Summary: Life can be difficult when you are fifteen years old with a baby and few options. Fortunately Buffy Summers is a resourceful girl. Spuffy. All human AU in Four Parts. It's a high school fic with actual high school coming up in Parts Two thru Four. This is a very long saga and will be completed. NOTE : The ratings and warnings I am giving for this story do not represent the entire story - they allow for occasional forays into difficult subjects, but most chapters do not dwell there. It's not a fluffy story, but it is not unrelentingly grim. Like life, it flows among the highs and lows. IMPORTANT: Although Parts One and Two are rated R, beginning in Part Three the story will move into some NC-17 territory. ‘The Song Remains the Same’ consists of Parts One and Two. When we move into Part Three it will start a new posted ‘story’ so that I can reflect the new rating. Also, Parts One and Two are quite long enough on their own. / Winner of 'Judge's Pick' in Round 11 of Spuffy Awards and Winner of Best Fantasy Angst and Best Fantasy Author in Round 12 of the Spuffy Awards
On the last day of school before the holiday break, Willow walked slowly to her locker, lost in thought. She'd been worrying over the things Buffy had told her yesterday afternoon, and still had no idea what to do. She was so torn. On the one hand, Buffy had confided some extremely personal things, important things, to her yesterday afternoon. And she liked Buffy so much, but the girl had some serious problems that had the potential to really mess up any possible relationship she might have with Spike. On the other hand, Spike was a really good friend, had been for more than two years now, and she didn't feel right keeping these kinds of huge secrets from him. After his mother left him for her new husband, and then Drusilla deceived and cheated on him, he simply could not believe that he would be able to trust any woman again, herself excepted. And these very things that Buffy was hiding from him were the kinds of things that, if he found out about them after he invested in that relationship, could break him to a point from which he'd never recover. He was just beginning to trust again; she just couldn't let him be hurt like that, couldn't just stand by while the train that was Buffy's complicated life flattened him in the roadway.
What the heck was she supposed to do now? With dismay she finally decided that there was just one proper answer to the question of which friend she owed her loyalty to: Spike had to take priority over Buffy. There just couldn't be any question about it. But was there some way to remain loyal to Spike without betraying Buffy's confidences? She was a smart girl. Surely there was some way to solve for X without hurting either one of them in the process. If only ...
"Hey, Red," Spike called out to her from across the hall. "Do you have those notes for that history report that's due after break?"
"Hi," she forced a smile and walked over to him as she pulled the sought-after notes out of her backpack.
"Thanks," Spike was looking over the notes she'd handed him, when he suddenly realized that Willow was staring at him with a very pained and thoughtful expression.
"Problem?" he frowned.
"No, no problem," she said very slowly, then with a change of expression from thoughtful to resolved, she grabbed his arm and forcibly pulled him to an out of the way corner of the hall.
"Red, what's gotten into you?" he exclaimed as she pulled them as far into the corner as possible. He tilted his head and sought to look her straight in the eyes.
*Buffy's right. The head-tilt thing is really adorable.* Willow sighed. *Here goes.*
"Spike, I talked to Buffy about your date Tuesday night."
He stepped back as though someone had punched him.
"Yeah?" he asked, his heart in his stomach.
"Oh! Nothing bad about the date. She really liked the date, she really likes you." Willow hurried to reassure him.
"Oo-kay," he breathed out slowly. "There's somethin' wrong, though. What's goin' on?"
"Well, I can't tell you cuz I promised Buffy. And as you know," she quickly defended herself, "I keep my promises."
"Yeah, you do. So what is it that I'm supposed to know that you're not supposed to tell me? Come on, now. What do you know that I should know about her? Because somethin's wrong, and you're upset about it, and that doesn't sound too good for me here."
"Do you really like Buffy, Spike?" Willow demanded.
"What are you on about?"
"I mean it, Spike. Do you really like her? I mean really." She realized she sounded so seventh grade, even to her own ears. *Jeesh.*
"Yeah..." he answered guardedly, wondering where she was going with this.
"Really, Spike. Is she someone you could actually call a real girlfriend, someone you aren't just looking to trade in for a new model once you sleep with her or anything?"
She was deadly serious, he could see it in her eyes. What the bloody hell was going on here?
"Yeah, she is. I really like her. I want to see if we can build a relationship. And I'm not just tryin' to sleep with her, Willow. She's the one you told me to find that day in the amphitheater. You remember that day?"
"Yeah, I do," she nodded with a soft smile. She was proud of him. He was finally growing up and past his pain. She turned solemn again.
"Buffy has something to tell you, and it's her place to do that. But when she does, you need to remember that Spike. Think really hard about what you feel right now about her. She's a good person, Spike. She just met us, remember that. She doesn't know us well enough to trust us yet, but she's trusting us anyway. So please, be gentle with her okay?"
"She send you here to 'prepare' me for somethin' I'm not gonna like, somethin' she's lied to me about already?" he knew he was being a little curt with her, but he didn't like being lied to, and he didn't like being manipulated.
"No! God Spike, no! Buffy doesn't even know I'm talking to you. She just confided in me yesterday and she has no idea I'm telling you this. But I know she's gonna talk to you -- soon -- and I just want you to be ready to hear her out. I just want you guys to be happy, friends even. Don't throw that away in some knee-jerk reaction about something someone else has done that has nothing to do with her, is all I'm saying."
Spike stared long and hard at Willow, having no idea what she was talking about but not liking it at all. This wasn't anything he wanted to hear, and his first reaction was to be angry. But he'd held back, and let Willow speak her piece. He decided he'd hear Buffy out as well, as long as she came to him soon and came completely clean with whatever the hell she was keeping from him. Because, God help him, he really did like her, and whatever this was, he just hoped it wasn't too bad. He had hoped she could be the one for him, and he didn't want to let go of that hope. Not yet.
~~~~~~~
Friday
Christmas Eve
Buffy stood nervously upon the doorstep, gathering her courage to ring the bell. Shifting her package from hand to hand, she finally took a deep breath and pushed the button.
Almost immediately, the door swung open to reveal -- Giles.
*Shit.*
"Ms. Summers?" he exclaimed in surprise, and then stood waiting expectantly.
"Hi," Buffy shyly greeted the tall man. "Is ... is Spike home?" *Smile!* She smiled sweetly.
"Erm, yes, I believe he's upstairs in his room," Giles informed her questioningly, then he stood straight up and looked rather startled. "I'm sorry, where are my manners? Would you like to come in, and I'll get him for you." He stepped to the side to let her enter the house.
"Yes, thank you." Buffy followed him inside, and seated herself on the sofa Giles had waved her to.
"You have a beautiful home," she offered sincerely.
Giles nodded briefly, "Yes, well thank you. I've my wife to thank for that. Were it left completely up to me I'm afraid there'd be nothing here but a few easy chairs and a great many stacks of books." He gave a nervous little smile, then took off his glasses and started polishing them distractedly.
"Well, she has very good taste then." Buffy smiled softly, then looked down at the floor, her stomach beginning to churn from nerves. She needed a distraction from her nerves, and she didn't have any glasses to polish, so she reached over and picked up a book that was lying on the cushion next to her.
"Moloch the Destroyer: The Origin of Hell." She gave Giles a questioning look.
"Yes, well," Giles fidgeted nervously and took the book from her hands. "I've an interest in ancient cultures and mythology, religions, things of that sort ... Would you like a drink?" He offered hopefully as he placed the book out of reach.
"Sure, that would be great," she looked toward the stairs. "Will Spike be coming down ...?"
"Ah, yes, sorry," Giles gave another nervous smile and polished more fervently than before. "Let me get you something, then I'll let him know that you're here. We have the usual -- soft drinks, water, tea ..."
"Water is fine. Eight glasses a day!" she tried for chipper but it fell flat.
Giles frowned slightly as he put his glasses back on. "Yes, yes, of course. Eight ... yes." He disappeared into the rear of the home where Buffy assumed the kitchen was.
*Well, that went well,* she sighed.
Buffy gazed about the living room while she waited. It was a comfortable home, cozy even. This was a living room that was intended to be lived in and not simply for show and for parties. It was like a more affluent version of her home with Faith -- furnished for living comfortably, warm and inviting. And there were books everywhere. Not surprising for the home of a librarian, she thought. But still ... this was a whole lotta books. Two large bookcases and books piled up on the end tables, a few on the coffee table, some more on the floor. Lots of books. A Christmas tree stood in one corner, gifts piled high beneath it's homey branches. She decided she really liked this room.
*Aha!*
She stood and walked over to look more closely at the framed photos which sat upon a grand piano. They were clearly family shots, some of Giles and a woman he assumed was his wife, and others of Spike at various ages and locations. Spike was absolutely adorable regardless of his age. She wished she could have known him back then.
"Yes, well ..." Giles suddenly coughed from behind her. Buffy spun around to see Giles standing about three feet away, a cold bottle of water in his hand. She blushed at being caught looking at the photos.
"Sorry," she apologized quickly as she took the proffered bottle. "I just noticed the cute pictures of Spike at different ages and couldn't help coming over here to take a peek."
"Certainly, quite understandable," Giles hemmed nervously. "That's what they're there for, then, aren't they?" He took his glasses off again and polished some more. "I'll just go get William for you now."
He disappeared quickly up the stairs in search of his nephew.
Buffy sat back down where Giles had first settled her, too nervous to drink now that she knew Spike's arrival was imminent.
"There you are, luv," came a low rumbly voice from the direction of the stairs.
She rose up and turned to face him. He looked all yummy with his hair in tousled curls, wearing nothing but blue jeans and a black 'Ramones' t-shirt, adorable sock-clad feet. He was the very picture of 'relaxed-at-home'. She wanted to keep that picture of him in her memory forever. So adorable.
They'd talked on the phone the Wednesday after their date, and they had both agreed that she would come over for a while the afternoon of Christmas Eve. Still, she was very nervous about coming here. Knowing that she needed to talk to him about things had her all keyed up.
"Hi," she breathed out with a little smile.
In a few strides he was before her, taking her hand and giving her a soft chaste kiss upon the lips in greeting. She closed her eyes.
*Oh, yeah. That's ... good.* she melted. Opening her eyes to gaze up at him, she smiled and saw that he was smiling gently at her also.
"Would you like to stay here or go to the back yard? It's a beautiful day, and the garden is my uncle's pride and joy."
"Um, well ... I just ... Yes, I'd love to go sit in the garden, but first ... I have something for you." she turned back to the sofa and picked up the little comics-wrapped gift she'd brought for him. "It's not much," she shook her head in embarrassment as she handed him the small present. "I didn't have much money this year, but I saw it and thought of you."
Spike gave one of his slow grins, and took the gift from her hands. "Why, thank you, luv. This is very sweet. I'm sure whatever it is I'll like it very much."
He walked to the tree and put the gift beneath it, and picked one up of his own. "Here we are," he walked back and handed her the present. "I'm glad I have a chance to give it you before tomorrow."
Buffy took the present from his hands and took a quick look at it before raising her eyes to smile gratefully at him. The gift was in a small flat rectangular box, wrapped in red foil paper, and she couldn't imagine what it would be. Her curiosity was seriously piqued, but she had to hold off. They'd agreed to wait and open the gifts on Christmas Day itself, no peeking, no cheating. She was as excited as a little kid, and hated that they'd agreed to wait. But she'd promised, so she'd be good.
"Well, let's go out back, shall we?" He held his hand out to her.
"Lead on," she nodded as she took his hand and followed him to the back yard.
"It is a beautiful garden, Spike. Your aunt and uncle must really have green thumbs." Buffy settled back into a wrought iron chair situated at the patio table. Spike took his own seat next to her.
She was nervous, it was coming off her in waves, and Spike was quite nervous himself now that Willow had warned him of this impending ... Conversation? Confession?
Buffy played with the cap on her water bottle and fidgeted nervously. She really didn't want to have this conversation with Spike, the conversation that had the potential to make the only good thing that had happened to her in these last two weeks collapse in ruin around her. She wished she could pretend for just a while longer that they were a normal teenage couple, learning to get to know each other, to possibly go to the junior prom next year, to do coupley things together ... But that wasn't them, and she had to be honest and brave and come out with it. Pretending would only make any negative reaction that much harder to bear. If they were only older, she thought, it might have a better chance. But he was seventeen, and he'd already said how he felt about having kids. And she thought he was bound to be upset about that whole 'virgin' thing. She should never have lied about that.
"Pet, you're worryin' that bottle and acting all nervy and strange, and it's makin' me nervous now. If there's somethin' on your mind, please, for both our sakes, just out with it. Please, luv, just say it." He smiled in what he hoped was gentle understanding, and nodded her on to it.
"Right. Um ... remember when we played three things the other night?" she looked hopefully at him.
Spike frowned. "Yeah?"
"Well, I have three things to tell you, and it's really important that you don't tell anyone else these things. I have to be sure you won't tell anybody. Please, Spike."
She looked so forlorn, he began to be frightened for her, for them. "All right, luv, you have my word. Not a soul will hear these three things from me."
"Thank you." Buffy nodded, putting the water bottle down and straightening in her seat. "Three things." She paused. "But let me get all three out before you say anything, or ask questions, okay? Just let me get them out first?"
Spike frowned as he nodded his agreement to the terms. *This is not goin' to be good.*
"Three things .... well ... First," Buffy started softly. "I told you the other night that I was a virgin. That's not completely true." She watched Spike to see if he had any reaction to that piece of news. Aside from sitting back in his chair, he showed no reaction whatsoever.
*Is no reaction good or bad or just doing what I asked him?* she worried, then hurried on.
"I mean I am a virgin ... Sort of." She watched Spike's eyebrows rise in question, and she quickly went on to explain. "Except for the whole having sex part of it." Spike was looking away and frowning now, and she realized that she was letting her nervousness mess up how she was telling him this and he was getting upset. She had to calm down and just tell him.
"Anyway, um, the second thing is ... the reason I'm not a virgin but I told you that I am, is because I don't have any memory of actually having had sex. Nothing at all. So, even though I'm not technically a virgin, I am really a virgin, in the ways that really count ... I think. I mean, I really don't remember being with anyone, so I don't know what it's like, or what to expect or anything. Which is why I told you I was ... Even though I guess technically I'm ... I'm not." She looked hopefully at him, wondering if he could understand what she was saying without actually saying it. The way he shook his head and was frowning made her think perhaps he wasn't getting where she was going with this. Right then. More explaining, less babbling would be good now. She stared at her water bottle again, and continued her confession.
"Um, okay. I understand why that wouldn't make any sense to you, but ... well ... the reason I don't remember is ... is because when I was a freshman, I went with a friend to a frat party at NYU -- and yeah, I know, stupid squared -- but she got called home and I decided to stay and there were these guys and they put something in my drink, and the best I could piece together after was that these three guys ... you know ... while I was out of it. But I don't remember anything about it happening, though."
She poured that out all in one breath, then looked up again to see whether she could tell how he was taking this. She saw that he was looking at her very seriously now.
"I know you said no interruptin', but I'm puzzled. If you don't remember anythin' how do you know ... I mean was it ... never mind, that's a stupid question. Go on." Spike shook his head and looked away again, seeming very uncomfortable at this point in her tale. She wished she could tell what he was really thinking, but his face was so closed.
"Well, um, here's the third thing," Buffy paused a moment, gathering her courage. "See, the reason I'm telling you this now, so soon and all, is that I got ... pregnant." She didn't look up this time. She didn't want to see the look on his face this time. She prayed for some sound or word to let her know how he was reacting, but she just couldn't look at him. She just couldn't.
"Say again? You were pregnant? From those three guys ..." Spike's head was spinning. God, he wasn't expecting anything like this. "So you had your own pregnancy scare then, didn't you?" He'd been looking down at his hands in his lap, but when she didn't say anything else he raised his eyes to see her watching him closely.
She was looking him squarely in the eye, and as she stared at him, saying nothing, suddenly he knew. And she could tell the very second that he knew. It felt like the very air had been sucked away from the place where they were seated.
"Bloody hell," he breathed out in shock. He stood up and started pacing the length of the patio. "Bloody buggerin' fuck!" He spun around to face her. "Are you tellin' me there's a baby somewhere, that you're someone's bleedin' mother?!"
Okay, this was not the reaction she had hoped for. She nodded numbly and watched as he continued to pace and run his fingers through his hair, saying nothing more to her. He was obviously extremely upset by her admission. No, this wasn't what she'd wanted to happen. She had hoped ...
"Spike?" she cried miserably, trying to get his attention, trying to get him to sit back down and talk to her. But he just turned and stared at her with that same frown, shaking his head and then continuing to pace again.
Although at first she was stricken that he was reacting badly to the news of her having a baby, she suddenly realized that he hadn't reacted at all to her revelation that she'd been drugged and gang-raped at a party. Surely that was the really bad news, right? The truly upsetting thing? That horrible thing that had happened to her. His only concern seemed to be that he had been attracted to a girl who had a baby, and that's what really mattered to him, the thing that really affected him.
Now she was angry, and she stood to give him a piece of her mind. Who was he that he could just calmly sit there and accept her rape but grow outraged at her having a baby? And as she stood there, looking at the anger on his beautiful face, her heart both broke and hardened. It was either sob or swear, and she wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
"You know what, just go to hell!" she spat at him and ran from the patio back into the house. "Son of a bitch!" she swore under her breath as she fled.
Spike was startled by her outburst, and stopped pacing. He just stood there stupidly for a minute, trying to get a handle on his anger, and strangely surprised by hers. Truth be known, he was as shocked by his anger as she seemed to have been, and he realized that he'd better rein it in quickly so he could go inside and talk to her more calmly about all of this.
This was just a lot for him to take in all at once, and he didn’t know what he felt about any of it right now. He was at war within himself. On the one side, she’d lied to him about being a virgin when she didn’t even need to, and that was upsetting. He hated being lied to, and that she had done so on their very first date worried him. On the other side, she’d been traumatized by a horrible experience and he could understand why she’d be reluctant to admit it to him. But he knew that at least part of his anger was that she was telling him that she had actually been pregnant, and not only that but had actually had the baby. A baby who was out there somewhere, left by his mother.
But he had to quit thinking that way. Buffy wasn’t a married woman abandoning her child for a new lover, she was a teenager who had been raped, who had every reason to terminate but didn’t, and then gave birth and let her child go to people who presumably could love the child more than she would be able to do. And that wasn’t the same thing as what his parents had done to him. That was nothing like it at all, and his vow to never do such a thing to his own child? Well that wasn't his child, it was hers, and she couldn't have been expected to start a family as a young teenager, raped by strangers.
Calmer now, his gaze fell on the present he'd given her, still sitting on the patio table. He grabbed it as he pulled himself together, and walked back into the house to talk to her properly about everything she'd revealed to him today. Once they could talk about this calmly, he was sure they could get beyond it. When he reached the living room, he didn't see her anywhere.
Giles was straightening up the various piles of books in the living room as Spike came inside. With a book in hand, he stopped organizing when he saw Spike stop short and look about him.
"She's gone," he said simply, and went back to shelving books.
"Gone?" Spike didn't understand. "Gone into the bathroom?"
"No," Giles explained patiently. "She's gone. From the house. She ran out of here like a bat out of hell." He frowned at his nephew. "What on earth did you say to the girl?"
Spike was suddenly cold. What exactly did he say to her in his anger and confusion? He went back over it all in his mind and groaned.
"I mucked this up right and proper. She'll prob'ly never speak to me again." he breathed dejectedly. "Son of a bitch is right."
"She told you?"
"What?" Spike turned to his uncle with a scowl. "Did you know what she had to tell me?"
"I'm afraid so, son. I'm sorry. It's why I said I didn't think she was a proper girl for you. Really, William, I have only your best interests at heart." He smiled kindly upon his nephew, hoping that the boy could see this for himself. "A girl such as that --"
"You thought I'd drop her over this?!" Spike bit out angrily. "Well, you were wrong." He bounded up the stairs three at a time, to dress so he could go out and find Buffy and convince her not to hate him now.
He had to find the girl and see if she'd have anything to do with him again. He'd really done it this time.
~~~~~~~~~
Although Spike's first instinct was to get in his car and drive the streets, looking to see if he could intercept Buffy as she walked back home, the girl in question had headed in an entirely different direction, hugging her arms around herself, trying very hard not to cry, and failing miserably.
She had no direction in mind at first, but soon found herself wending her way back toward the poorer section of Sunnydale, toward her first home in the town. It would be dark in about two hours, and she thought she could be home in time for Christmas Eve dinner at her house and still accomplish her errand.
When she reached the bar, she stood across the street and just stared at it for a few minutes, remembering the day Faith first drove up to the old building, and how shocked she was to see the kind of place she would now be living in. But before she knew it, the crappy apartment felt like home, and with the addition of Fred to their little family, she was happy here. Faith had been here. Fred had been here. Katie had been here. Her Katie ...
New tears sprang up, and she pushed them back down, wiping her eyes with the back of her sweater sleeve. She needed to pull herself together and do what she'd come here to do. With a firm resolve she walked across the street and into the front door of the bar.
As she entered the darkened room, some patrons looked up to watch her approach the bar. If she'd been paying any kind of attention, she would have noticed the obvious lust in the eyes of those men. But she had one goal in mind, and that was asking her question and then getting the hell out of there.
She was dismayed to see that Mr. Kralik wasn't tending this afternoon, but instead Zack was behind the bar. With a resigned sigh, she walked up to him and said hello.
Zack stared at her for a moment, then quietly responded, "Hey."
"Um, I just came by to see if there were any phone calls for me, or any mail that came? For me or Faith."
Zack stared at her a moment, then nodded. Turning, he opened a cabinet behind him and pulled out a small stack of envelopes held together by an old rubber band.
"Here." He didn't smile or offer any other words to her, just gave her the stack and started cleaning glasses again.
"Thanks." Buffy said quietly, and then walked quickly out of the bar. Out of the corner of her eye she could see a man rise and start to follow her, but then something completely unexpected happened. Another man quickly sprang out of no where and grabbed the first man by the arm, and, holding him back, prevented him from continuing to follow her down the sidewalk.
Buffy stood still a moment, just staring at the strange tableau before her. Then she smiled and nodded gratefully at her rescuer, and ran to board the bus that had just arrived and would take her closer to her home.
Zack nodded back, and kept hold of the creepy man until he saw that Buffy's bus had pulled safely away.
~~~~~~~
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