Chapter 34: Visiting, Part Two
Author's Notes: I promised myself I wouldn't flinch. So....it's hard. Sorry.
Once at the social services office, Tanya had Buffy take a seat in the waiting room while she found Pat and the other foster mother to let them know Buffy was here for her visit. After about fifteen minutes, Tanya called Buffy into the visitation room.
"Now Buffy, I'm gonna leave for a while to make some home visits to other clients. I'll be back at two o'clock to pick you up and take you back home." She gave Buffy a close look. "You okay, sweetheart?"
"Yeah, just nervous."
"It'll be fine. Just remember what we talked about. Katie might be a little standoffish, don't expect her to be happy to see you right away. It's hard for babies her age when they're separated like that, and she'll need some time to get used to you being there today. Don't take it personal. Just stay positive and let her warm up to you naturally. Play with her, feed her when it's time, just be her mom like you always are and you'll both be fine. Okay?"
"Okay."
"If you want to go into the garden you can do that too - it's just off the visitation room door on the other side of the room there. There may be other parents there with their kids too. There's a whole playground there, but she's little so you'll have to stay right with her the whole time you're outside so she doesn't get hurt by some older kids or anything, okay?"
"Yes. I'm ready to go in now." Buffy was tired of instructions. She wanted her baby girl in her arms already.
Tanya nodded and led her over to the door, and watched as she entered and closed the door behind her. The girl was going to be fine, she reminded herself. She'd be just fine.
~~~~~~~
Tanya watched Buffy from a closed circuit tv in a private room nearby. Neither she nor Pat had ever had the opportunity to watch Buffy and Katie together, so they both were going to watch the two interacting for a little while today, to see how mother and child were with each other. Tanya decided to keep Buffy out of the loop on that plan, as she was already very nervous and she also might act differently if she knew she was being monitored. Once Pat brought Katie into the visitation room to Buffy, she'd be joining Tanya in the tv room for awhile.
Tanya prayed the visit went well. She liked Buffy and wanted the child to succeed in her plan and get her daughter back with her. If it turned out that Buffy showed signs of being a poor caretaker, that would complicate things more than Tanya liked. She really thought, though, that Buffy would be fine. She just had a gut instinct for these things.
*Prove me right, honey. Prove me right.*
~~~~~~~
Buffy heard the door click open and turned to see Pat carrying her little girl into the room to see her. Buffy's entire world constricted to the sight of Katie, at long last. Pat said something - hello, Buffy thought it was - and put Katie down to walk, holding her hand. Buffy fell kneeling to the floor and held her arms out for Katie to walk into but the baby just stood there looking around her aimlessly.
Buffy felt she might burst into tears. Katie wasn't even looking at her, she was looking everywhere
but at her. Tanya warned her that might happen, but it was a shock just the same. Their parting had been very traumatic, what with the police literally pulling Katie out of Buffy 's arms by force when the girl refused to let her go. That had been hard on Katie too, Buffy now realized, and that was the last time she'd seen her. What a horrible way to lose your mother, Buffy thought.
*My poor baby. What have we done to you?*
Tears were pooling behind her eyes and she forced herself not to give in to them. She had to be positive, for Katie. Getting upset and crying would just make it harder for her baby, and she needed to make this easier for her.
"Katie, sweetie? It's mommy. You wanna see your mommy? Come here sweetie." Buffy pleaded.
Pat smiled sympathetically and knelt down next to Katie. "Katie honey, there's your mommy. Your mommy wants to see you. Here we go," she took her hand and gently led her over to where Buffy was kneeling in suppressed anguish. "Let's just walk over to mommy, why don't we? She's been wanting to see you for so long. Here's your mommy."
Pat continued to speak little baby nothings to Katie, and Buffy just knelt there as though suspended in time. She didn't know what to say or do but as Katie came closer and Buffy smiled and held out her arms, Katie suddenly sat down and started to cry miserably, then laid down on the floor sobbing her little heart out. Buffy rushed over and put her hand on Katie's back, rubbing soothing circles there and speaking softly and lovingly to the little girl, trying to comfort her. When she thought she'd made enough contact with her so as not to startle her, Buffy picked her up carefully and just held her to her against her shoulder. Then Katie put her arms around Buffy's neck, laid her head on her shoulder, and cried her little heart out, while trying to suck her thumb.
Buffy tried not to but she couldn't help it. She cried too, for a minute. Then she breathed in deeply and got hold of herself, and sat down in the rocking chair and just rocked her baby and spoke sweet nothings to her and eventually calmed her down.
Buffy was in agony. She was angry, too, but pushed that aside for now. A world, a system, that would put her baby through this nightmare was a world she didn't want any part of. These well-meaning people with their plans and their rules and their classes thought they were so good and smart and doing the right thing. How could they watch her little girl miserably sobbing as though her heart would break, and not see how wrong it was to take her away like that? How could they not see this? Buffy was breathing hard just trying to control her fury and her pain. It wouldn't do Katie any good right now to have to deal with her mother's righteous anger over their situation. She had to calm down and be the strong positive support her baby needed right now. And she had to convince these godforsaken caseworkers that she was capable of taking good care of her baby.
*Calm down. Calm down. Calm. Calm.Calm*
Finally, Buffy was able to squelch it all down and put on the mask of the perfect calm and collected mother, visiting as permitted with her little girl for a few hours on a Saturday. She'd be that Buffy right now. She'd let the emotion out when she was alone. These people couldn't be permitted to see that part. They'd take Katie away forever if they saw her true feelings now.
Once both mother and daughter had settled down, Buffy began trying to distract Katie with some toys she knew she had liked at home, and talked to her and got her to play with her some. She read her a story and fed her a snack. They went outside and played for a while on a baby sized rocking toy (the irony was not lost on her) and looked at the flowers and a stray butterfly floating past. The morning stretched out into a lazy idyll where only Buffy and Katie existed, and Buffy would have been content that it should last forever. But lunchtime came and then it was time for Buffy to rock Katie to sleep with her bottle and her blanky and send her off into her nap. It was almost one o'clock, and Katie would sleep for about an hour or so as far as Buffy remembered. She just lay next to her daughter on a mat on the floor and watched her little mouth work and her eyes flutter in sleep and dreams.
*So beautiful, so beautiful.*
Katie stirred again around two o'clock, and Buffy knew time was up for the day. But it couldn't be over now, she'd barely seen her at all. Pat popped her head in the door to tell Buffy that they could have another half-hour since Katie just woke up and she didn't think it would be a good idea to separate them immediately like that. Buffy smiled and told Pat thank you gratefully, although inside she was raging that anyone had the right to grant her more time as though Katie were not hers, as though she somehow belonged to them and her visits were some great favor they did her. Buffy realized that this is exactly what they thought, but she wasn't having it. Not inside she wasn't . Inside where they couldn't see she cursed them all for their presumption. She had gone through hell to conceive this baby, to give birth to this baby, and to keep this baby. She'd suffered those first weeks when she thought insanity was knocking at her back door, and she'd done everything possible to raise this baby with as much love and care as any mother could possibly give. Who were these people to question that love, that commitment? Could they have done as much? Would they have done?
But she pushed it down, and focused on the last half-hour with Katie, to make it as pleasant and carefree as possible. When she knew her time was up, she started telling Katie it was time to go, and that she loved her and she would see her again really soon.
"Mommy loves you, baby. You be good for the nice people, and I'll be back for you real soon. I love you so much. Don't ever doubt that, baby. Mommy loves you. I love you..." she couldn't stop the tears then, but she pulled up and looked toward the door as Pat came back in and held out her arms for her daughter once again.
Buffy forced herself to be calm and cheerful and let Pat take Katie from her arms then. As
Pat started to leave with her Katie looked back over her shoulder at Buffy and just silently stared at her mother, without a sound. And the door clicked shut.
Buffy almost lost it then, but she ruthlessly forced the tears back, held onto her anger again to keep the tears at bay. She didn't want these people to see her anguish, to see any more tears. Those were for later. She'd do that later.
~~~~~~~~~
Tanya was worried. Buffy was completely silent on the drive back home and responded to direct questions with monosyllabic answers. She showed absolutely no sign of any emotion whatsoever. Completely flat affect. They might as well be talking about buying milk at the store for all the reaction Buffy showed.
She pulled up in front of the house and Buffy started to get out of the car.
"Buffy."
She turned and waited patiently for Tanya to continue, one hand on the door handle ready to flee.
Tanya thought better of what she intended to say. Buffy couldn't deal with this now, obviously. She'd give her some time to recover before trying to talk about it.
"I'm glad we got to have breakfast together this morning, and you're doing very well so far. I'm sure things will work out fine for you in the end. I'll pick you up again next Sunday if you need a ride for your next visit." She smiled kindly at the girl staring blankly at her.
"No, I've got it. But thanks for the offer. I'd better go now. I'll call you if anything comes up."
Tanya was about to reply but Buffy had already fled the car and was halfway up to her front door. Tanya watched as the girl went into the house, never looking back. She sighed and drove away.
~~~~~~
Buffy called out loudly to see if anyone was home when she entered the house. She made a quick tour of the premises to find anyone home, and even checked the master bedroom, John's office, and the doll room. No one was there.
She held it together just that long. Slowly she walked to her room, shut and locked the door and slid down to the floor. Only then did she let the dam burst, and she screamed and screamed and screamed out her pain and the agony that she was sure would rip her apart. Finally she curled in on herself and slipped into anguished sobs, laying upon the floor. When those were exhausted she silently cried herself to sleep right there where she lay.
~~~~~~~
When Rosemary and John came back home from Christmas shopping around six o'clock, they saw Buffy sitting in the family room watching tv. John asked her how the visit went, and Buffy paused just a second, and then turned to him with a smile.
"It went really well. Thanks," she nodded, and turned back to the tv.
Rosemary started dinner, and John went up to his office. And Buffy continued staring at the tv, and didn't speak again until called to dinner.
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Yeah. Just, yeah. Thanks for reading, and leave a review if you can. Okay?
Sara