt our sanity a bit. But we get through em, and so do the babies." Fred nodded reassuringly.

"Wow. I actually did something right," Buffy said wonderingly. She became lost in her own thoughts for a moment.

Fred contemplated how best to help this obviously very young mother of a baby who looked only days old. It would be noon in about thirty minutes, and she'd have to go pick up her own child from the kindergarten five blocks away. Whatever she did, she'd need to do it quickly.

"Okay, here's the thing with babies. They smell fear."

Buffy frowned in puzzlement. "They do?"

"Yes. Well, not exactly smell it, like animals do. But they get nervous if you're nervous, and the more nervous you get the more nervous the baby gets, and pretty soon you're looping a whole lot of nerves there, and you get days like this one." Fred thought a moment. "Or it could be gas," she nodded wisely. "But I kinda think it's the nervous thing this time. You burp her after she eats?"

Buffy nodded, "Yeah, always."

"Then it's probably the nerves. What we have to do is get her to settle down and feel more secure. And get you settled down and feeling more secure too. It's hard when you're new at all this and you haven't had any sleep, I know how that can be," she smiled helpfully. "I have a few tricks I learned the hard way. Would you mind if I tried to settle Katie down for you, get her calmer so she could perhaps nurse, or go to sleep?"

Buffy nodded quickly, relief flowing into her upon hearing Fred's offer. "God yes! Please, if you can get her calmed down that would be so great!"

Fred smiled and told Buffy to relax a minute and she'd see what she could do.




Upon entering the bedroom and making herself known to Katie, Fred noted that the infant increased her cries again. Fred spoke silly baby talk to her while she examined her to see if she needed a diaper or clothing change, but seeing all was fine in those areas she grabbed a nearby baby blanket and set it on the bed. Picking up Katie, she placed her on the blanket and wrapped her very snugly within it's folds, and then carried her close to her chest. Katie calmed down immediately, and for the first time in almost four hours, the wailing ceased.

Fred held her for a little while, to see if she would go to sleep, but Katie still fussed a little bit in her arms and rooted for a breast. "I'll bet it's lunchtime for you, isn't it sweetie? Let's see if we can rustle up some grub for you."




When Fred walked back into the living room with a tightly wrapped bundle of quiet-Katie, Buffy was both relieved and a little jealous. But mostly relieved.

"How did you do that?!" she mouthed a silent question.

"Experience. Days like this of my own," Fred whispered back. "Let's try to get her fed so she can sleep and so can you."

Buffy nodded, and went to take Katie from Fred's arms. Fred stepped back a bit, and warned her in a tight whisper, "Remember, no fear. If you don't feel confident, fake it. She's a baby, she won't know. Pretend you're a superhero, and you've been sent in to save the town from some monster or other. And you can't let the monster know you're afraid." Fred nodded at her. "Act it, become it."

Buffy smiled at the silly image of her as superhero, straightened her back and nodded more forcefully. "Cover me. I'm going in!" she whispered as she went to take Katie back again.




Katie nursed her fill and fell asleep doing so. Buffy had never been so relieved at the sight of anything in her life, as she was at those two little eyes drifting shut. She placed the baby back in her little drawer-bed, and returned to tell Fred goodbye. It was ten after twelve, and the young woman couldn't stay a minute longer or she'd miss her own child's dismissal from school.

"Thank you sooo much!" she hugged Fred tightly. "I don't know what I would've done if you hadn't shown me how to do that."

"I'm glad I could help. Now you get some sleep, and we can talk again sometime soon, get to know each other better. I have other magic tricks I can do too!" she laughed, then remembered another bit of advice. "Oh! Speaking of tricks, she likes being wrapped snugly too. Makes her feel secure. You could try doing that - she reacted really well to being wrapped tightly in her blanket, fussed a lot less right away."

Buffy nodded, and began to feel as though she might be able to do the whole mom thing after all. Thanks to Fred, she had two new baby-tricks to use with Katie, and her instincts seemed to be right on track. Knowing she wasn't a bad mom meant the world to her right now.

They agreed together that they would talk at Fred's apartment on Friday morning, have tea and get better acquainted. Fred left that day knowing she'd done the right thing in going up there that morning. Buffy thought the same thing as she drifted off to sleep, feeling better than she had in quite a while.

It was wonderful to have the possibility of a friend again.


~~~~~~~~~


Faith came home that evening with good news. A guy at work had come through with an excellent quality fake California ID for Buffy to use. The new birth date made her eighteen now, so she wouldn't get picked up for truancy if she was out during school hours and could whip it out to show anyone who required an ID for something. The New York fake ID would have stood out like a beacon here in little Sunnydale. Now she could blend.

The fake ID came from a man that Faith saw as potential boyfriend material. He had done the job at the request of a guy at work whose brother-in-law he was, and when he'd dropped the ID off for Faith they got to talking and discovered they had interests in common. Faith was excited at the prospect of seeing him again, and they'd made a date for lunch this Friday. Buffy was glad to see Faith so happy again. The sadness that tinged her demeanor the last week had now given way to cheerful hope, and things seemed to be looking up for both girls once again.

Buffy told Faith all about her day too - leaving out the grim panic that set in, and skipping to the part where she met Fred and felt she had found a friend in the young woman downstairs. Faith hadn't met Fred yet, as she kept to herself somewhat, and had made no real effort to meet her neighbors. She was happy, though, that Buffy had found another young mother to share with. Faith knew next to nothing about kids.

Since Faith had had to work late that day, Buffy had attempted dinner. Unfortunately, she only knew how to cook ramen, toast, and cereal. Since neither seemed very appetizing at the moment, she'd ordered pizza.

"Tomorrow's Thanksgiving," Buffy noted as she dug into a slice.

"Yeah." Faith ate silently, staring out the kitchen window.

Hmm, non-response. Try again. "Well, do you do anything for Thanksgiving?" she tried for hopeful enthusiasm, but it sounded to her ears a little like whining. Damn, have to work on that. Faith hates whining.

Faith turned back to Buffy, "Nah, not really. Last year I was with my mom so we did turkey day with your folks, remember? But now, I guess I hadn't really thought about it." She frowned. "You don't wanna do anything, do you? Cuz, I don't really cook like that, and it's kinda late to plan somethin'..."

"No, no. No problem," she quickly reassured her cousin. But Buffy was disappointed; she loved turkey. "I just wondered if I should be preparing for anything is all. I'm still wiped out from the last week and only have fat things to wear, so I'm good right here." She paused. "It's just..." she trailed off and looked somewhere else, anywhere but at Faith, "I love turkey!" Now she felt like a silly little girl. And there go the tears again! Damn! Hormones suck.

This was a development that took Faith by surprise, although in retrospect she felt she should have expected it. Buffy was still a kid at her core, and was looking at Faith like the adult here. And adults took care of things like holidays, and cooking, and....Dammit!

"Well, I could pick something up at the North Beach deli," Faith offered reluctantly. "I saw they were doing turkey and stuff to take out. If they still have some to sell, it's kinda late." Buffy's relieved smile was a welcome sight, even though it meant Faith would have to pull off this thing last minute. "I'm not sure about all the fixin's, but I think I might be able to get some turkey and stuffing for tomorrow. We could, you know, just keep it all informal and stuff, no big dinner to prepare or nothin'. That'd prob'ly be easier for you too, you know?" she nodded optimistically. Please say yes, please say yes.

"That sounds perfect! Thanks Faith." Buffy hugged her cousin for what seemed to Faith about the hundredth time in the last week. She endured it as best she could - she was not really a touchy-feely type girl outside of the sack - but thought that soon she would have to see about getting her to hold back a bit on the hugging. It was getting on her nerves.

All Buffy saw in Faith's demeanor was a promise and a smile. Faith would come through for her again, she just knew it. And Buffy smiled happily right back at her and snagged another slice.

~~~~~~~~~


Friday morning Buffy and Fred settled in to talk over tea and cookies in Fred's living room. Katie was fast asleep on the bed in the next room.

Fred explained that she was married to Gary, and they had a little boy named Stevie who attended kindergarten in the mornings. Since it was a holiday, however, Stevie was on a play date down the street with a boy from his class, and the girls had the apartment to themselves for a few hours. They came to Sunnydale recently from Texas, when Gary got his new job. They were still trying to get on their feet from Gary being out of work for a couple of years in Texas. This was their new start in a new place. Fred was homesick a lot of the time, and wanted to return to Texas. Gary was pretty determined to make it work here, however. So here they stayed.

While Fred prepared the tea, Buffy took a look around her home. It was clean and simply decorated, with a definite casual country theme. Maple and plaid. It's a look. Buffy stopped dead still. Said the girl with no home and no money. Nevermind. It's perfect.

In one corner was a sewing machine and a pile of what looked like assorted mending. A dressmaker's dummy stood to one side with a skirt on it. Apparently Fred was a seamstress...

"Here we go!" Fred chirped happily as she brought in the tea tray and set it on the coffee table. "How do you like your tea?"

Buffy was new to the whole 'having tea' thing, and didn't know it came with choices. There was sugar on the tray. Sugar had to be a good choice, right? Iced tea had sugar and she liked that.

Stop obsessing. There's no right or wrong answer here. Choose. "Some sugar would be good."

Fred smiled and prepared a tea cup for Buffy and one for herself as her guest settled down on the sofa next to her.

"So, Gary works on the oil rigs?" Buffy sipped her tea.

"Yeah, he goes out to the platform and stays on a week, then comes home for a week. It's weird having him gone all week, then just hanging out at home for the next week. Hard to get into a schedule and all. But the money's pretty good, and there's health benefits." She nodded. "It's good." The words were right, but the delivery carried a sadness behind it. Buffy felt she didn't know Fred well enough to pry, but decided she was going to pay attention and see what lay behind this. "He was on last week and this week too. He's covering for another man who had to go back home for a funeral. So, no Gary two whole weeks. Like I said, it's kinda weird sometimes."

"I guess it would be, getting used to that in and out schedule." Buffy nodded toward the sewing corner. "You sew?"

"Oh, yeah, since I was a little girl. I started out with Barbies, you know, and then my own clothes. Now I take in sewing from a coupla dry cleaners in town. Folks come in, they need a hem in new pants or a skirt, or to take in the waist, or let it out. That kind of thing. Get paid by the job, with a cut to the dry cleaners for the referral. It's just egg money."

Buffy didn't know what to say to that. Egg money? What's 'egg money'?

Fred noticed her confusion. "That's just an expression, from when women would make money for themselves to keep, aside from the family income, by selling eggs from their own chickens. That's kinda what I do, except it's hems, not eggs."

"You make your own clothes?"

"Well, mostly I buy them, but I have made some skirts and pants to wear sometimes. I don't really know what to make, I'm not really much with fashion or anythin'. My tastes are pretty simple. Jeans and t-shirts mostly." Fred paused and decided to ask some questions of her own. "How about you? Where's home for you?"

Buffy considered lying, and felt terrible about it. She liked Fred and didn't want to lie to her about anything. Yet, she couldn't afford to let her situation become known as that was step one to seeing the authorities knock on your door and take you away. Lie it was then.

"Well, I'm eighteen and used to live on the east coast. I got pregnant with Katie and decided when she was born that I wanted a new start and my cousin Faith said I could live with her for awhile, so here I am." Buffy smiled charmingly.

Fred was disappointed that Buffy was lying to her, but decided to let it go for now. Women didn't just travel three thousand miles to make a 'fresh start' with a days old baby right before Thanksgiving. And the 'east coast' was kinda vague. And she didn't look eighteen. But 'cousins' seems sincere, and is very good. Not that I'd have minded if they were a couple, but at least now I won't have any 'but they're lesbians!' drama from Gary.

"You look younger." Fred tried.

"I get that a lot." Buffy covered. "It runs in my family. My mom was carded until she was thirty." See, lying isn't so hard. And you have good reasons. No need to feel guilty.

Okay. Guess we'll leave that for later. Fred sighed. "How're you and Katie getting on now? You seem much more relaxed today."

"Oh God, you saved my life the other day! Katie and I are doing so much better since you came over. I just don't know how to thank you for doing that."

Now here was truth. "It wasn't anythin' sweetie. We moms have to stick together and help each other out. Goodness knows our men aren't much help!" she laughed.

Buffy decided to avoid the whole 'men' topic, as it would inevitably lead to 'who's the father?' conversation, so she looked over at the sewing corner again. "I used to make Barbie clothes too when I was little. We didn't really sew at our house, though, so I never took it any further," she turned back to Fred.

*And the subject of men is deftly averted, Fred mused. There's a story there, but if I push it she'll turn tail and run for sure.

"Would you like me to show you how?" Fred offered.

"Seriously? You'd do that?" Buffy exclaimed. "I can't bear to wear these horrible clothes, but they're all I can afford. And I'm so fat right now," she added miserably.

Ah, common territory again! And definitely younger than eighteen.

"Sure, I can do that. And don't worry about the weight. You've just had Katie, your body still has to adjust back to normal yet. Keep breastfeeding her, eat good healthy food, and start exercising in a couple of weeks and you'll be yourself again in no time. You just have to give yourself a little time, yet. You'll see. Your metabolism is probably working like a house afire!"

That was heartening news, although the word 'metabolism' was giving her a little trouble. Buffy decided right then she'd do whatever it took to get back to her figure again. She was fifteen, a runaway, an unwed mother, had no job and almost no money, and her only family here was Faith. She wasn't going to be fat too, she just couldn't be fat, too. The trailer and the whiskey flitted through her head again. No!

"You know," Fred offered, "we can alter the clothes you have into something you're more comfortable wearing. It wouldn't be that hard."

"Seriously? You know how to do that?"

"Sure. But you'd have to decide what it is you want it to be. Like I said, I don't know much about what's fashionable."

"I could totally do that! I could go see what girls are wearing here, do some window shopping, get some magazines..." Buffy mused more to herself than to Fred. "And I could help you too! To know what's fashionable, if you want."

Fred was taken aback. She wasn't too sure that putting herself in the hands of Buffy's so far unknown fashion sense was a wise idea. And she really didn't follow fashion anyway.

Buffy realized her mistake immediately and backed up quickly. "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean that to sound like that. You dress fine, and like you said, you're about jeans and t-shirts and I am sooo bad for saying anything like that and I'm just gonna shut up and drink my tea like a good girl right now." She took a big gulp and tried not to look toward where Fred was sitting.

Fred smiled indulgently at the poor girl. Put her out of her misery, quick! "I wasn't offended, honey. I just don't really follow fashion or anythin'. But I'd be interested to see what you thought might look good on me, if you want. We could call it a trade, of sorts. I teach you to sew, and you teach me what's the big deal about fashion for an old Texas farm girl like me." She reached over and squeezed Buffy's hand. "That sounds fair to me."

Buffy smiled gratefully, and they agreed to do just that. Buffy vowed to herself that first thing Monday morning, she'd get to the mall and do some window shopping and find out what fashion was about on the west coast.

It was time for Fred to pick up her son from his play date, so the girls hugged goodbye and Buffy retreated to her apartment just as Katie was waking up for her own lunch. She sat down on the sofa to nurse her and gazed at her little girl with so much love she thought her heart might burst.

"We're gonna be fine here, Katie. We had a rough start, but we're gonna be okay. Mommy's gonna take good care of you, and make you proud of her, too. I promise." Dammit, Buffy. You can stop crying any time now!


~~~~~~~


It was Monday afternoon, and Buffy had at last made her way to the Sunnydale Mall. That had been a major project in itself. Juggling Katie's feeding schedule, balancing the stroller with a diaper bag, and doing all this while catching and riding the bus across town was a job of work. The experience was overwhelming and she almost didn't get off the bus again when it stopped at the mall. Just staying put and letting it take her back to her neighborhood was very tempting. Remembering what she was stuck wearing right now was the motivation she needed to get her going again. No way was she going to wear these horrible clothes any longer than necessary.

She walked through the mall for a while, going into all of the shops catering to young women, and seeing what was 'in' in Sunnydale this season. There was a lot that she didn't like much, but also quite a few dresses and tops that she thought she could pull off without much difficulty, using the materials she had at hand. She was heartened by what she saw today, and buoyed by her conversation with Fred, she thought she was going to go from fashion victim to casual chic in no time at all. She even looked through the sole baby store to get some ideas for Katie's clothes. No daughter of hers was going to wear rags while her mother dressed well. She also kept an eye out for things she thought Fred would be comfortable wearing. She was determined to repay Fred for all her kindness by coming up with some clothes that would make her 'pop' without making her cringe, although she had to admit that was a narrow range to work within.

She stopped to nurse Katie at a back table at the food court just as the high school crowd made an appearance after school. Damn! She'd meant to leave before high school let out, but apparently hadn't kept proper track of the time. She worked hard to look like a housewife doing some shopping as she knew such a woman would be nothing more than background scenery to these kids. She could not be seen as a peer of these girls when she was this unattractive and ill-clothed, with a baby attached to her tits. She loved her baby and didn't regret her decisions, but there was enough of the high school girl in Buffy to be mortified at the sight she made this afternoon.

She buttoned up and put the now sleeping baby in her stroller, careful to cause no attention to come her way.

Please God, don't let any older women walk by and demand to talk about Katie. Not now.

She carefully moved away from the food court and headed toward the exit.

Good, just a little way more, keep it cool, don't cause any attention. Just stay in the background.

Shit! Here came another young couple walking toward her. She ducked down into a seat nearby and leaned over the stroller as though she were looking for something, waiting for the couple to walk by.

They stopped to kiss!

Buffy didn't know why she was so panicky, more so than the occasion called for surely.

Wow. That's a long kiss. And the guy's kinda hot. Damn!

Buffy glanced up at the boy in front of her. He had the most shocking blond hair she'd ever seen on a man, a color that did not come in nature. Most guys couldn't pull it off, but it looked good on him. She couldn't see more than the side of his face, but loved the coat.

Okay, breathing must be an issue by now. Stop kissing and move on!

The couple broke the kiss, the boy putting his arm around his girl and pulling her forward down the walkway again. She watched their backs as they moved further into the mall, away from her. Buffy was both relieved and saddened as she watched them walk away. Somehow she had managed to go from 'too young to date' right into 'no longer date material'. She wanted to be the girl wrapped in the arms of the hot young guy in the killer coat. She wanted to be the girl he looked at like she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. She wanted to be her.

And she never would be.

Submit a Review!